Own Worst Enemy

Lucy has been fully immersed into math this year. She has optional math homework almost every night. And, of course, her mean mother makes her actually do it. She isn't thankful; but, I hope to someday be the very emotional center of a 'thank you speech,' given in front of a very large crowd.

First, let me say this, I feel like the way we did math in the 90s was so much easier. But, that is just me talking...I still try to go through the homework with her, following the instructions. Right now, I am trying to impress upon Lucy the importance of reading, understanding, and following the directions. Personally, I believe that will help her more in life than some of the lessons themselves. She has been doing subtraction, where you draw pictures of the number. For example, if you have 374, you would draw three cubes that represent 100 blocks each, seven columns that represent ten blocks each, and four single blocks. Then, you cross out numbers and borrow from the others to cover the "overage," etc. I don't recall doing it in elementary.

Here is the thing...Lucy knows how to subtract. She knows just "normal" subtraction. But, we are following directions. So, she is trying to draw these pictures below her math problems, trying to cross them out, and keep track of all the little cubes, columns, and dots. She ended up having such sloppy drawings that she was getting the problems wrong. She became very frustrated, knowing that they were wrong (since she knows how to get the answer the usual way). I kept telling her to write more neatly and erase her lines all the way, to not confuse herself. Finally, after trying to calm her down, I said, "You are your own worst enemy." If she took her time, she would have no problem. I knew she could do it.

Later on, I realized that I am probably my own worst enemy as well. Aren't we all? I mean, really?

Most of the time, I like to blame "society." It's an easy scapegoat. Society makes us feel ugly, fat, less worthy, like we are failing, like we aren't doing enough, and so on. I could literally write an entire blog post about how society makes me feel. But, I'm reminded again that I am in control of my own feelings. Was it Eleanor Roosevelt who said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"?

I came to this conclusion while...what else? Mommin.

Heath ended up having an impromptu board meeting last night, and it ended up going much later than we all expected. It is hard to describe the frustration I get when I have a clear plan in my mind of how things are gonna work and then things change without me knowing. It is the dumbest, most anal thing. But, I am so incredibly uptight, it makes me ca-razy! Type A to the core. So, I had to clean up supper, keep the kids entertained for a while, bathe the kids, do the bedtime routine, etc. by myself. It's not that big of a deal, except 1) I hadn't planned on it and was not mentally prepared to do so, and 2) the kids were being awful!

You know what I mean when I say the kids were being awful. For us, it is usually Thursdays. It is like the kids are finally all worn out from the week and decide to clog their ears with metaphorical cotton balls, hit each other with anything within arms reach, and cry if you even look at them wrong. But, instead, the kids chose last night to do this. It was one of those nights where you empathize with the alcoholic, stay-at-home mothers of the 60s. You know what I mean?

I was being so hard on myself about it all. I was trying to do something as a family. I was forcing it; but, the kids wouldn't stop fighting. And, Olive wouldn't clean up the living room, after emptying the toy bin. And, Lucy wouldn't put her shoes away, and Henry wouldn't stop picking on the dogs. I was at my wit's end. I thought, " Wait a minute...I'm my own worst enemy too."

Maybe tonight we don't do something as a family. So, I split the kids up and made them go to different rooms. And, I said, forget it with Olive's toys; I am literally looking at them right now as I type this. But, I will have her clean them up after school, when she is in a better, more agreeable mood (and I am too!). And, I put the dogs in their kennels to just change Henry's focus.

I think we get wrapped up in these ideas of how things are "supposed" to go. I know that I do. I have these ideas in my mind about spending time together and making the kids get along, and limiting screen time. But, just as my kids choose to completely lose their minds one night a week, I will just plant their butts in front of YouTube videos and grab myself a little bit of sanity. Why do we continue to push our own agenda, when it clearly isn't working out? Why do I continue to push my own agenda that I designed around societies "image" of how an evening at home is supposed to look?

We are our own worst enemies.

For me, I just have to remind myself that some days the fight is not worth it. It doesn't have to be every day. But, some days, we all just need a day to throw our arms in the air and say,
"whatever..."