Thank You, Husband

Today is Heath's birthday.

If he ever has a hard time getting older, he doesn't let on much. He has this amazingly optimistic outlook on life, more often than not. He told me that he is just thankful to be here another birthday and that he doesn't want a thing to celebrate it. Well, I do have a surprise for him, that I won't spoil here. However, I think one of the most important things I can do for him is to tell him that I love him, and "Thank you!"

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin. Heath does so much for me and is such a part of me that I honestly forget that he is another person sometimes. I sometimes think of him as just an extension of me. He is just always there, and I know how he thinks and feels (usually), without him even having to tell me. We truly grew up together - forming our personalities, values, morals, etc., all along side each other. He is my confidant, and the person I pick my zits in front of, who sees me without makeup and without a bra - standing! (Yes, it's a big deal to me, because these babies are sad, sad, sad...)

I often stumble into the bathroom after a hard nights sleep, wiping the drool off my cheek, and leaving the door wide open to pee. When I finally catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror, I wonder why Heath isn't half-way to Mexico, to find himself some hot seniorita. Instead, he is stuck with me. In fact, he chooses to be with me. I don't mean to be self-deprecating; but, I think several of us wonder how our families put up with us most of the time.

Heath truly puts me and the kids above himself. It is an envious trait. He rarely does anything selfish, and I mean that. If he does, you can guarantee that it was unintentional. Every morning he thinks about what he can do to make all of us happy, healthy, and feel loved. It makes him a wonderful husband and father. He is truly one of the best dads out there; fight me on it.

Now, I may suck at apologizing. I really do. But, I say "thank you" a lot. I think I say it so much that it has started to lose its value. Just yesterday, Henry and I decided to go get chips and guacamole from the local Mexican food place. I sent Heath a photo of Henry and later called him to tell him, "Thank you." You see, Heath is in the middle of a very stressful season at work. This past couple of weeks have been the most stressful and exhausting for him at this company. We have all been a bit grumpier, sleepier, and snappier. So, for me to be able to stay at home with Henry, and even go out for chips and guacamole in the middle of the afternoon, could easily make Heath envious, or even bitter. I am sure that he was a bit envious, I mean he is only human; but, his only comment was, "I'm glad that you guys are able to go do stuff like that."

I truly owe my happiness to him.

Me staying at home and teaching online part-time - that was all a very big decision for us to make as a family. It was a decision that I struggled with and will probably address more as time goes on. But, I never take a second of it for granted. In the past three years, I am happier than I ever have been in my adult life. I know that it is because Heath has helped me make several of my dreams come true.

So, Heath, thank you for putting up with me. With us. With my love for dogs, and for not taking my shoes off when I come in the house. And, thank you for putting up with my love for cheese on all of our meals, and the dollars I spend on coffee creamer. Thank you for letting me sleep in on the weekend, even if it is only for a couple of hours (wink). Thank you for cleaning the hair balls out of the shower drain, and telling me that I look beautiful when my eczema flairs up. Thank you for accepting my mom-bod, and for letting me be the most uptight person you know. Thank you for so, so much.

I love you. Thank you for choosing me.

Judging

People are judgy. They are. It's just a fact. Even if they don't comment on you in a malicious way, they still have an opinion about the way you are living your life. Now, I realize that when I say people that totally includes me. I find myself being judgy. I hate it. I seriously do. I don't want to be so judgey. In fact, after I say something really bitchy, I usually regret it later. If my mind could just keep up with my mouth, we'd be fine.

Are there things that you don't talk about, because you are afraid that people will judge you? Or, disagree and make things awkward?

Hopefully, I am not alone in these things. I would like to think that someone else out there feels that way too. But, sometimes it is just nice to vent - to let it all out there. Take me as you will.

1. I like McDonalds. I like it a lot. I am super sad/angry that they nixed the super sizes of french fries. I like it so much in fact, you know that picture that has circulated the web? The one with that pink ice cream looking stuff, that is supposedly processed chicken? It doesn't bother me. I could sit and eat an entire box of 20 chicken McNuggets while staring at that picture.
2. I do not take a shower everyday. In fact, I will go several days without washing my hair.
   
3. When Olive couldn't quite hold the bottle on her own and I was is in the same room, I would occasionally prop her bottle to cook supper. Keep in mind, before you call CPS, I was in the same room.
4. Until very recently, I didn't go to church frequently. This has nothing to do with my relationship with God. As a result though, I cannot routinely quote the Bible. 
5. I breastfed the girls for about 5 to 6 weeks, but I didn't love it. I did it strictly for Lucy and Olive. If it were for me, I would go straight to the bottle.
   
6. I am a child of divorce. I think that it was best for my parents. It was hard at the time, but it was best for everyone's future. 
7. I do not floss regularly. I know I should.
8. I give my dogs kisses, which allows them to lick my face. Yes. I know. They lick their butts.  
9. I wear jeans several times before putting them in the wash.
10. I have a filthy, filthy car. That includes the junk and trash in the doors and the dust on the dash.
11. I am horrible at stacking clothing at the end of the bed, until my closet is half empty. When people come over, I have to shut our bedroom door.
12. I take the occasional picture of myself for no good reason other than the fact that I have put on makeup and dressed halfway descent (#selfie). 
13. I don't wash my makeup off at night.
14. I like Alanis Morrisette. I do. I listen to 'The Collection' while I run. It's very angry.
15. I bite my nails and cuticles. It is a nasty habit. It gets worse with boredom or nervousness.

Well, now you know all of my life's dirty details - or, at least 15 of them.

One day, I'm sure I will regret not taking "better care of myself."  But, at 27, I've accepted my bad habits. I know better. But, it's up to me.


What are you afraid people will judge you on?

I'm a Statistic!

To be honest, I don't mind it too much. I can handle being a statistic.  It happens to the best of us.

Well, I have been encouraged to do a post about this for about a month now and I just wasn't quite sure what I wanted to say yet, without having a complaint session.  So, here it goes....be forewarned.

What's the statistic you ask? According to BabyCenter.com, 85% of women are about 5 lbs or heavier on their baby's first birthday, than what they weighed before they got pregnant.

I can't be for certain that those are the exact stats without looking it up; but, I remember reading it aloud to Heath and saying, "That's me!"

Is it awful that I take comfort in this statistic? That it makes me feel less bad about still carrying around those 5 lbs?  In my case, it is really about 6.5 lbs...depending on if you go by the doctor's office scale or mine at home. I used to judge my weight on how my clothes fit and that was all. And, now-a-days, I am getting even better at that!  My body has changed and I am losing weight differently than I ever have.  Having Lucy was life changing in more ways than one...

As I have mentioned before, I gained a whopping 54. 6 pounds with Lucy!  I basically stopped all physical activity and ate whatever the heck I wanted, plus a sausage croissant more!  I paid for it too. I was the biggest I've ever been and the biggest I hope I'll ever be (fingers crossed!). I tried to stay active, somewhat, by taking the stairs instead of the elevator, parking far away, that kind of stuff; but, wow breathing is so much more difficult when you are pregnant!  I even tried to do some pregnancy yoga and got too light headed; so, I quit that too. :( I got to a point where the most activity I would have was walking from the bed to the bathroom a hundred times a night.

I didn't really have a plan after I had Lucy, on how to lose weight. I was too busy thinking about Lucy. I knew that I would somehow get back to 'normal' - ha.  I laugh at the word 'normal' because it is non-existent. This is the new normal!

I still ate pretty normal while I was breastfeeding. I didn't want to cut my calories too much.  Then, when I stopped breastfeeding, I went hardcore dieting. I went back on Weight Watchers, which I had some success in the past with. (In college, I gained like 15 pounds and somehow went on WW and lost 20, in 2 months!)

I then started to exercise. My sister-in-law told me about kickboxing classes held at our local wellness center. I said, "What the hey!?" And, started them.  It kicked my butt by the way...they still do, twice a week!

The pounds came off pretty quickly after that. I was motivated and somehow got down, a mere 11.5 pounds from my goal - in just 5 months!  My gallbladder surgery helped me lose another 5 lbs...which I know, I know, isn't the healthiest way to lose weight. But, I'll take it!

My old clothes fit. My jeans fit again. Diet motivation? See ya!

I got to where I was only working out, toning my now-somewhat-existent-muscles, and eating pure crap (pizza, bosco sticks, mac & cheese, chips). I was eating whatever I wanted, just in small to medium portions. What this did for me was, keep me in the same place on the scale. I was stuck. Scratch that...I am stuck.

I am hoping with some spring weather that I will start running outside more, which I really enjoy. Sometimes on the treadmill I can't escape my own mind. I start thinking about wanting to quit and how much it hurts, or how much farther I need to go. Outside, I am relieving stress and I can physically see my progress flying past me. :)

The bad part about spring? The weather is nice and I want to get out of the house more. Going out to eat is more appealing, as is cooking out (hotdogs, polish sausage, and potato chips!).

Anyway, enough with the excuses. Kickboxing is going to be offered this summer; so, I have no reason to become unmotivated. And, I just have to get back to my previous weight before Heath and I consider having more children.  What happens is moms don't lose the 5 lbs and then have another. Then, they have 10 lbs, and if they have another....well, you get the picture.

In the mean time, I want to stay positive - celebrate the good things!  Like: I have come a long way. Although I have been 'stuck' for months now, at least I'm not gaining!  And, I have been wanting to put together some 'Biggest Loser' type comparisons for a long time now. So, here they are...everyone loves a good comparison!

Far left: After my first weight loss, of 20 lbs.
Middle left: 14 weeks pregnant, and 1 lb down, due to morning sickness
Middle right: 11 weeks after having Lucy, in my friend wedding (I was so chubby for her wedding! I feel like I ruined all of her photos!)
Far right: This was last November, 6.5 lbs to go!

 

Left: The day before I found out I was pregnant

Middle: Again, at my friend's wedding, 11 weeks after having Lucy

Right: Again, me in November, 6.5 lbs to go

Looking at those pictures makes me realize how far I've come! I didn't realize I was so big at the time. I just knew I wanted to lose.  When Heath, Lucy, and I watched a video of the day she was born Heath said, "Lucy, look at how much weight mommy has lost!"

Thanks hun......thanks a lot.....haha.

A “Wall” Ago

They say if you do something 12 times, then it becomes a habit.

First off, I think when I refer to ‘they’ I am really referring to my husband, Heath. When he relayed the message to me, I am not sure who the ‘they’ was. Who knows really? He is kind of sketchy on that type of stuff. For all we know, he could have heard something totally different. Sometimes his “telephoning” skills are mediocre, at best.

Anyway, let us pretend, for this posts’ sake, that this statement is true. Heck, we’ll even pretend that if you do something 60 times, it becomes a habit. That means that if you do something every day for three months, it becomes habitual. Hmmmm…….I really, really, want to believe this. But, sometimes I feel like there are certain things that you have done for SO long, it is hard to revert.

One time I did do this though! In 7th grade, I decided that I wanted to write the letter ‘a’ differently. I wanted to write it like you see here, with a little top curve – adorable! Plus, you know how you are always doodling at that age. - Mrs. Cori DiCaprio - Haha. I doodled so much, I changed. To this day, I write my a’s with a top curve.

And, I want to add, to my credit, I did teach myself to like diet pop, green olives, and mustard. Weird, I know; don’t ask.

Every since then, I have been completely unable to make changes. There are so many things I do not want to accidentally pass on to Lucy. Heath and I talk about all the things we want for her and things we don’t want for her.

“I don’t want to cuss in front of her.” – says the pregnant version of me.

“Thanks a lot for the blinker, asshole.” – says the road-raged version of me, with Lucy in the backseat.

“Aw, she’s too young still. I have at least 3 more months to stop cussing.” – says my inner voice.

The fact is: I did stop cussing once. I am not sure it lasted an entire three months (especially with how often I accidentally stub a toe or burn myself on the stove). Hey, don’t judge me. Mythbusters proved that people can withstand more pain when they cuss, rather than yelling random words. Alright, alright, judge away…...but, I swear I will not be that one parent, in the parking lot, shoving their 100 kids into a Geo, cussing about who dropped their ice cream.

“I want Lucy to eat healthy.” – says Heath to a pregnant me.

“Yeah, let’s never introduce her to hotdogs and she won’t know what she missing out on.” – I say, with a slight sarcastic chuckle.

“We will only get turkey-dogs though.” – says Heath.

“Whaaaaat?! She has to know what Fairbury, red hotdogs taste like! She has to be able to enjoy a good, sporting event hotdog! They’re the best!” – cries my inner voice.

Okay, so I guess I just proved that there are some things we may need to change, but are unwilling to. I avoided hotdogs during my pregnancy – 9 months! I made it, somehow, through football season too! But, I just ate one last week. Darn it. (See that, no cussing! :))

“I am going to do crunches every night before I go to bed. Help remind me.” – I say to Heath.

Two days later, “Hey! I haven’t done them the last two nights. I thought you were going to remind me!”

And sometimes we can’t even get to the 12 days on our own, nonetheless, three months! Do you like that though? How I convinced myself that it was, in fact, HEATH’s fault that I didn’t do the crunches?

Finally, that brings me to my childhood embarrassment caused by my parents. Here is an example: My dad, probably because of his parents (it’s a vicious cycle), says a phrase wrong. He says, “a wall ago” instead of “a while ago.” Ugghhhhh!!! I, for the life of me, cannot stop saying this either! “Oh, I just stopped by a wall ago and you weren’t there.” A WALL AGO? That doesn’t even make sense. The only thing I can think of is that my dad was in the south too much as a child. Their ‘while’ kind of sounds like ‘wall.’ He was too impressed upon at 12 years old I guess! He doesn’t speak with a southern accent though – weird.

Growing up, my keen ear picked up on said ‘wall’ and I’m now cursed with the idiotic phrase. I say it aloud and immediately say to myself… “WHILE.” This includes me tightening my brow line and clenching my teeth and right fist. Even when my dad is around and says it I ask, “when did that happen, dad?” His only reaction is, “Shut up.”

I wish that I could make those changes before Lucy is old enough to catch on. I also wish that I could make exercising and eating healthy a habit. I am just not convinced it can become one. I think it has to be a conscious decision you make every day. And as far as our turkey-dogs and weird, family quirks, I guess that will help build her personality. I just have to face it; she is going to gather lots of my traits while she grows up – good and bad.

Or wait, is it ‘wall she grows up?’ Just kidding, dad – I love you! Haha. I only make fun because you gave the habit, or misunderstanding rather, to me.