Update of Us

Well, how have you all been? It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, here I am. Still trucking along with at least one blog post a month...I hope I haven't completely abandoned all of my readers....I still continue to strive for more posts per month, but I am also trying to be realistic. I'm struggling.

Do you remember how I used to whine and complain that I didn't have enough time? Time for being a mom, wife, full-time employee, homemaker, etc? Yeah, well, what made me think adding "student" to that list of roles would be seamless? It's not! I spend approximately 1 or 2 hours on my homework at least 5 nights a week. Now, I have a big project coming up, that is due on December 5th.That is truly my light at the end of this course tunnel. I think after that, I will be able to breathe again...at least until January when courses start again. Wish me luck!

I guess I should give you some other updates on our life, before I just jump right back into the swing of things. Last time you heard from me, besides the Halloween on TV schedule, I still had a pretty "open wound," from miscarrying. I can now say that I grieved properly and can now talk about it without losing myself. To be honest, it all just kind of seems like a dream, like it didn't really happen. I am still having minor issues in the "women's health" department, and will be going to give another blood sample later today; but, otherwise, I feel like this chapter is coming to a close. The miscarrying was awful. I had a couple of really, really hard days. If you follow this group on Facebook, you probably already knew that. But, with grieving comes comfort.

Through the awfulness of miscarrying, I thanked God. I thanked him for sending us to the hospital that day for the ultrasound. I am so thankful I found out that way. I can't imagine finding out in any other way. Plus, we now have ultrasound pictures of our angel baby - something I will treasure always.

When it rains, it pours in our house for some reason. I will continue on my Debbie Downer discussion and tell you that just a few weeks ago we lost our sweet, Chico Bandido.

 

He was 9 (the same age as Co-Co, when we lost her). We found out that he had congestive heart failure and a few days later, he passed in his sleep. I am sad; but, he was an older dog, who lived a wonderful life that other dogs dream of. He was spoiled rotten! We miss him; yet, I know he is with Co-Co now and they are having a ball...or playing with a ball...or something like that. ;)

Halloween came and went, all in a complete blur. Now the other holidays are upon us. I am prepared to put this awful fall behind me and take a nosedive right into Thanksgiving, Black Friday, winter, and our beloved Christmas. Don't get me wrong, not all of this fall, thus far, was terrible. I had some great times. Perhaps I will go into those more sometime.

Lucy is growing like crazy and has become a little kid, rather than a toddler. :( Bummer. Olive, is not a baby anymore and is a toddler. Crazy how time flies. I'll share more about their crazy, nerd sister antics later. :)

Have a happy Thursday. I hope I didn't bum you out. That was not my intention. Before I could really move on, I needed to fill everyone in on the bad and the ugly...now onto the good!

Explaining to Lucy

I apologize for beating this horse. It is still weighing heavily on my heart. But, I am hopeful that one day we will find comfort, and perhaps add another beautiful baby to our family.

I did want to share a story with you all though. I am not sure what you think about this, or what I think about it. But, it strikes me as eerily comforting.

When we first told Lucy about the baby, she was excited. She had told us that Olive was a girl before we found out, and had been generally right about guessing genders of babies. So, we, of course, asked her what the baby's gender was. Her reply was, "A girl and a boy."

We obviously took this as twins. So, we would laugh. I would ask, "How many babies are in mommy's tummy?"

She insisted, "One."

But, she would always follow-up with, "Then, a boy."

We just shrugged her off as a three-year-old who was misunderstanding things. I asked her again a couple of days later. Same story.

"A girl, then a boy."

"One baby."

So, she was consistent. But, I just dropped it.

When we found out that our little one went to Heaven, I thought about Lucy's comments. I didn't know what to think about them.

The sad day then came that Lucy said something to me about the baby in my belly. I sat down with her and told her that mommy didn't have a baby in her tummy anymore and that the baby went to Heaven to be with Jesus.

"The baby went to Heaven? To be with Jesus?"

"Yes, hunny." I started to cry.

"Why are you crying, Momma?"

"It just makes me sad."

Then, she said something that reached my soul. I'll never forget it. She bowed her head down in sadness and asked me...

"Momma, the boy is coming now?"

I just hugged her and told her, "Someday, maybe."

I didn't know what to think or do. Could it be that Lucy knew? Could it be that she was to provide us with comfort? For some reason it does bring me comfort, like this was God's plan and he let Lucy in on the secret.

Just felt like sharing...

Numb & Grateful

As I've mentioned in times of sadness, there seems to come a time where you are just numb. I think I am there. I try to talk myself out of reality. Sometimes I feel as if none of this ever happened. The last four weeks didn't really exist; it was a dream turned nightmare.

But, I know it is my reality. We did lose a baby. It happened. I want to forget. I want to remember. I am torn.

I am in a bit of a limbo right now. I still have not miscarried. So, all day I sit and analyze any pain that I feel in my abdomen. Unfortunately, at this point, I hope that it is my body finally starting this process. I want to get it over with. It is going to be tough. But, I want to get it over with...Then, there is this ridiculously optimistic and stupid part of me that says, "Maybe the tech was wrong. Maybe the baby is okay after all."

I know that isn't true. I can feel it. I don't feel pregnant. The symptoms have faded. I think I knew this before I went to the hospital. In retrospect, it makes sense. I never fathomed this though...

I still battle guilt, tremendous guilt. That seems to be the only time that I cry; when I think of something I said that was ungrateful. I complained that both of the girls' birthdays were on the 7th and this baby's wouldn't be. How ridiculous is that?! Or, when I was upset that I would be fat for a wedding in the spring. Selfish. I was so ungrateful. I have undoubtedly been taken back down to reality.

I do want to thank those of you who have reached out to me. I didn't realize that a few of my readers have also experienced this type of loss. Their words were very encouraging and I am seriously grateful that they shared their story with me. It made me feel like I was "normal." And, that what I was feeling was "normal."

It seems that so often we go through this type of pain in silence. If you are like me, it is easier to type to someone, because if you say it aloud, you will cry. That part makes me sad. So, to all of my readers, just know that I am here for you too.

As I wait, I hope you haven't stopped praying for us. I am afraid that one of the hardest parts still awaits me. Please also pray for Heath. He continues to be so strong for me and I am not sure he has had his breakdown moment. He was more excited than anyone about our surprise baby.

I sometimes feel like I let him down...the thought of this breaks my heart.


As I continue to grieve. I hope you don't mind if I bring up our angel baby now and again. I know many like to avoid the "awkward" topic. But, I've been told that there is no wrong way to grieve. Please support me in that. If I want to mention Baby #3, don't feel the need to change the topic or become silent. I want to remember this moment, when I leaned on God more than ever and asked him to speak to me.

Thank you again for your support, thoughts, personal stories, and prayers. I am so incredibly grateful, numb and grateful.

Loss

I debated a few times whether to title this post "Loss" or "Lost."

I guess I should first tell you that this is not a fun story. It is in no way exciting or upbeat. Please do not expect it to be so.

A few weeks ago I was late. And, by late, you know what I mean. I haven't been keeping track of my cycle, so I wasn't exactly sure how late I was. But, Heath and I were fairly certain that there was no need to consider the alternative to having a period; because, we had been careful. As days passed, Heath finally woke me up in the middle of the night one early morning. He insisted that I take a pregnancy test the next morning. I agreed.

I woke up early the next morning and thought about what Heath had said. It got into my head and I couldn't get back to sleep. So, I hopped out of bed and took one. I was shocked. I have taken these many times before. I usually pee, wait, try to decide if a line is showing or not...not this time. As soon as the wetness hit that line, it immediately read positive. I was, well, shocked. I guess Heath and I hadn't been as careful as we thought.

I ran to the stairs and yelled at Heath. He said he just knew it; he was so excited. I was still shocked and well, overwhelmed. I am a planner. It was not in sync with my plan. I had just started graduate school. Olive wasn't even one year old yet. We didn't have a vehicle that could fit three car seats. All three of them would be in high school at one time. I was just overwhelmed.

Heath had a golf tournament that day. So, I was home alone. I literally just sat around all day, freaking out. My heart would race. I was so worried about being able to handle it all. I was afraid that people would call us crazy.

As time passed, we told more and more family and friends. I was excited. Babies are miracles and the best blessings! However, I was not at all prepared for the responsibility and was still worried about it. I kept telling myself that by April, we would be ready. Heath was so excited. I'll be honest; he didn't seem this excited with either of the girls. He just knew this one was a boy. Since it wasn't planned, it was so much more exciting to him. Since it wasn't planned, I was having a much harder time wrapping my brain around it.

I went to the doctor to have it confirmed. I had another freak out moment at the doctor's, when she told me congratulations. I just couldn't believe it was all real. Could I do this?

We weren't really sure when exactly I got pregnant. And, my last period was really light. So, Dr. B suggested that I get an ultrasound. Then, we could know how far along I was. I was excited at the chance of this. I had never had one this early. So, around, what I would guess was at 8 weeks or so, I went in with Heath for an ultrasound.

Checking in was normal. We joked around about twins and wondered if I could really be 12 weeks along or so. We guessed a due date of around April 25th.

"What pregnancy is this for you?"

"My third."

"Two live births?"

"Yes."

"Any miscarriages?"

"No."

We started with a normal ultrasound of my stomach. I had no idea what we were looking at. It was all blobs to me. I did see a blob once that I was guessing might be a little baby spec. But, the tech didn't say anything. She measured stuff. She looked at the colors, which if I recall correctly was blood flow. I felt really uneasy about her demeanor. She wasn't talking us through it at all. I was then asked to go to the restroom and wrap up in a sheet for an internal ultrasound. Once in the bathroom, I could hear her ask for someone else to come into the room.

I tried to talk myself through my uneasiness. I was being paranoid. You know me. I was always worried about this stuff. I came back out and another woman had joined us. They just stared at the screen. They didn't turn it toward us. They didn't say, "Here is your baby." Nothing. I tried to read their faces. It was just stone-cold silence.

I looked at Heath and mouthed, "Is everything okay?"

The tech caught me and asked if I was comfortable. I said, "Yes; I am just worried about all of this."

She didn't respond.

The other woman left the room.

I was fairly certain that I knew at that moment. This wasn't good.

The other woman came back into the silent room.

She asked if I was going to see Dr. B after the ultrasound. I was going to. She said that Dr. B wanted to talk to me about today's results.

I asked, "You can't tell me anything?"

The tech looked at me, curled her mouth downward and said, "We aren't picking up a heartbeat. There was a pregnancy. The baby is measuring 6 weeks and 4 days, but that is as far as this baby got."

I started to sob, hard.

Heath rubbed my arm. He was so strong for me. He kept telling me that everything was going to be okay.

They asked if we needed a moment and I just cried on Heath's shoulder. I had done this. I was overcome with guilt. I had worried about it too much. I had treated this baby like an inconvenience in "my planned out life." I had acted like it didn't fit into my story. The guilt came rushing over me. This was my fault.

They had asked if I wanted ultrasound pictures. I did. I got two pictures of our baby - Baby Christiansen #3. I had already started taking pregnancy photos and filling out a belly book. We had already made plans for this baby - the car seat, when to buy his or her crib, and so on. It wasn't something that we could just ignore and pretend didn't happen or exist.

I took my photos and a book they gave us, "Dealing with Miscarriage," and walked out into the hallway. I quickly tucked the purple book into my bag. I didn't want everyone to see the woman with the purple book and know what had happened.

We got to the car and cried some more. Heath told me that it wasn't my fault. He was just so incredibly strong for me. He kept it together for me and allowed me to sob on his shoulder uncontrollably. I really couldn't ask for a better husband or father for my children.

We finally met with Dr. B. She echoed Heath's comments to me. "This is not your fault. It is nothing you did."

She said I had a bleed. That is fairly common. But, it was too close to the baby and the baby wasn't able to develop. We didn't really ask questions at that point.

I felt so guilty. I had sat in her office less than a week before, crying because I was so overwhelmed. Now, I was sitting here, babyless. How ungrateful am I?! What a terrible person I was. I did want that baby! I did! I loved that baby. I prayed for it.

We discussed the actual miscarrying. I still haven't miscarried. I am carrying around our baby. I am still carrying it with me. The thought of this, just breaks my heart.

I chose to miscarry naturally if I could. I hear that it can be quite emotional and traumatic. I can't bear to think of it. I just want to get it over with and start to feel closure with this loss.

Right now though, I am lost. I don't really know how to move forward. I can't sit still for too long or I start to think about it. I get upset. As quickly as I knew this baby was here, it was gone.

I am just trying to keep busy in the meantime. Heath and I don't really know how to move forward while something like this is still looming. Please just pray for us. We need all the support we can get. Despite what Heath tells me, I still have moments of incredible guilt. How dare I question God's plan? But, again, this must have been his plan. I am still trying to figure out why we were to experience this. I hope he speaks to us soon.

Thank you for all of your prayers. We will make it through this. We are a strong family. Please, if you see me, do not ask me how I am doing. I may just break down into tears. I prefer not to do this in public. I hope that isn't a selfish request...

I hope I can feel "normal" again soon. Before now, I thought that miscarriages were commonplace. I felt sad for them, but I didn't realize how a loss such as this can make you feel so lost.

I debated sharing our story. I thought that it might help me in some way. I like to know that I have a support system out there, praying for us. I am also so forthcoming with you guys about my pregnancies and our life changes. I felt that I needed to share this too, in a way. I thought too that perhaps writing it down might make it feel a little more real to me...I don't know. I just don't know...