Mommy Confessions and Possible Ramblings

I’ve decided that I’m my own worst critic. I judge my ‘mothering’ skills way more than anyone else does – or so I think. Although, I did offer to change Lucy’s diaper at Daycare the other day (since she went while I was holding her) and the one woman stood next to me the whole time I changed it. I completely felt like I was in some type of diaper changing contest. I think I only scored a 5 on speed and maybe a 6 on technique. It was crazy how it had me all sorts of rattled. I know it seems stupid, but I am a first-time mother. I can’t help but question myself around ‘older’ moms.

On with my story……

I often visit BabyCenter.com and enjoy the different facets of their site; it was a great lunchtime visit when I was pregnant. They have this one area of polls where moms confess their ‘bad’ techniques and other moms ‘vote’ to admit whether they too had done it. Basically, it makes you feel less guilty when you see that 86% of other moms do it too!

Last night, was a Lucy and mommy night. Heath has been hanging out with his sister’s boyfriend lately. They are on a men’s, slow-pitch softball team. I don’t ask a lot of questions; I just allow the man time he needs. So, it leaves Lucy and me alone for nights of bonding. She wasn’t awake for very long after he left though. Once I laid her down, I quickly grabbed her video monitor, my bottle of water, and a snack. I made my own little ‘veg station’ in our living room, with the Chihuahuas curled up next to me. I had hooked the computer up to the TV and I was officially ready to watch numerous episodes of ‘Greek’ on hulu.com.

I think I watched three episodes before I thought I should peel myself off the couch. That darn show is so addictive (I recommend it to anyone though! :)). I, then, thought I would hurry and clean up before Heath got home and he saw that I was a slug all evening. I cleaned up the living room, got rid of the lazy evidence, and took several items to their rightful homes. The dishes went to the sink, my kicked off sandals went to the bedroom, and my snack wrappers went to the bottom of the trashcan. Alright, I’m lying; I couldn’t hide the finished off box of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch!

It seemed everything was in place – time to nab the laptop and settle into my new lazy spot in the bedroom. Oops, one more stop; the dogs have to go to the bathroom. Hurry up, Chico! Jeez, doesn’t he know that I have some valuable Greek to be watching. We finally made our way to the bedroom; “elevator!” I call to them while standing next to the bed. They know that this means I will pick them up and put them on the bed. They “‘take the elevator”, haha – our family is just corny like that! ;)

I was ready for another episode! I had all my essentials….wait…Lucy. I glanced around the room. Are you kidding me? No monitor. I remembered my water bottle, hair ties, sandals, a magazine, the laptop, the Chihuahuas, and I forgot about Lucy. I left her video monitor in the living room. Wow. I immediately felt guilty. How could I get so wrapped up in television and cleaning that I forgot about Lucy? I felt and still feel so guilty about it. How could I let her leave my mind, even if it was for a second?

I keep telling myself that it is alright. It means that I am finally comfortable and feel like she is safe in her crib, alone. Lots of people don’t even have monitors. I could have heard her if she would have started crying, so it isn’t like she was necessarily ‘unsupervised.’ Are these just excuses to justify bad behavior? I can’t help but doubt myself. Once again – first time mother here people!

At least I didn’t got to Paris for the holidays with the rest of my family and leave her at home, alone. ;) Okay, okay, I better end this post before the corniness gets too out of control!