I literally closed my browser, with my work page staring me
in the face, to open this page. I have a table full of Christmas decorations
that need to be packed, just over my left shoulder. But, as I spend the late morning
sorting and folding laundry, wiping down counters, and doing dishes, I have
been in my head a lot. When that happens, I am inspired to pour thoughts out,
and here is where I do so.
I have been absent lately, and I have decided to not
apologize for it. I write this for me. If I start to put these arbitrary
deadlines of when “I need to post a blog,” then I will be forcing thoughts and
ideas. I want this to be for my enjoyment, and for my expression. I want it to
be a stress-free place and experience.
All that being said, I have
been extremely busy with the holidays. And, Heath took some time off to be home
with me and the kids. So, I actually had someone to talk to about complex
things…basically, someone to talk to that was over the age of eight. That
certainly does take away some motivation to write. But, mostly, any time I had
something on my heart, I felt like I would have to tip-toe around the
subject. It’s not like I wanted to vent
about politics (eye-roll!), abortion, or capital punishment – things that are actually controversial. I wanted to talk
about everyday things. Yet, judgement still comes…
I wanted to talk about my anxiety medication. I wanted to
talk about my insecurities as a mother. My insecurities with my looks and
aging. I want to talk about how marriage is both extremely easy and extremely
hard. My pets. Our home renovations. Stay-at-home mothers. Working mothers.
Etc.
But, every time I had thoughts racing through my head, I
would decide not to post it here. I thought to myself, “I can only talk like
that to my good friends and family. I can only say those things to people who
won’t judge me – people who won’t twist my words and take them out of context.”
I hate that every single time that I write about something, I have to remind
everyone that I have “first-world problems” and that I realize how incredibly
blessed I am. I know that there are millions upon millions who have it worse
than me; I am not naïve or uneducated. But, does that belittle my daily struggles?
While someone might find the things that take over my mind to be stupid or
unwarranted, it doesn’t mean that they don’t affect me. These are things that
mean something to me.
I am not saying that everyone is judgmental. Although, I
think that everyone is; some people just decide to share it with the world,
while others decide to push those thoughts aside. If you are here and you catch
yourself identifying with me at all – thank you. There is so much comfort in
knowing that you are not alone in your struggles, even though you know that sometimes they are stupid, and
superficial, and not worthy of your time.
It just feels like there is always at least one person. One person who has
a nasty thought, not worth saying, and decides that they need to share it with
the world. Thankfully, I haven’t had anyone make a comment like that to me yet,
on this newer blog. Nevertheless, it feels impending.
Truth is…I am an insanely judgmental person. So, I know it
exists and I am quite good at running through all of the horrible scenarios in
my head, of what people might say. However, I have truly tried to take steps to
be more positive and caring. I do believe that it is something that you have to
work at and make a conscious decision about. I hope that those around me notice
that I have tried in the years past, and I am a much happier person because of
it. Sadly, a nasty comment still escapes my mouth from time to time. All of you
should find comfort in knowing that with my anxiety, I obsess over the comment for
days at a time, even weeks. And, whenever a memory is sparked, I still think
about things I said almost 20 years ago and die a little. But, I am working on
it and so can everyone.
Therefore, this is my disclaimer.
If you are anti-medication…
If you hate listening to people talk about negative body
image…
If you don’t completely flip out on your children and then
lie in bed at night crying about how you are screwing them up…
If you think that stay-at-home mothers are lazy…
If you think that doing a home renovation, while trying to
raise three children is taking on too much…
If you think I’m too whiny and complainy…
If you think I am at all being dishonest or putting on a
show for the internet…
If you think I am just seeking attention…
If you think that I am making poor decisions as a mom…
If you think that I am not seriously trying, I mean really
trying…
Then, close this page. I don’t want or need those kinds of
attitudes here. Negative people drain me, and bring out the worst in me. I hate
it and always feel like garbage after being around them.
I expect to get a lot of reactions similar to, “Who cares
what other people think?! Just write and screw everyone else.”
While those are not untrue statements, I think we all know
it isn’t that easy. I am about 50% “I care what others think” and about 50% “IDGAF,”
and, as we all know, 100% anxious about both emotions.
In summation, I am gonna open up my brain and let things
flow. I don’t want to preface every single post with how neurotic I am, and
state that I am aware of my privileges and blessings. I know. Seriously, I do.
But, I still have stress and sadness, and very obviously, several insecurities.
I believe that many others share in my feelings. I think it is okay to talk about
it. To some people, it may seem silly; but, to others, it feels like the weight
of the world. We are never alone in our thoughts. Not one single person is
alone with their thoughts; I promise you, there are others thinking the same
way – no matter how ridiculous or neurotic, or even terrible, those thoughts
are.
Take care, and I hope to post again soon.
