Then, I’ll Feel Pretty.

I specifically remember being in junior high, looking in the mirror and thinking, “After I get my braces off, then I’ll feel pretty.” 

I got them off and felt like a million bucks. Soon, I shifted my thoughts though…My body was alright and all; but, I didn’t have abs. I believed, “If I could just do a bunch of sit-ups each day, then I’ll feel pretty.”

As a young teenager, I felt comfortable enough with myself to not obsess over my insecurities. I didn’t hide in the locker room, or shy away from situations where I was the center of attention. But, I still felt like I could look better. I wasn’t like the models on TV or in magazines. And, I wasn’t “as skinny” as so-and-so was…

Senior year, butt dimples appeared. I was crushed. At 18, I started hiding behind clothes in the locker room and I became very insecure about my increasing weight. I’d let go of this idea of abs. Now, if only I could have a toned butt, then I would feel pretty.

It was that summer after senior year that I caught a glimpse of the back of my legs in a mirror. And, I was sick to see…hail damage – as I’ve heard it so offensively called. My hamstrings were not toned “enough,” and I swore that I wouldn’t wear shorts again, until I “fixed it.” Once I toned my legs, I would feel pretty.

The freshman 15 in college showed up, and then perhaps 15 more…

I cried and cried to Heath about my insecurities. If I could just lose the weight again, then I would feel pretty.

At 20, I started weight watchers. I lost the weight. I felt great. But, those love handles… My body profile was just so thick. I needed a tiny waist. If I could manage to lose just a few more pounds, then I would feel pretty.

The next few years, I tanned in tanning beds. I dyed my hair. I got mani/pedis. I bought new clothes. But, I would still obsess over what to wear, to hide my thick middle area. And, that’s when my “bat wings” showed up. When I waved, my arm skin would jiggle. I swore off tank-tops. 

Then, I got pregnant. All of a sudden, those silly insecurities flew out the window. They were laughable, actually. The next two years would be the hardest for me to ever endure in regard to my own body image. I gained a lot of weight – 54 lbs actually. And, I was not blessed with a forgiving body at that. I got stretch marks in places I didn’t even know one could get stretch marks. Maybe more water would have helped; but, my doctor assured me that it is mostly a genetic thing. Awesome. Sorry, Lucy and Olive…

Accepting this new me, which could never be changed back was difficult. I held on to the idea for so long that I was somewhat in control of my looks. Just some hard work could make it better, if I became motivated enough to do it. But, stretch marks? Well, hello there! Welcome to my life, we’re gonna be together for…ev…er. 

At 24, I lost the weight and was very close to my pre-pregnancy weight. But, my body was not the same. This was the time when I wished I had worn the shorts, worn the tank tops, felt comfortable in the body that I look back on now with appreciation…and sadness…

As I aged, and more babies came alone, I thought that weight loss, and clear skin, and better hair, and tan skin, and wrinkle cream, could all make me feel pretty. If only I could fix this or that, I’d feel pretty…

Now, these may sound like the ramblings of someone who suffers from body image issues. Truth is, I don’t. Yes, I go through at least ten outfits any time I’m going out. Yes, I watch makeup tutorials on YouTube, and died a little when I had to search for “makeup tutorial for under-eye wrinkles.” Yes, I dye my hair. Yes, I sometimes stare in the mirror for ten to fifteen minutes before jumping into the shower, just assessing what I got going on. And, yes, I watch Botched on E! and wonder what Dr. Dubrow would do to “fix me up.” 

But, it isn’t an unhealthy obsession for me. I truly believe that my feelings are not uncommon. I may be vainer than some, but I am also less vain than some. Nevertheless, I think to some level many people feel this. For moms, I feel like it is much more amplified. Perhaps I’ll go into that another time…

This past summer, I certainly spent too much time focusing on my body image issues. After being put on an anxiety medication, I started to gain weight very quickly. I have always eaten like garbage for the most part, but am pretty good at maintaining. It was all that baby weight following me around. This time though, on this medication, was the first time I gained uncontrollably. It was the middle of bathing suit weather and I was carrying around much more weight than my clothes or I were used to. Then, out of nowhere, I started to get marks on my face that may or may not have been perioral dermatitis (a form of eczema). It was summer! And, here I was packing on layers of clothing and makeup. I was supposed to be in shorts and tank tops, with no makeup. It was a low for me.

Soon, I got my hair dyed a new color and got a new cut. And, my doctor gave me some medicine to clear up my face disease. I was feeling better. One day, as the kids sat in the bathtub, I studied myself in the mirror. I thought to myself, “Now, if only I could lose this weight, I would feel pretty. I would feel content. Yes, I’m old. But, this weight is really what is dragging me down.”

And, I realized - It is always something.

I think back to my 18 year old self not wearing shorts and I want to shake that girl! Or, the girl who wouldn’t wear tank-tops. Or, the girl who thought she needed abs to feel confident. I can’t even put into words the disappointment I have with her – my past self. 

As I age, I am getting better and better at these things. I think about them less, and I rely on my personality to state my worth. It is hard though, because I still want to look nice. I still want people to think I’m pretty, as well as nice, fun, kind, humorous, etc. But, it’s amazing how age, and kids, relist your priorities in so many ways. I just didn’t expect my own insecurities to be among of them. 

As I gain some sort of wisdom from aging, I keep telling myself. It’s always something. I need to remember that young girl with the metal smile, the girl hiding in the locker room, and the girl layering clothing. Remember how silly she was! And, I know that when I’m 60 (God willing), I’ll look back at this 32 year old and think, “Damn, girl! You were foine!” ;)

While I am still insecure, I am okay with it. It is a part of my life. More than ever before, I can shrug off my insecurities. Yes – I still have random break-downs, where “I have absolutely nothing to wear!” and times when I call myself fat or chubby. But, I don’t find it messing with my happiness, and I don’t let it keep me from being me (most of the time). 

It’s always something…so, I might as well enjoy what I have, while I have it.

Disclaimer of an Insecure Person

I literally closed my browser, with my work page staring me in the face, to open this page. I have a table full of Christmas decorations that need to be packed, just over my left shoulder. But, as I spend the late morning sorting and folding laundry, wiping down counters, and doing dishes, I have been in my head a lot. When that happens, I am inspired to pour thoughts out, and here is where I do so. 

I have been absent lately, and I have decided to not apologize for it. I write this for me. If I start to put these arbitrary deadlines of when “I need to post a blog,” then I will be forcing thoughts and ideas. I want this to be for my enjoyment, and for my expression. I want it to be a stress-free place and experience. 

All that being said, I have been extremely busy with the holidays. And, Heath took some time off to be home with me and the kids. So, I actually had someone to talk to about complex things…basically, someone to talk to that was over the age of eight. That certainly does take away some motivation to write. But, mostly, any time I had something on my heart, I felt like I would have to tip-toe around the subject.  It’s not like I wanted to vent about politics (eye-roll!), abortion, or capital punishment – things that are actually controversial. I wanted to talk about everyday things. Yet, judgement still comes…

I wanted to talk about my anxiety medication. I wanted to talk about my insecurities as a mother. My insecurities with my looks and aging. I want to talk about how marriage is both extremely easy and extremely hard. My pets. Our home renovations. Stay-at-home mothers. Working mothers. Etc.

But, every time I had thoughts racing through my head, I would decide not to post it here. I thought to myself, “I can only talk like that to my good friends and family. I can only say those things to people who won’t judge me – people who won’t twist my words and take them out of context.” I hate that every single time that I write about something, I have to remind everyone that I have “first-world problems” and that I realize how incredibly blessed I am. I know that there are millions upon millions who have it worse than me; I am not naïve or uneducated. But, does that belittle my daily struggles? While someone might find the things that take over my mind to be stupid or unwarranted, it doesn’t mean that they don’t affect me. These are things that mean something to me.

I am not saying that everyone is judgmental. Although, I think that everyone is; some people just decide to share it with the world, while others decide to push those thoughts aside. If you are here and you catch yourself identifying with me at all – thank you. There is so much comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your struggles, even though you know that sometimes they are stupid, and superficial, and not worthy of your time. It just feels like there is always at least one person. One person who has a nasty thought, not worth saying, and decides that they need to share it with the world. Thankfully, I haven’t had anyone make a comment like that to me yet, on this newer blog. Nevertheless, it feels impending.

Truth is…I am an insanely judgmental person. So, I know it exists and I am quite good at running through all of the horrible scenarios in my head, of what people might say. However, I have truly tried to take steps to be more positive and caring. I do believe that it is something that you have to work at and make a conscious decision about. I hope that those around me notice that I have tried in the years past, and I am a much happier person because of it. Sadly, a nasty comment still escapes my mouth from time to time. All of you should find comfort in knowing that with my anxiety, I obsess over the comment for days at a time, even weeks. And, whenever a memory is sparked, I still think about things I said almost 20 years ago and die a little. But, I am working on it and so can everyone.

Therefore, this is my disclaimer. 

If you are anti-medication…

If you hate listening to people talk about negative body image…

If you don’t completely flip out on your children and then lie in bed at night crying about how you are screwing them up…

If you think that stay-at-home mothers are lazy…

If you think that doing a home renovation, while trying to raise three children is taking on too much…

If you think I’m too whiny and complainy…

If you think I am at all being dishonest or putting on a show for the internet…

If you think I am just seeking attention…

If you think that I am making poor decisions as a mom…

If you think that I am not seriously trying, I mean really trying…

Then, close this page. I don’t want or need those kinds of attitudes here. Negative people drain me, and bring out the worst in me. I hate it and always feel like garbage after being around them. 

I expect to get a lot of reactions similar to, “Who cares what other people think?! Just write and screw everyone else.”

While those are not untrue statements, I think we all know it isn’t that easy. I am about 50% “I care what others think” and about 50% “IDGAF,” and, as we all know, 100% anxious about both emotions.

In summation, I am gonna open up my brain and let things flow. I don’t want to preface every single post with how neurotic I am, and state that I am aware of my privileges and blessings. I know. Seriously, I do. But, I still have stress and sadness, and very obviously, several insecurities. I believe that many others share in my feelings. I think it is okay to talk about it. To some people, it may seem silly; but, to others, it feels like the weight of the world. We are never alone in our thoughts. Not one single person is alone with their thoughts; I promise you, there are others thinking the same way – no matter how ridiculous or neurotic, or even terrible, those thoughts are. 

Take care, and I hope to post again soon.

Weight Loss Journey 3

Yes. I am on a weight loss journey again. This is my third. Apparently when life throws big changes my way, I gain lots of weight. But, I think baby weight is to be expected. I am just an overachiever and gain 50+ lbs.

My weight loss with Lucy seems like so long ago that I can't remember how long it really took. I know that I was back within 5 lbs in 10 months. So, what can I expect at almost 7 months post Olive? I feel, overall, that I am doing pretty good. I am 4 lbs away from being at my pre-Olive weight. I am 14 lbs away from my pre-Lucy. Darn it. I will get there and stay there someday.

What have I been doing? Mostly I've been calorie counting. It is working and making me lose between a pound and two pounds a week, depending on how much I cheat. Cheating usually involves a night out to eat, where I can't keep my hands off of the salsa and chips, or daiquiris, or Cool Ranch Dorito taco. Mmm...

I have also worked out a little, not as much as I would like. It is very difficult with the girls. I would like to work out after they go to sleep, but it is dark at that time. This summer will be nice. It also isn't warm enough yet to take them out with the jogging stroller. I did a couple of weeks ago, when it was warmer. Remember that? Two days? Oh well, it was amazing. They loved it and I did too, even though I about died! 

I have been stalling lately. So, I've been doing a lot of research on how to boost metabolism and what stalls weight loss, etc. But, I thought the ultimate motivation would be....accountability. It has always been a great motivator for me. My cousin, Hannah, did that already by setting me up on HealthRally: Cori vs. Baby Weight. It allows me to update my few followers on my progress. It puts a percentage to it as well, which helps when I can see the percentage of completion growing.

Heath has also motivated me with the promise of a shopping spree. :)

Finally, I am very, very motivated by a trip to Vegas. This trip will be taken on May 1st - 5 weeks and two days. I have to get in better shape before then! I would ideally get to my goal weight and have the shopping spree before then, or while in Vegas. That would be amazing. So, I am trying really, really hard.

Want to see how far I've come? Of course you do. Everyone loves before and afters! (I may or may not have taken some very formal before photos. I will have to show you those when I reach my goal.)

I know these aren't as good as posed, premeditated photos. That is why some day I might show you the other ones I took. Perhaps I won't be as embarrassed about them when I get to my goal.

I swear my face was chubbier after I had Olive than when I was pregnant!

 I miss my thick hair though... My top-knot used to be so big and thick. Sad, sad, sad.

To wrap this post all up, I hope you guys don't mind me sharing some of my battle with weight in the next couple of weeks. I feel like it is an important part of being a mommy. I think most mommas deal with getting back to "normal" after baby - if in no other way but weight.

Wish me luck! Oh, and I signed up for a 5K at the end of May. I HAVE to take training more seriously! I am gonna die..

Dear...

Dear Readers...I promise, I will totally get back into the hang of things here pretty soon. Tell my hubby that I need a netbook, or a keyboard for the girls' ipad, or something of the sort. :)

Dear Lucy...you have to do nothing more in the mornings than to just look at me, to brighten my day. Your bed-head is enough to make me smile.

Dear Winter...where is the snow? I work at an educational institution. Therefore, you are to give me at least one snow day a year. Is that too much to ask? Come on Jack Frost! Help me out!

Dear Chico...sorry, bud. Olive isn't eating solids yet. It's going to be a while before food gets thrown from the highchair. 

Dear 2012...thank you so much for giving me my second baby girl; but, seriously, you could have kept that extra 30 lbs. (I miss warm, chocolate-chip cookies straight from the oven. Mmmm...)

Dear Lucy...I love that you throw yourself up against the wall, when I ask you to pose for a picture - so, so dramatic.


Dear Doctors and Nurses...thank you. Thank the Lord that someone around here doesn't mind blood, or other bodily functions, and isn't a creeper at the same time.


Dear Walmart...although it appears that you are taking all of our money...

 

every time I price match and use coupons, I feel like I gain a little bit back. Muah-ha-ha.

 

Yes. That is $300. I am that crazy lady at Walmart who should really be using two carts. However, I usually only make one trip a month! And, diapers and formula are expensive...bah...

Dear Christmas stuff that still isn't put away...I love you; I promise. I'm just lazy...er...I mean sidetracked...and haven't put you away yet. It's nothing personal.

Dear Lucy...you think Olive doesn't sit still? You should try doing your hair!

Dear Hunny...I sure do love you.

Have a wonderful weekend, all! :)

Mental Preparation for Post-Pregnancy

When I think of having Olive, I think about the pain of labor for about a second. I guess it is so completely inevitable that I just try to shrug it off. When you get an epidural, you only really have to experience the really bad pain for about 3 hours, or I did anyway. If my labor would have started during the day, then it probably would have been sooner, but poor Denise had to get up at 2 am to come give me the epidural. Thank goodness for her! :)

Anyway, I've prepped for the pain as much as possible and my mind is strictly set on seeing that little girl's face! :) I can't wait! :) The love overwhelms me. I am just so excited to see her and add another member to our family. Ahh.....you know, happy baby thoughts.

What I am not doing, is properly preparing myself for the rest of it. Rest of it, you ask? I've said it before and I'll say it again, I was not at all prepared for the post-partum thing with Lucy. Not at all! I, again, had my sights set on the fun, happy, excited parts. So, when I read a blog post about what it is really like after baby a couple of months ago, I laughed pretty hard (you can read it too, here).

The one thing that I laughed the hardest at was at #7:

"7. You might hate your husband...nature takes care of you not conceiving right after giving birth by making you want to punch in [your husband's] face every time you see him. Again, it's probably hormone related. Again, this isn't always the case but I'm just warning you that you might stare at his peaceful sleeping face at 2am and wonder what the hell the point of him is and how can that son of a bitch just lie there sleeping like that while you try to get your baby to sleep for the umpteenth time. You're not alone and a jury full of mothers with newborns wouldn't convict you if you bludgeoned him to death with a breast pump. That said, he may be worth keeping around so take a deep breath and ignore the urge......for now."

The main reason I laugh is because I SO felt this. The second reason I laugh is more of a "HA!" As in, "HA, I'm not the only one." I have said this to Heath and to others before. I seriously used to sit next to Heath in bed, with Lucy in my arms, and glare, just burning hate into his soul while he slept. haha. I seriously just freakin' hated him at those moments. I know that it was the hormones, jealousy, and lack of sleep that was to blame. Plus, I had no idea what to expect.

I shared this blog above with Heath and he just didn't find it as funny as I did. But, I am hoping some other mother out there understands and empathizes with me.

The blog covers some other things that I didn't prepare for either. Not to copy her, but I thought I would share a bit of my own experiences. Warning, I am not looking for any kind of advice about the following things. With my current hormones, I might just flip out on anyone who gives me advice...nothing personal...just super touchy lately. I have been starting to think about post-partum and desperately trying to mentally prepare, so the shock isn't so great this time.

First of all, I loathe anyone who says to pack your normal clothes in your hospital bag, because you can just pop right back into your old jeans. After Lucy, I had lost a good 17 lbs almost right away. But, I was far from getting back into normal clothes. Adjusting to the my newly, marked-up, plump, baby-less body was tough for me. I had never been that big before; it seemed a lot more acceptable and easy to deal with when I was pregnant. After, it was just me...and a lot more of me!

TMI WARNING: The leaking and bleeding! Ugh! I knew that it would be like having a week to two-week menstrual cycle, but come on! Between the giant pads, which I never wear usually, and the breast pads, I felt "dirty" all the time. When my milk came in, I had to change my breast pads almost every hour and a half! I would wake up to a soaked bed, bra, and shirt. I had to sleep on towels!

No sleep. Duh, right? Everyone should expect no sleep; it would have been ignorant and naive to not think that. But, the toll that no sleep has on people is what I didn't expect. It is the grumpiness and the biting off Heath's head part. I would yell at him for no reason, know that it was wrong, but, be too exhausted to correct myself. So, Heath - I apologize for my future outbursts. I really do love you and appreciate you. I just want some friggin' sleep!

The immediate pain following birth. I had, for some crazy reason, convinced myself that the epidural would take all pain away...apparently forever. I didn't think about the pain after the magic drugs wore off. I was surprised at how sore I was after and especially in the nether region. I know that you are thinking that I was super naive to think I was going to push an 8+ lb baby out of a small exit and feel great an hour later. But, I seriously didn't think about it. I thought up until seeing Lucy and not much further...This time, I am prepared to be asking for the Tylenol with Codeine. Bring it on before the epidural wears off and I have to wear a frozen pad!

The frozen pads are amazing by the way. The hospital would pour tea on pads, then freeze them. The cold felt awesome and the tea makes the swelling go down. Awesome. With Lucy, I grabbed one for the road. haha.

Now that I have sufficiently abandoned all of my male, family readers, I should probably go. My mind is still fluttering with excited thoughts of meeting Olive for the first time. It is an amazing experience. I thought I simply needed a small reality check on this anxious afternoon.

Wanna scare any teenage girls out of having sex? Tell them about this stuff. They don't talk about it on '16 & Pregnant.'

Wish me luck, and seriously please will me to go into labor soon. I am going crazy over here!