Besides the quick post last week and the television schedule for Christmas, you may have wondered where the heck I was! Or, perhaps, you didn't even notice - which is fine too. Well, I was in Mexico...on a cruise to be exact. I didn't want to say anything before hand because I am paranoid about people knowing we are gone.....you understand.
It all started when my mom got remarried. She wanted to go on a family trip to celebrate. I highly recommended a cruise, since we just loved our honeymoon cruise. When I was 8 months pregnant with Lucy we decided that we would book it. My thought process was, "Lucy will be 10 months old by then and it won't be as scary." It was a thought for such a 'non-mother.' What the heck was I thinking? Heath even asked me that a few days before the trip. What were we thinking, leaving Lucy for this long? We seriously thought it wouldn't be THAT difficult.
Well, as she grew and we grew into parenthood, I became increasingly nervous about the situation. I was basically 'freaking out' in all of my paranoid ways. In the last month I cried lots of nights to Heath, just pouring out to him how scared I was of leaving her.
As most of you have gathered, I have some control issues. I like feeling somewhat in control of the situation - especially if I feel emotionally attached. So, giving up control and trusting things will be alright is very difficult for me. I did the only thing I knew how, as a self proclaimed, organized, control-freak. I made a Lucy 'handbook' for the relatives who were keeping her.
It was a 7-page manual about her routine, feeding, teething, sleeping...you name it, it was in there!
Over the top? I know what you are thinking, "you left her with relatives (specifically her aunt & uncle and her grandma), not some bum on the street!" Yes, you are correct. I know that and I told myself that over and over again. Also, I've left her before for overnight visits with my mom and even full days with other family members. I even trust daycare to watch her for 8 hours a day!
I think it was the idea of the ship - being disconnected from the world. I kept thinking of this horrible story I once heard about a girl whose grandmother passed away while she was on a cruise and she didn't find out until she got back. No one wanted to ruin her trip and she hadn't contacted anyone back home. I just knew I would come back to Lucy in the hospital or with stitches or something! Calm down Cori, you're crazies are emerging...
Finally though, the day came. It was time to say "Until Later." I kissed her and told her how much I loved her over and over again. I prayed for her more times that day than I can remember. I was terrified. I of course bawled my eyes out, which resulted in my Aunt and my Grandma crying too. It was an emotional one for the moms.
I thought about her the entire trip. We ended up being able to check our email on the boat. It was like $25 for 60 minutes; so, we'd check it fast. Our family sent updates, pictures, and videos. It was something that I looked so forward to during the day. It almost made me cry too; but, it was a happy cry. It was exactly what I needed. Thank goodness she didn't pass any major milestones during those 10 days. I really would have been upset then!
The cruise was exactly what I wanted; well to be honest, it was what I needed. Heath and I both needed it. I needed to learn to trust and let go of a little control, every once in a while. I needed to get away from work and stress too. Overall, it was just nice to feel like Heath and I were married again! We haven't really celebrated each other in a long while. On the cruise we were able to get dressed up, go to nice dinners, relax, and actually get some alone time.
The hardest part, I thought, would be saying good-bye to Lucy. Wrong - coming back to see her was harder for me. She changed! She looked different! He hair was lighter, her hands were bigger, her face changed a little, she just looked different! She even smiled differently! If you ask Heath, I am delirious. Hey, a mother knows these things and she had changed, seriously! I felt so left out. That was when the guilt came pouring over me. She was kind of shy and confused when we got back. It broke my heart. I just held her tight and told her that we'd never leave her again - to that, Heath laughed. He thinks I'm dramatic; I'm sure. Today, she is finally back to 'normal' and I am used to her always changing looks.
Would I do it again? Yeah, probably. I feel like a much more seasoned mother now, for some reason. I feel like I took a major step that I would have had to experience at some point. I just skipped ahead a few chapters. Plus, the cruise was so fun and as I said before, it was great for Heath and me.
Thank you, family, for keeping my baby girl safe. I owe you! :)
