I'm Trying...Very Trying

I am currently in the process of reading Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis. I’ve been reading it for a few months now. 

A few months?

 

Yes, it has been a slow process. It isn’t because I haven’t enjoyed the book. In fact, there were times when I didn’t want to put it down.  But, I have been reading it with a group of women that I meet with weekly. I call them my “women’s group.” 

(I am very creative with names, obviously.) 

It is a small group of young, Christian mothers, who are wanting to…well….do better – in life, as a wife, as a mother, and in the eyes of Christ. We want to feel like our paths have purpose and bring us closer to God. 

This group started when we were presented with the book and study guide for The Purpose Driven Life… As a mom, you sometimes lose sight of yourself, and wonder what your purpose is.

Is it possible that being the mother to Lucy, Olive, and Henry is what I was meant for? Am I supposed to be doing something bigger? More grandeur?  

All questions that can sometimes be daunting during my late night, anxiety-driven talks with God. So, one of my friends decided to start this group, asking other women who attend our church to join. We started reading the book and meeting once a week to discuss the study guide questions. Since then, we have moved from book to book, reading and discussing, while finding imperative support in one-another. I absolutely love that group of ladies and I don’t ever want our “women’s group” to end.

With that being said, we recently decided to read Girl, Wash Your Face. While it isn’t necessarily a Christian book, we felt like it would align with our stages in life right now. We found a study guide online and dove in, just before the holidays. As you can imagine, with the holidays, we didn’t meet as regularly. Then, sickness hit, and our meetings have been spottier and spottier. It happened last year at this time and it will happen again next year.  

We started with one chapter a week. Then, we began to double-up. With so many cancelled meetings, I have truly just lost track of the chapters. I have no clue what one we are supposed to be on for our next meeting (when we can all actually make it!). I am considering just finishing the book, to be prepped whenever we meet again. But, there is another reason I am trying not to read ahead.

You see, I think a lot. I am completely fascinated by people, by society, and why we do what we do. I can barely observe anything, or read or hear about anything without immediately trying to dissect the motives, perspectives, effects, etc. It’s a curse, perhaps. And, as I read Rachel’s words, I have so much to say! I have so much to ask, discuss, add to, or even challenge. I think of how I can incorporate her tips, and add my own “things that worked for me.”

When I prepare to write a blog, right after reading her book, my thoughts get clouded and the thoughts that she has provoked creep in. And, I don’t ever want what I put out into the world to mimic or reiterate what someone else has already done. I want to make sure my thoughts are my own, and inspired by my own continual yearning to “do better.”

And…….wasn’t that a long-winded way of getting to my point?

Because, that is my point…I think. 

Rachel Hollis, and about a zillion other authors, have made thousands of dollars on writing books that inspire us or teach us to “do better.” While Rachel makes us feel positive about our efforts, she provides us all with ways to improve certain aspects of our life – tips that require effort. Tips that require trying.

This is a concept that I am still getting used to, believe it or not.

For years, I have expected to have certain things in my life come easily. And, while there are certainly ebbs and flows, most things are difficult at some point. Relationships, jobs, parenting, time-management, cooking, confidence, health, and so on. All things, including Rachel’s tips, need work and require a lot of “trying” on our part.

My last post was about parenting, and that if I just keep trying to do better, then I will be happy with that. And today, as I was driving, I was thinking about marriage.

Sometimes, I get so upset with Heath when he brings up something that he is bothered by, no matter how major or minuscule it is. I will make a suggestion to Heath about something, like, “Hey! Don’t put your cup there. It drives me nuts.”

Very subtle.

Then, he generally apologizes and we move on. But, when Heath make a suggestion to me, like, “Don’t pull so far forward in the garage”…well, I don’t always handle it the best.

And, when Heath makes a suggestion that is even more than just making a conscious effort to park better, like asking me to sit by him to watch a movie or give him more affection, I really don’t handle it well.

(Side note: I am not a very “touchy person;” it’s a work in progress. And, I realize it is likely a character flaw.)

Heath makes very warranted, and by most standards easy, requests. But, for some reason, I get irritated.

As I watched the yellow dashes of the highway quickly disappear beside the car, I came to a conclusion. I get mad because, I know he is right and I know that it will require effort on my part. I realize that I am going to have to try harder.

After a long day of waking the kids, getting them around for school, making sure they have everything they need (snacks, lunch money, book bags, gloves, hats, etc.), grading for my online classes, replying to emails, cleaning the house, starting dinner, picking up the kids, playing with Henry, taking care of the dogs, planning out our week, making grocery lists, sending cards, paying bills, setting the table, helping the kids with their homework, and so-on, and so-on, and so-on…I just don’t know if I have the energy to try even more. I try so hard to be a good mom through my children’s eyes, through Heath’s eyes, and through society’s eyes. I try to keep a clean house and cook well for my family (my love language). I try to keep everything going and running smoothly. I try, and I try, and I try. And, well, when Heath asks me to try some more, I want to pull my hair out.

I know I should. Of course I should! Why should my marriage take a back seat to anything else? It certainly should not. In fact, one could argue that it is more important than parenting, and I wouldn’t completely disagree. But, for me, it is the one thing that sometimes gets put on auto-pilot. We co-exist A LOT. We are constantly having conversations about things we should do to connect; we recognize the importance of working on us. Yet, it is usually the first thing, for us, to lower on the list of priorities.

As I sit in this conclusion of mine, I realize life is so exhausting because there is no end to the trying (on this earth, anyway). It isn’t like I can just decide to be the best wife ever for….let’s say, even a year, and then go back to complacency. It is something I will have to try at my whole life. And, I really should be happy to.

But, I also need to try at a lot of other things, which don’t go away either – parenting, familial relationships, friendships, my relationship with God, my health, and just improving myself. There are certainly days when I can be lazy about each and every one of them; but, overall, I have to put forth effort. I have to try, if I want to find my happiness.

While this entire concept and realization is kind of a hard one to swallow, because I really dreamed of day that I can just be content with my life and have all of the “work” behind me, I think it’s a good epiphany for me to have. Once I accept the true effort required to foster these aspects of my life, I can do better. And, I know that they are all so very worth it.

Practice makes perfect, and I’m gonna give it hell.  Here is to more effort, and to more trying.

Parenting Thoughts

After my post about “one of those mornings,” I quickly realized that maybe you don’t share my same dry, sarcastic humor when it comes to parenting. I haven’t always laughed things off either. In fact, sometimes I can’t. While yesterday was not my proudest morning as a parent, I chose to shake it off and start over again when I picked up Henry (and when the girls came home).

You see, I have spoken with many friends about parenting and I forget that you have not all been included. It’s so incredibly hard. THEE toughest job I’ve ever had. I don’t need to tell you all that, though. You know! And, while many of us have the ability to be a parent, things don’t always come naturally to us when it comes to the actual parenting. Some of us, like me, have to try. Things like the love I feel for those sweet babies or the impromptu hugs and kisses I lay on ‘em several times a day, those things come easily. But, the patience, the understanding, the calmness, and so on, I have to work on. Parenting is a conscious effort – at least for me, it is. That's why it is so exhausting!

As an anxiety-ridden over-thinker, I am convinced that even with that effort, I’m screwing up my kids. I am providing them with terrible habits. I am not doing enough for them, talking enough to them, reading enough to them. I talk too much about my own eating habits and body image in front of them. I obsess too much about how clean the house is when they are present. I sometimes don’t forgive easily enough, and raise my voice far too loud. Sometimes I roll my eyes at the whining and say something incredibly sarcastic, just to make myself feel better. I give and I give and I give, and sometimes I get mad that my giving isn’t appreciated. But, I am trying. The day I stop trying is the day that I have failed.

My dad reached out to me after my post yesterday. He said that he saw himself in my words, and regretted that he had passed it down. While I guess I could, I don’t blame him. Because, I like to think that most parents are trying their best. It is just easier for some than others. 

Mom, Dad, I’m gonna lump you together now, and I’m gonna make some assumptions. I hope that is alright.

Knowing what I know about my grandparents and their parenting styles (lumped together), I think my parents probably think their own parenting fell short of the ideal, but did “better” than their parents did. 

That is my goal. I just want to try to do better than my parents did. Then, maybe my kids can do better than I. And, just perhaps, my great-great-great grandkids will be perfect at it!  And, when I say that I want to do “better,” I say that without judgement. Because, parenting is hard and we are human.

Let’s be honest still, parenting isn’t something that we study for. It isn’t something we go to school for, take classes for, or even really read up on (until we are in the throes of a problem!). We use our experiences to learn. We learn from our own parents, grandparents, teachers, etc. We learn what to do, and decide what not to do (if we can help it). 

“But, Cori, you have two psychology degrees.”

Why, yes. I do. But, I liken my degrees to Christianity….Ha…Just hold on. Bear with me.

I know what I should be doing. I have studied it and know the “right way” – in the sense that studies suggest…blah, blah, blah. But, knowing what to do and following through with it are two different things. I know that positive reinforcement is the answer…but, damn if it isn’t hard some times. And, just like I know the person Jesus wants me to be, I fall short every single day (like saying damn just a second ago).

Nevertheless, I keep trying. I cry. I apologize. I regret. But, I keep on trying. That, I think, is the best I can do.

Stressing for the Sake of Kids

Once upon a time I had one child in elementary, one in preschool, and one that was lovingly attached to my leg most days. I got up in the morning, barely put myself together, got the two older ones around, and maybe found a pair of Uggs to walk to the garage and get into the van. I buckled the youngest one in, who may or may not have been in his pajamas still, from the night before. At our school drop off, we were impressing no one.

During that time in my life, we also lived in a home that was a bit outdated and in need of a Johanna Gaines-type overhaul, but was completely maintenance free. It was new enough to be clean and nice; but old enough to have peach grout and honey oak everything. I had done all that I felt I could with that home, and cleaned almost daily. Also, I was not involved on any local Boards or teaching online yet. So, my cleaning schedule was fairly easy to maintain. And, yes, I had a cleaning schedule... (I heart organization.)

Do you have a clear photo in your mind of what my days were like? I actually had plenty of time to do things. Time to enjoy my kids before they were involved with numerous things themselves.

So, when Red Ribbon Week came around back then, and the school released the themes of each day, we went all out. We busted out the markers, old t-shirts, tulle, ribbons, and glue gun, and we made costumes. I remember that Lucy loved it and even told me on one such day, "Today is going to be epic." Whew! What expectations, right? When is the last time you got your hair done and that was enough to make the rest of the day "epic?" It meant a lot to her.

Fast forward to now. I am teaching three courses online, involved with one Board officially, one unofficially, helping out with the kids' activities, and am in the middle of a complete home renovation (different house, which we took down to the studs). I'm not saying that I am any busier than any other Mom. I am probably less so than most. Nevertheless, compared to two years ago, I am swamped.

We received the Red Ribbon Week schedule again this year. They had cut down on theme days; I believe it to be the voice of parents who implemented such a change. Only three days this time, and they were fairly simple (or so it would seem).

Today, Tuesday, was superhero day. I am sure this day was chosen as an easy option, as most kids have superhero gear already. But, sadly, we do not. Heath and I liked the Batman movies when we were kids, and who didn't love Captain Planet, etc.?! But, we have not gotten much into the Marvel comic characters or superheros, as adults. We saw Deadpool and that's about it... Naturally, this translates to our children and they do not watch much of that stuff or have clothing representative of it either. That meant, to participate, I would have to be creative. Ugh! I love being crafty...when I have time. But, last night, was a busy night. I had a board meeting, and Lucy and I had practice. I still needed to complete a few items for the courses that I am teaching, and write a letter for another Board. It was a chaotic Monday, whether typical or not.

So, when Lucy asked about the "Superhero outfits" at approximately 9 PM, I didn't know what to say really. I wanted to say, "Nah, we aren't going to do it." It wasn't even that I had these spectacular ideas and didn't have the energy to execute them. I really didn't have a clue how I could "create" superheros from literally nothing. Cut t-shirts into capes? Glue an emblem on the front of an old shirt? No idea.

I did what any mom would do; I dismissed Lucy, told her to get to bed, and finished my to-do list with multiple huffs and swigs of caffeine. It wasn't until I poured myself into bed at midnight that I thought, "What am I going to do about super-hero day tomorrow?" I was kind of irritated with my younger self, for setting the bar so high, dammit. But, the kids loved it and I knew that I simply couldn't tell them to forget about it. Lucy would undoubtedly tell me that she was "the only one who wasn't dressed up." I know that it wouldn't be true, but the guilt would feel like it was.

I quickly searched Pinterest for a few ideas, came up with some possibilities and prayed (not literally) that I could find everything I needed in the morning. Zzzzz.....

When my alarm went off this morning, I wanted to hit snooze. I am a big fan of the snooze button. I start my alarm almost an hour before I need to get up, just so I can hit snooze multiple times (about six times, actually). The only thing that got me out of bed was Red Ribbon Week, Superhero Day...

Thankfully I found a Batman shirt that my mom bought Henry, and a mask that my sister bought him. Typical boy - he was set. Easy peasy. Then, the girls...By some miracle from God, they each had black pants, black shirts, and black shoes that FIT and were CLEAN. Hallelujah! I quickly threw on some cat ears for Olive, a random blue cape for Lucy, and we were well on our way to Cat Woman and a female Batman. Olive had no clue who Cat Woman was, but went along with it, as I knew she would.

After searching for face paint, I came up with just one little black pen. It had to work. I drew masks on the girls and held my breath, while they stood in front of the mirror.

"I love it," they said. And, I knew my status as "Awesome Momma" was safe.

I somehow managed to be successful today, with Red Ribbon Week - theme day number 1. But, it was not without shortness, and complaining, and irritation, and telling Olive the same thing five times. Or, saying, "Hold still!" to Lucy enough times to make me blue in the face. It was accompanied by "hurry up"s and "we are gonna be late!"s. It was a very grumpy, rushed, stressful morning.

I sit back now and wonder. Will they remember the "awesome" costumes and face paint that Momma helped them with for school? Or, will they remember that Momma was a freakin' psycho this morning, who wouldn't stop rolling her eyes, huffing, and asking, "Why aren't you doing what I said?!"

Of course, in those moments, we think the important thing is the day. The task at hand. If we can just get to school on time, dressed up, I will be successful. But, is that true? If I am a complete asshole in the process, is it really being successful? And, successful at what exactly? I'm praying that the joy of what today brings will erase the memories of their stressed out, jerk-of-a-Momma.

It's funny, right? You think you are doing something great for your kids, but in the process are not being a great example... I believe we do that a lot as parents. We stress out trying to create these amazing memories for our kids; but, we often run the risk of their memories being about our stress instead. Aren't several of your own memories about your parents, just them being completely fed up with you and your siblings on trips and vacations? Yeah. They were just trying to do something nice for us and it was incredibly stressful.

Tomorrow's theme is "orange day."

Friday is "red day."

I think I can handle those...

Responsibility Advice

I recently had a mother of one contact me about going to grad-school and parenting. She wanted to know "how I do it." I laughed. Who the hell am I to be giving any advice? For all she knows I go home, starve the girls, and lock them in their rooms...but, I was humbled. I didn't really know what to say. I let the email sit in my inbox for a couple of days before replying. When I did reply, this is what I said...

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It is great to hear from you. And, when it comes to being a multi-tasking mom, I seriously hear you! I had such a hard time transitioning to my "new life" and that was back when I wasn't going to school. So, having a second baby and then applying to Grad School was basically terrifying. I completely understand your concern! I do have some advice, but I want to make sure I am completely clear - I still fail. I try. I try to be the best at everything that I can. But, some days the house is a complete wreck. Some days I order a pizza and don't cook supper. Some days I am so stressed to the max that I get short with Lucy and Olive, cry in the corner, and then beg for forgiveness. It is tough. I just don't think that we can be "the best" at it all. I've tried several times and I have failed every single time. Just when I think I am getting into the swing of things, I realize that my relationship with Heath is suffering, or my friendships. Or, that I can't find time to just sleep, or think, or be by myself for two seconds!

I digress...

So, here is my advice and feel free to ignore me.

1) Forget your life pre-baby
I think my greatest milestone as a new mom was finally letting go of my "old life." I had a hard time. I kept thinking that everything was going to be the same, just with a baby. It literally took me about 2.5 years to figure this out. Things will have to be adjusted and concessions will be made.

2) Lean on your hubby
Heath is fantastic. But, I like to take a little bit of credit for getting him there. :) I am always an open book with him. I tell him when I am reaching my limit. He has really helped me pick up the slack and has come to know what really bothers me. I can't stand dishes in the sink; but, dust can wait until I have time...That kind of stuff. He has learned that there will be concessions when it comes to housework. So, a few rooms in our house (our bedroom and the toy room) will never be clean. We have finally come to terms with this.

3) Schedule "you" time
When I was a new mom I felt like if I wasn't spending every second of my free-time with Lucy, then I was a bad mother. I was so upset that I was already missing out on so much during the day, with her at daycare. But, I soon realized that I was having major burnout. I would try to do too much and then get short with Lucy. I was with her, but the shared time wasn't good. So, I schedule homework days, or homework nights, or even days away. Don't ever feel guilty for doing this - ever. It's not the quantity of time, it is the quality of time.

4) Schedule "us" time
Seriously, along with the previous one, take time to spend with your hubby. It is amazing how silly "the dishes" or "taking out the trash" can seem when you both are in good graces. But, if you are both stressed, you will end up bickering about something silly, something not even worth fighting about. So, once a week, if possible, take a night to go out, or order a movie, or something with just the two of you. It will make the household chores seem like less of a priority, which really, aren't they?

5) Remember this: When you die, no one will remember you for how clean your house was
You will be remembered as a wife, a mom, and so on. I learned this from my Uncle Matt and it is so true! Pick your battles and try to remember what really matters.

6) Indulge

Get that coffee from Starbucks. Buy those earrings. Every once in a while, we all need something to keep our sanity. Mine is the sweet, sweet flavors of a large diet-coke with vanilla from Sonic. :) It fuels me to get homework done. Seriously.

7) June Cleaver doesn't exist!

I kept thinking I should be able to do it all. But, to be honest, I don't think it is possible. I seriously don't. Something has GOT to give. Mine is the housework and sleep. Yes - I still get overwhelmed with it and hate when people come over and things aren't perfect. But, I have just learned what really gets under my skin and what doesn't, and prioritize accordingly. During the week, no housework gets done. I cook supper, do dishes, and try to pick-up the girls' rooms. The weekend is for housework and maybe not all of it. These Pinterest and Blogging moms are struggling too, they just aren't as honest (or they don't work full-time, or go to school). Sleep? Well, I love it so much. I catch up on the weekends or take naps with the girls. :)

9) Also, remember this: You are not alone. 

And, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Before we know it, our kids will be big and we won't know what to do with ourselves.

10) Having two is not much more work than one, as long as your husband helps out. Keep that in mind for future babies. :) The biggest obstacle is going back to those toddler days, where you can't take them anywhere for long periods of time (grocery shopping sucks, etc.).

I hope I helped in some way. Those are the things getting me by. But, my classes started up again this week and I'm already stressing. That's okay; I will just pick up my Sonic drink on the way home and wait until the girls go to sleep until I start homework.



Heath is also fantastic. He really is. I could never do any of this without him. He is a great husband and father. He supports me emotionally and he supports my education. He picks up so much of my slack. I am forever grateful for him. I hope that everyone has that type of support!

You will do great. If not, you will figure it out. I promise. I am always here to listen.

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Any advice that any other parents would give to a new mother, trying to take on other responsibilities? Besides calling them crazy... :)

The Mother & the Teacher

The mother and the teacher. No, not the daughter. You see, Lucy is teaching me sometimes much, much more than I am teaching her. When you see yourself or hear yourself through your child's eyes, well...it is humbling, amazing, heart-warming, a bit terrifying, and sometimes seriously upsetting.

You know those typical stories of the parent who pushes their child to be like them or follow the path that they want? You know, Varsity Blues, Ice Princess, She's All That - that kind of stuff.

"I don't want your life." - Dawson Leary, or whatever his name was on Varsity Blues

or

"You can't quit. This is your dream!" - Mother
"No, mom. It's your dream." - Daughter

I watch those and think, "Pssshhhh...silly parents. Who is so blind that they push their kids like that?"

Well, I may not be that extreme. But, I do see myself pushing Lucy to do things a certain way, say things a certain way, and so on. Then, I am somehow brought back to reality....usually with a metaphorical punch to the gut that leaves me reeling.

What do you see when you look at this photo?

I imagine that most of you will note the pure pride and joy that is plastered across that beautiful face of Lucy's. She is so happy. I bet she really was! She loves crafts and especially painting. I even chuckle a bit when I think about that goofy grin of hers. But, when I see it, I am struck with guilt. My stomach does one of those flips and my heart sinks a bit. I feel a small failure pumping through my veins.

You see, Lucy brought this particular piece of art-work home with her. She was proud. I told her that I loved it; but, truly, I was a bit concerned. It was a blob of black on construction paper. It had bits of green and purple too. But, together, the three colors created a dark, border-line creepy picture. When I looked at it, I saw sadness. I acted happy for Lucy, and well, I really was proud that she painted it herself. I couldn't help myself though; I told her that next time she could use happy colors, like yellow or red - bright and cheery. She completely shrugged me off...like the complete jerk that I was. Good for her.

Then, about a week later, this picture was posted on her preschool's Facebook page. I am a jerk. Look at the colors she had to work with...green, black, purple, and orange. No yellow. No red. I sunk into the awful lesson that I had just learned. I had judged. I had judged my own child. Here I am, thinking that she has some type of deep-seated sadness that came out through 10 minutes of painting time. But, does that child look sad to you? She had no other color options. I bet she didn't even mind. She did what she could, with what she had. Shame on me for assuming anything else...

Today I looked at Lucy and realized that she is growing so fast. There are so many things that I was not and am not prepared for as a parent - things I didn't even think about! But, I am learning and trying my best. I guess that is all we can do...

I forgave myself. The guilt remains; but, I'm okay with that. It's a good reminder...

Lesson learned.
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Whomp, whomp. I know. Sorry to be a downer. I think it is a nice reminder to take things lightly. But, most importantly, I want the girls to know that I recognize that I am making mistakes. I get it. They will also make parenting mistakes. It's inevitable to fail in life in multiple ways. The most important thing is to recognize it, learn from it, and move forward. :)

I will try to continue with the blog posts as much as possible. Occasional posts are better than none, right? My thoughts exactly. We are doing better. I still have my sad days. I have a lot of stressful days (grad school). Overall, though, we are doing well. We are happy and healthy and I couldn't ask for anything more. Welcome 2014! I hope you all have a wonderful year, filled with love and happiness!