The Decision to be a Stay-At-Home Mom

I have been a stay-at-home mother (SAHM) for almost four years. That seems kind of crazy to even type. Four years. Wow. While I feel like I am finally getting the hang of being a SAHM, I also am not at all getting the hang of it. I am convinced that I may never be used to this ever-changing role that I have taken on. Life is that way, though, right? As soon as you feel like you have established some type of routine, you get that curve ball that resets everything.

(Type A cringe of grand proportion)

I have been wanting to address my/our decision for me to stay home ever since the decision was made. 

I’m telling you now, this post will be long - like six Word pages long. And, before I jump in, I am gonna say that I am in no way trying to guilt working mothers or convince them to stay home. I think you are amazing and I am in awe of you every day. I have been blessed to be both a working mother and a SAHM. Both are awesome and make me proud to be a woman/mother. As Beyonce would ask, "Who run the world?!"

The first time Heath and I discussed me becoming a stay-at-home mother, I had just had Lucy and was returning to work after an eight-week maternity leave. I struggled putting Lucy in daycare. If you at all read my blog back in 2011, you know how much I struggled. I just couldn’t get over it. But, many other apprehensions won out each time it was discussed and, well, I continued to work. With Olive’s birth, we visited the discussion again. At this point, we had become quite financially “comfortable,” and the idea seemed even further from a reality. I actually liked my job at that time and the people I worked with. The daycare was in my building and since Heath worked at the same place, we rode to and from work together. It really was a great situation for a working mother. It seemed stupid to walk away from something so seemingly ideal.

Then, without going into much detail, I became unhappy in my working role. It became very apparent to me, and every single person around me, that it was time for me to transition to something else. That very difficult point in my life was what pushed me to make the decision that I had been avoiding for many years – five years actually. I was pregnant with our youngest and again, Heath asked me, “Do you want to stay home?”

Every time I heard that question uttered, I immediately became nervous. I can distinctly recall moments in the car, on the way home from work, physically trembling with fear just talking about it. I had several concerns, and fears, and irrational worries. I have decided to share a few with you. Or, maybe ten...

1)      Money

The number one concern was an obvious one – money. We needed to figure out if we could even make it work, financially. I knew that we could, in a grand sense. However, we had certainly become accustomed to a certain lifestyle. Were we ready to take that cut?

Four years later…
I do not take this point of discussion lightly. Honestly, when it comes to a two-income family, having one of them stay at home is sometimes not even an option. The fact that it was even a consideration for us, was and is a blessing.

At first, it was a huge adjustment that we took on as a challenge. It was actually kind of fun. I took my monthly “allowance” and knew that with every dollar saved, I could celebrate with that money – a night out, a new gadget, some type of splurge, and so on. I wasn’t sure if I could keep up the momentum, but was willing to give it a go. Thankfully, we saved a lot of money right away. Daycare for three children was going to be about 30-40% of my salary anyway. So, there was a huge savings. And, I didn’t need to buy work clothes any longer. My dream of living in Target yoga pants and cheap sweatshirts was now a reality. But, most of all, we were no longer using our money to make us happy.

When I was working, I became extremely unhappy. I was stressed, and pregnant, and working in graduate school, and took my anger/sadness/discontentment home with me every single night. We got home at 5:30 PM, unloaded and settled in by 6 PM, and the last thing I wanted to do was put a meal on the table. So, we ordered out a lot. A lot. I mean, A LOT. I think we were spending almost $600 a month on just eating out. We would justify it with working so hard. We had also started justifying big splurges too. When you work your ass off and are unhappy, you buy things to try and fill your cup. You feel like you deserve it; you work all the time and deserve to use some of it on something that makes you happy, right?  Well, we immediately stopped doing that. Mostly because we had to; but, we soon realized that we didn’t need to anymore. With me staying home, we were now happy without the splurging; we were content.

I must also mention that we were very fortunate in our path. It wasn’t long after I started staying home that Heath applied for and received a new job. It has been an amazing blessing in our lives in so many ways. Moreover, it did relieve quite a bit of the financial strain as well. Then, I applied for and received the opportunity to teach online courses as an adjunct faculty member at a local institution. It is sporadic and not a guaranteed income, but it helps financially (and I love it and hope to elaborate more on that another time).

2)      Judgment from other People – Society

I kept wondering what other people might think about my decision. Would everyone think I was lazy? Would they think that I got fired? Would they think that I wasn’t smart enough? And also, for me, I was in the middle of a graduate program. The idea that I might start staying home and not “using” my degree, at least right away, seemed silly.

Four years later…
I still struggle with this. Because, let’s be honest, society is judgmental. SAHMs and working mothers both get judgement. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. For me, I am very insecure about this point in particular. When I thought about people asking me what I did for a living, I would feel sick. How could I say, “I stay at home”? Looking back, I think I may have judged SAHMs a bit too. I don’t even know why exactly; I guess it felt like the “right side” to be on. I blame ignorance. 

The entire idea of being scared of what society might think makes me laugh now. As I have become more comfortable in this role, and found other BA SAHMs out there, I don’t feel embarrassed or apologetic. I feel empowered and ready to fight ‘em on it. I am not lazy. I am educated. I am organized. And, WE ARE HAPPY. Period. That is all that matters. It was right for our family. It isn’t right for everyone. But, for us, it is.

3)      Judgment from other People – Our Family

Thinking about how Heath’s family might react scared me. Would they think that I was “taking advantage” of him? Would they think I should be doing more, financially, to contribute? And, of course, would they think I was just being lazy?

Four years later…
I was absolutely terrified to tell our family that I was going to be staying home. I made Heath tell his parents. I stressed how important it was for him to let them know he was supportive of the idea. Because, that was KEY. If he didn’t support the idea, it wouldn’t work. While I “run the show” at home. None of this is even possible without Heath. I acknowledge that and probably don’t thank him enough for it. 

In the beginning, while everyone was nice about it, I could see the fear in their eyes. They were scared for us. We had a nice home, I was in graduate school, and we had a third baby on the way. No one really knew what our finances were; but, I’m sure it appeared scary from the outside! The fear was again reignited when we decided to take on a fixer-upper, and had two mortgages for a brief period.

You can really only do so much to give family comfort. It took time, I think, before they could see that we are doing alright. And, it took time to see how much happier we became. 

4)      What if I am not meant to be a SAHM?

What if the idea of staying home seems great, but I wasn’t meant for it? I am not much of a “kid person” - really. That sounds terrible; but, I’m not. I ruled out being an Elementary School Teacher many, many years ago. So, what if I was just not built for this? What if I quit my job and hated being at home? It’s not like you can just go back to your old job and be like, “Ooops. Never mind.” And, finding a new job that I liked and was paid similarly was not guaranteed. 

Four years later…
If I said that my first months were easy, I’d be lying. It takes some time to get used to being at home. I felt guilty for any second that I wasn’t doing something. I would basically follow the kids around, picking up anything and everything, making sure the house was spotless. Moments that I now realize are necessary for recharging and sanity, I would fill with multiple activities each day. While Heath never said a word to me about it, I always felt this immense pressure to have the house looking beautiful and have dinner on the table when he came home. That was my new job, right?

Heath has said many, many times that he doesn’t expect anything. And, thank the Lord for him, because you know what? Life still happens. Some days I don’t get everything done. And, sometimes things come up. And, sometimes the kids have bad days. And, sometimes I have bad days. And, sometimes we make frozen pizza for dinner. When I finally embraced that idea, I embraced the reason for staying home. The priority for me was the kids.

Yes, staying home has also allowed me to get more things done during the day, to allow for more family time in the evenings. It allows me to be more involved with the kids’ school lives. And, I could list about a billion other things it gives me the opportunity to do. Bottom line is: I gambled and I won. I love staying at home. And, also, after being at home…I’m still not a kid person. Turns out, you don’t have to be. I just have to be a “my kids” person.

5)      Adult Interaction

Being a working mother, you aren’t necessarily privy to all of the SAHM mother programs or activities, day-time volunteer opportunities, or who to even call for play-dates. Everyone I was really good friends with and all of my family, at that time, worked. I would be at home with a 2.5 year old and a baby full-time; my five year old would be there when not in school. Could Heath carry the entire load of my conversational yearning?

Four years later…
I struggled a lot in the first year. I had a newborn too; so, that may have been a lot of the issue. But, mostly, I was not familiar with the SAHM “scene.” Where do I meet other moms? Is there an app that will match me with them? Swipe left? Right?

It was a blessing that a friend of mine suggested our local MOPs group (Moms of Preschoolers). We meet once a month and I absolutely love it. I look so forward to the meetings; but, it has linked me to other SAHMs in the area. I now have a weekly women’s group I attend, and many numbers to text for impromptu play dates.

SAHM full-disclosure: playdates are totally not for the kids, y’all. They are for our sanity. And, maybe a tiny bit for the kids…I mean, they usually sleep better burning off all that energy...

I also decided to just be more open to social interaction. If another mom started up a conversation at t-ball practice, I welcomed it. I never had a reason to seek out new friendships before. Now, it seems like I have so many, and I have so many people to reach out to for anything. My support system grew considerably! 

I don’t like to give advice, but I’m gonna. (Actually, I love to give advice, but acknowledge, like, who am I to be giving advice? Anyway, here is my advice…) If you are invited to something, go. I mean, if the only thing that keeps you from going is social anxiety and the fear of being awkward, then please try it. I am SO awkward. You have no idea! And, I am so glad I chose to say yes and to go. The first couple of times are scary and weird; but, you WILL figure out who you have commonalities with. It won’t take long before you…dare I say it?... "find your tribe.”

6)      My Husband Might Resent Me

I worried that Heath my start to resent me at some point. The first time we had to say no to a purchase, because it wasn’t in the budget, would he be mad that I wasn’t working? Seeing other people go on expensive vacations or buying this or that, would he be upset with our decision? And, when I was able to sleep-in, or do something fun with the kids, would he be angry that I got to do it and not him? 

Four years later…
Heath truly might resent me. In the depths of his soul, there may be some resentment. I don’t know unless he tells me. And, I check in on it from time to time. Heath consistently tells me that he is happy with our set-up, that I can stay home with our children. He is happy with all of it. And, I believe him. I know that there is always the possibility that he may someday change his tune. So, I just make sure that I remember such. I try to make extra time for him. I try to be thoughtful. And, I say, “Yes, you deserve it,” when he suggests buying something for himself – most of the time that is…

7)      A Resume Gap

I had a big worry that I would have a resume gap, which I wasn’t even sure at that time how big of a gap that might be! I was concerned that when I decided to jump back into the workforce, people wouldn’t respect the gap and my reason for it – especially men. And, was I ready to start out at a base salary again, and being older this time around?

Four years later…
As mentioned, I was fortunate enough to eventually start a part-time gig. But, before that, I decided to keep my resume alive by volunteering. I was able to apply for and get a position on a local board for a non-profit organization. It was something that related to my work experience, was something that I was passionate about, and gave me an outlet for that yearning to work. That last part probably sounds silly. But, after my first couple of meetings, I told Heath, I just liked the strategic thought and being able to use my work experience and degree in some way. It was a nice fulfillment for me. I got to be successful outside the home as well.

I have also become so comfortable in my role at home that I've become quite defiant about it. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. The more you love your decisions, the less you care what other people think about them. So, if you stay home and you have a resume gap, and a potential boss doesn’t respect it, then what does that say about them? It would indicate that they aren’t going to be A) a decent person to work for, or B) understanding when it comes to family needs. So, maybe you don’t want to work for them anyway… 

8)      I Cheated My Older Children

Since I didn’t make this decision earlier, when my girls were born, if I stayed home with the youngest, did I cheat the others? Will this make me even sadder about missing out on the time my girls spent at daycare? 

Four years later…
I don’t know if I can or will ever overcome this insecurity. Because it is just that. It is something that I personally deal with. I know other mothers who did the opposite of me; they stayed home with older children and then worked while the younger ones went to daycare. And, what it comes down to is doing what is right for our families. I believe in God’s plan and His timing. We weren’t necessarily in the position for me to stay home before, and I don’t know if I would appreciate staying home as much had I not experienced what I did. God is in control and I’ll know if and when it’s time to make another shift.

9)      Am I Thickening that Glass Ceiling?

I had previously experienced outright sexism in the workplace, more than once. I won’t go into details; but, I was told that since I was a female and someone else was a male, that [this] is how it was going to be. If I quit, was I just perpetuating the stereo-type? It felt like by staying home, I was telling everyone that I “wasn’t right for the workplace” and “my place was at home.” 

Four years later…
Turns out, my place is at home - but, not for the reasons that sexist turd-bag implied…

I don’t believe that SAHMs are “less-than.” And, maybe I am perpetuating some stereo-type by staying home. But, I believe that I could become the first female president tomorrow, and those stereo-types will still exist. All I can do is continue to fight for women who want to do more, and empower my girls. We don’t have to do ALL things that men do. But, we should be able try, if we want, right? And, it goes the other way too, men. Stay-at-home Dads, are ya with me?!

10)   Independence

If I stayed home, I would be 100% financially dependent on Heath. I trust my husband. I do. Really. But, giving up all independence is kinda terrifying. What if I stay home, face many of the aforementioned concerns, and then Heath finds himself a 20-something-hottie to leave me for? To Heath, this concept is laughable. Literally, every time I have mentioned this idea, he laughs at me. I didn’t, or don’t, truly believe it would happen. But, I mean…I am a realist as well and I am not going to say that it is impossible. I would be trying to jump back into the work-force and adjusting to my own, likely lower than before, female (78 cents on the dollar) salary - all while adjusting to all the other issues a separation brings. 

It was a very small, in the depths of my mind, concern.

Four years later…
I have to trust Heath. I have to let go and let God. There are some things you just can’t obsess about. This, coming from someone who obsesses about everything! But, really, I can’t dwell on an insecurity. If I continue to work on my marriage, and just keep trying, then I can feel content with my efforts. You can only do so much; I am not in control of other people’s actions, and I never will be – no matter how much I would like to be sometimes. So, I try my best and that’s all I can do. And, I respect that.

_____________________________________________

It might be time, or age. But, I am finding comfort and contentment with my decisions. My life. My thoughts. All of it. I know that our life can turn upside down at any minute. I’ve witnessed it. I just continue to have faith in my family, my support system, myself, and most importantly, God. 

And again, working moms, you are killin' it. The grass is green over here. But, your grass is green too. Different greens, but both green. I promise.

DayCare Blues

Lucy has started whining every once in a while, when we take her to DayCare. It makes me sad. At least once a week, sometimes twice, when we pull up to the building she starts whining or crying, "No. No K and J."  (Those are the two ladies that run the daycare.)

It breaks me heart. I wish I could stay home with her. I wish she had the option at least. It makes me sad all over again. To be honest, I have been getting a lot better with the idea of Lucy going to daycare. She is developing wonderfully and learning so, so many things! This kind of takes me back to when she was little and I constantly thought about all that I was missing out on...

After a lot of thought, I'll admit it. If I were a stay-at-home mom, Lucy would probably not be as educationally advanced as she is. I don't know if I would seriously take as much time teaching her songs, the alphabet, dances or skits, shapes, etc. Of course I would put forth the effort to teach her things, as we continue to do even though she goes to daycare. But, her life at daycare is so structured. Everyday she has class time, and singing, and arts and crafts, and so on.

I cannot say that if I stayed home with her that I would do that. I see all these things around the house that I would also like to take the time to do. I want to stay home with Lucy; but, I also want to clean, and organize, and craft, and cook...in addition to the fun projects and activities I could do with Lucy. I'd love to grocery shop during the day (unheard of!), and visit museums, get involved with the community, and go on picnics. While working, it just doesn't seem that there is ever enough time... (insert pathetically depressed expression here).

I am once again on that fence of daycare being a very good thing; but, I sometimes wish I could stay home with her too. I have a feeling that when Olive arrives, it will be even worse.

I see how organized my life is at work and I imagine it like that at home - having a schedule, structured to-do list, meal planning, budgeting, weekly outings with Lucy, actually sending out birthday and anniversary cards on time...etc, etc, etc. Perhaps someday I can figure out the balance that I desire. As of now, I really put all of my organizational thoughts into work. By time I get home, I can't remember what my to-do list consisted of or I lost that note I shoved in my purse, or better yet, I simply don't have the energy anymore.

I am young and perhaps I will get there. I just have to keep trying. I know another child will only add to the mix. Then, we can throw in dieting and exercising too.

Someday...

13/14 Week Update

Wonder where I was? I was in Texas for work. I'm back now though and hopefully back on the ball! Here is the weekly update! :)


How far along?
I am just now 14 weeks; however, I was too busy to do week 13. So I'm mixing them.


Baby is the size of...
A lemon (according to BabyCenter.com); according to my bump, it's much larger... ;)

Symptoms:
The sleepiness is finally subsiding! Thank goodness. I no longer feel like passing out at 5 pm. I am still a little weaker than usual and tend to get light-headed when I move quickly. I have been trying to drink plenty of water and snack throughout the day to make it better. I have also been getting headaches a lot; but, I have been stressing out at work and I think the two may be related...

I am starting to feel the pulling, stretching, and the aching of a growing uterus/belly/baby. :) It is comforting sometimes, but mostly uncomfortable. I'll take it.

I was super rough on my body this past week, traveling. I was not getting enough sleep, eating fast food, lifting heavy bags, running through the airport, stressing about work...I just pray that it is still too early for all of that to make a big difference. I am now ready to rest for the next 26 weeks! :)

Anything new?
We got to hear the heartbeat last week! :) It was, like always, amazing. I simply cannot get enough of it. It brings the realization of a blessing and a miracle to reality. Heath and I are constantly asking each other, "Can you believe that we made a person? A human being?!" I look at Lucy and try to tell myself, "There is one of those in my stomach..." Weird! Crazy! Bizarre! Miraculous!

Dr. B did take quite a while to find the heartbeat, which scared me something awful. I just laid there and prayed that she would find it. It felt like forever! But, she found it and said it sounded great! :) I figure I have a lot more between the monitor and the baby this time...so, that was probably the issue. :)


The heartbeat is one of those pregnancy milestones that I yearn for. I can't wait for the ultrasound in April! Exciting things are on our horizon.

New with Heath?
I'll have to ask him. I don't think much. He is still overwhelmed from having to take care of Lucy alone for three days. Although, I think he got a lot of help from Aunt Honey...

He has been asking to see my stomach more. I think he is trying to convince himself that it is real. With the second one, you have less time to obsess over it. We are too busy trying to harness Lucy.

Lucy?
We took her to the doctor's appointment with us. It was a bit of a hassle; however, it was kind of neat to share it with her. Dr. B included Lucy a lot and told her that the thumping was the baby's heartbeat  - her baby brother or sister. Lucy just grimaced, in confusion.

I continue to tell her that she can't jump on me or sit on my stomach, because there is a baby in there. She is still confused and has started to pull up her own shirt and tell DayCare that she has a baby in her belly too.

We did the Lucy gender test this weekend though. Let me explain. :) When my friend was pregnant, we held up two baby dolls. One was a boy baby doll and the other was a girl. I asked Lucy to pick the baby that my friend was going to have. Lucy picked the boy. And, well, my friend had a beautiful baby boy about 4 months later! :)  So, this last weekend I did the same. She picked the girl doll...time will tell the accuracy of the Lucy gender test. :)

Anything else?
I recently had a dream about having the baby. It was a girl. I don't read much into those dreams though. With Lucy I kept having dreams about having a boy. And once, I had a dream that I had twin boys. So, my motherly intuition is pretty inaccurate. I was telling Heath about the dream though. We named the baby Audrey. Weird, huh? It's so weird, not because of the name itself; but, we have never once considered 'Audrey' as a baby name. Also, I don't even know where I got that! I don't know anyone named Audrey, at all. Perhaps I saw it on television?


Well, have a wonderful weekend all. Enjoy this beautiful weather. I sure wish I could sit down and relax with a Sonic, vanilla, diet coke, and a hot dog smothered in sauerkraut. :( Darn pregnancy diet...

She Works Hard for the Money

Too hard sometimes. :(

I am very often reminded at work, when I look at Lucy's pictures on my desk, that I only spend approximately four hours with Lucy every weekday.

How sad is that? Does it make you want to cry? Well, it does me sometimes...I am missing out on so many things! I could start naming off all of the wonderful things about DayCare (teaches social skills, independence, sharing, etc.). However, I could also name a few, sometimes selfish, reasons for her to be at home (bonding time, individual attention, consistent potty training, day trips, etc.).

Either way, it seems you can never win...(wahhh-wahhhmp).  That was my Debbie Downer sound, by the way.

I don't want to start a debate; because, obviously there are benefits to both. I just want to know if the grass sometimes appears greener on the other side to all of us. Full-time working moms: do you ever wish you could stay home with your child(ren)? Stay-at-home moms: do you ever wish you had a career and extra money?

Answers

I don't follow a whole lot of blogs. I like to follow people, I admit they are mostly women, who I find intriguing. And, I continue to search for other blogs that are similar to mine - following the path of crazy motherhood and family. Nonetheless, I often come across blog challenges, questions, conversation, and subjects to prompt posts. I feel sometimes that using them takes away from why I started blogging in the first place; but, then again, sometimes I just can't help it!

So, here it is: a post prompted by another blog's questions.

1. What would you pick to eat if you only had one meal left?

Heath and I were just talking about this yesterday! I think it would be chicken alfredo and garlic cheese bread, and creme brulee for dessert. :) Yum! Coming in at a very close second place is Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. I'm easy to please. I could seriously eat KM&C (that's an acronym I just made up.....take it....share it...) for every meal if it wouldn't end with me weighing 8oo lbs! Gotta love those carbs!

2. What quality is the most important to you in the opposite sex?

I always say a sense of humor; but, now that Heath and I have been together for so long, I recognize that 'communication' has kept us together. Yes, I 100% appreciate the goofy dancing and stupid phrases. We have a blast together and are very compatible. He isn't too bad on the eyes either. ;) However, that, alone, can't keep a relationship solid. It is the fact that Heath and I never go to sleep angry, never let an argument just 'disappear', and share our feelings that has equaled 10 years of fabulousness. :)

I hope that we can display a healthy relationship to Lucy. Communication is so important in all facets of life. Now, if everyone else could share their feelings openly and rationally, we could all get along just fine! :) Can you read the psychology major in me coming out?

3. If you could pick your birthday, when would you want it and why?

I don't think I have a specific day that I would want to change my birthday to. Now that I am older, my birthday has become very "unimportant." I may change the day, just because it is so close to Valentine's Day. When I was younger the elementary school Valentine's celebration and my birthday always got mixed. Now, Heath and my Valentine's dinner always gets doubled up with my birthday. Oh well, it isn't too big of a deal to me though.

4. What is your dream job?

Ha. Does anyone ever really know the answer to this question? There have been jobs that I thought I would love and when it came down to it, I didn't. So, who's to say? Unrealistically, I would love to be an actress or something else that would make me millions for working a minimal amount of time. Plus, professional hair and makeup sounds amazing! :) More realistically, or so I think, I would really love to teach in higher education. We'll see...I just want to be happy with what I do.

5. Biggest Pet Peeve?

Sometimes I ask myself how I became so anal. I have a slew of pet-peeves. They make me sound so up-tight. So, here they are: when people say "a hunerd" instead of "a hundred", when people use double negatives in a sentence (ex: "I didn't hurt nobody." "I never done nothing before."), when people cuss at their children, when people's jeans get caught on the tongue of their tennis shoes (some people do it on purpose - ugh!), when some one's eyebrow hairs are messed up, when people walk through my yard, and when I, myself, use improper grammar when speaking. I also hate when people drag their teeth on a fork; but, I think that is more of something that gives me the 'heebie-jeebies' more than anything else.

6. What show can you not miss?

My life sadly involves a lot of television. I am a sucker for a good movie and have grown to love the DVR more than most of my household items. This fall we've been watching: Biggest Loser, Teen Mom, 16 & Pregnant, Melissa and Joey, Hellcats, 2 1/2 Men, The Buried Life, Glee, Storm Chasers, and Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Soon, we will be watching: American Idol, Kendra, Pretty Little Liars, Greek, Huge, Secret Life of the American Teenager, Tosh.0, and 10 Things I Hate About You. And, okay, okay, I'll admit it I also watch Hannah Montana, Sonny with a Chance, and Jonas, L.A. Some would say that was a pretty awful group of shows; to them I say..........well, I've got nothing.......just watch it before you knock it! :)

Occasionally my husband makes me watch Blue Mountain State (is that what it's called?), South Park, The Office, Mythbusters, Jersey Shore, and that R.J. Berger show on MTV.

Well, that is all for now. I hope this gives you a little more insight to my life and more specifically, my mind. Every time I say, or type rather, something ridiculous I can't help but to think, "Oh, Lucy, you have some pretty silly parents! I hope you aren't too embarrassed by us when you're older!"

Update

Holy hiatus! I have been working my tail off lately. Those of you who know what I do for a living, know that this time of year is crazy. I get home from work and can barely muster up enough energy to make supper. Ugh. Well, that is all I care to discuss about that subject. Let’s talk about something fun!
I just have so many thoughts; I don’t know where to start. I guess I will go with my Irish twin spotting. Yep! I spotted some. Haha. I know I make it sound like I saw a leprechaun or something. Seriously though, it took me by surprise and Heath as well. And here, I had just learned the term. I spotted them while I was getting a pedicure/manicure.

Side note: I usually just get manicures, because I am a compulsive nail biter. It’s a gross, horrible habit. However, on this occasion, I was able to get another pedicure before summer ends. Why you say? Heath and I made a deal. Usually, whoever notices or is holding Lucy when she stinks-up her diaper, has to change it. One night Heath, while holding Lucy, decides that she stunk just too bad and strongly suggested that I change her. A bit of bickering led to me asking, “What do I get, if I do?”
“A pedicure,” Heath said with flaring nostrils.

“Deal.” I really don’t mind changing her that bad. I was bickering over principle. So, I got my pedicure!

Anyway, back to the story. Here I was in the nail salon enjoying some good leg, ankle, and sole rubbing when a woman walks in the door. She couldn’t have been much over 30 years old. She had a young girl with her, perhaps 4 years old. She was also carrying a backward facing, car seat. This indicates to me that the baby girl inside couldn’t have been much over 1 year old. Also, the woman was pretty pregnant. I would have guessed about 6 months.

I’m quickly doing the math. Let’s say that baby is 12 months old, that means she conceived when that baby was about 6 months old - wow. Exactly what I was discussing…crazy!

I watched as she and her older daughter got a pedicure. The woman was unexpectedly happy (to me anyway), while being that pregnant and trying to keep track of two young children in a nail salon. I of course eavesdropped on her conversation with an older woman sitting next to her.

“When are you due?” the elderly woman asked.

“In two weeks,” she said with a smile.

Two weeks? My first thought was, “Oh jeez, I was her size when I was 6 months pregnant. She would have made me look like a blimp!” Second thought, she must have conceived that baby very quickly. Yet, here she was, so calm, collected.

I couldn’t help but think that I, in that situation, would have said something like, “Yeah, I know, we just keep churnin’ them out.” Or, perhaps, “My husband and I just can’t keep our hands off each other…haha.” Something to explain this mishap! But, once again, only a mishap in my life – perhaps this woman planned it. (Some head shaking going on right now, on my part. It’s crazy!)

Anyway, that was my spotting. She was having a little boy, by the way. I was happy for her. She had two girls already. She was surprisingly forthcoming about the name too – Beckett. It’s pretty cute. The old woman wasn’t too impressed; I could tell. It got really awkward for a second. I felt awkward and I wasn’t even part of the conversation! I hate when that happens.

Otherwise, besides getting pampered, my little family has been looking very much forward to cooler weather. We can’t wait to open up the house!

Mommy Works to Buy You Toys

I was visiting Lucy again yesterday during my lunch break. I was running a little earlier than usual and caught the children at lunch time. So, I nabbed Lucy, and her bottle, and headed for a rocking chair. While I was walking out of the kitchen, I heard a young boy, perhaps 2 or 3 years old, ask, “Where is she going?” The Daycare provider said, “That’s Lucy’s mommy.” I immediately smiled. I really never get sick of hearing that. It still hasn’t quite sunken in; but, yes, I am Lucy’s mommy. :)

Anyway, being reminded that he too had a mommy, the little boy became upset and started a whining mantra, “Mommy, mommy, mommy…I want my mommy.” The provider said, “Your mommy is at work.” This of course triggered the inevitable question: “Why?”

“Do you like toys?” she asked him.

The boy was probably thrown by this question. It didn’t really make sense when he was just talking about his mom and not toys, but he mumbled out a “yeah.”

“Well, your mommy works, so she can buy you toys.”

Hmmmmm…….I just sat in the rocking chair with Lucy and thought. I’ve often asked myself what I would answer to that very same question, when Lucy asks it. “Why do you have to work? Why can’t you stay with me?” There is no doubt that my heart will break when that day comes. When I tell her my reasons, will they be good enough? Or, will she grow up thinking, ‘my mom chose buying toys over me’? I don’t want her to ever think that money is more important than family.

So, I have started a mission. I am going to find a children’s book that discusses Daycare and what it is like to have parents who work full-time. I want it to help explain to Lucy. Also, the book would be something we could read often; it would help reiterate that although we work, we love her very much.

Anyone know of such a book? If not, I’ll write one myself – haha. I will just use clipart and print some pages to staple together. For longevity though, I need a hardcover. Any help is welcome!

I am not sure how children perceive these types of things or if they even give it much thought at all – besides the 10 minutes after mom drops them off. I grew up spending every day with my mom until I went to school; so, I am at a loss........

Strike a Pose

I was recently asked to…wait for it…be on the cover of a textbook! Yes, I truly was. An instructor that I had in college asked if I would supply him with a picture of me and Lucy for his newest book. At first, I didn’t really take him too seriously. Yeah, the cover of a book- ha. But, after more discussion, I realized that he might actually be serious. I apparently look like a “typical mother in my age group” and Lucy is “a beautiful baby.” :) I like the beautiful baby part, but not so much the typical mother part. All I can do is picture mom jeans and a minivan – both, I do not have!

My sister is a photographer, so it was soon planned that my sister would take photos and I would give them to him. He is a psychology instructor and wrote the book on the Attachment Theory. In the photo, Lucy and I would display that special bond between a mother and her baby. All is well that ends well.

It sounds easy enough right? I mean, a picture is worth a million words. Surely, getting a picture to say, “the baby (Lucy) has created a relationship with her mother (me) and will more than likely develop normally, emotionally and socially,” should be pretty easy. Whew, alright so maybe we had our work cut out for us.

“Act natural,” people would tell me. Uh-huh. I doubt they want a picture of me wearing my husband’s boxer shorts, an over-sized ‘Hard Rock Café’ t-shirt, with my hair in a questionable – at best – pony tail, holding Lucy in her gilder. Better yet, let’s just get me doing some middle-of-the-night feedings in a large t-shirt and my undies. It will be the most ‘unstaged’ photo you could ever get!

After deciding that I was in fact NOT going to act natural, we ventured to the lake in town. There were a few fishermen to work around, but no big deal. We took several pictures, trying to get the lake in the background. Lucy continually looked at the water, conveniently located away from the camera. Basically, everything was more interesting to look at than mommy – oh a bug, oh water, oh a car started, hey there is a guy over there, my fist sure tastes great…. This went on the whole time.

Thank goodness my sister is tremendously talented and snaps photos like lightning. We ended up with some pretty great shots. It became more about pictures for Lucy and me to cherish years to come and less about the book. Some will remind me how I felt at that very moment. It was sweet and, at times, hilarious. Lucy drooled, giggled, and drooled some more.

Although not a natural setting or natural clothing for sure, we ended up capturing that bond perfectly. It is very obvious how much love I have for that little, bundle of wonderfulness. So, here are some of the photos. Enjoy! As far as Lucy developing normally – it’s in the bag! Haha. :)

*Note: not all the pictures were of me lying down; they just happened to be the ones that worked best.

Rolling, Rolling, Rolling

I am not quite sure what double-blogging is, but this may very well be an example of it. Oh well, I am not really a typical blogger and who sets up these rules anyway?

Alright, I’m not going to ‘hem-haw’ around anymore. I am just going to lay it out there. Lucy rolled over for the first time and I missed it. Did you read that? Lucy rolled over for the first time and I missed it!

I think that I would have handled it a little better, if, say, Heath would have been the first witness. But, Daycare? I’m so sad. I feel like…yeah I’ll say it, the last kid picked in dodge ball. Even worse – when they finally got around to picking me they flat out said, “You can’t play with us.” I feel so left out. Yes, yes, I can hear the teeny tiny violin playing a song just for me. But, I felt like this was her first real big milestone.

I walk into daycare today and they say to me, “I set Lucy on her tummy for just a second and she rolled right over.” I was excited and overwhelmingly proud…but, but,…Heath did you hear that? He, too, shared in the excitement and proud pats on her tummy (which was protruding over her lacey, melon-colored shorts). I wondered if he felt like I did. The only word I can think of is: sad. I am just sad about it. Disappointed? Not really, not in Lucy anyway. Depressed? Kind of, but I’m not going to go cry in a corner or anything. Regretful? Maybe.

Once Heath left, our Daycare provider and I tried to recreate the moment that I had missed out on. Lucy hated it though. She kept looking at me like, “What is this? You hold me, remember?” When I saw one little tear roll down her nose, I had to pick her up.

Guilty? Yep, I also feel that. I already leave her for eight hours every day. I miss out on eight hours of her life every day. Now I have to feel bad about this too. Someone once told me, "It isn’t the quantity of time you spend with your children, but rather, the quality." That’s some pretty good advice. Hopefully my feelings about it will carry through the next 6 years, until Lucy goes to school – then, with the next child and the next. Until then, I will have to repeat my newly created mantra, “I will see her roll over eventually. I will see her roll over eventually. Rolling, rolling, rolling.”