The Decision to be a Stay-At-Home Mom

I have been a stay-at-home mother (SAHM) for almost four years. That seems kind of crazy to even type. Four years. Wow. While I feel like I am finally getting the hang of being a SAHM, I also am not at all getting the hang of it. I am convinced that I may never be used to this ever-changing role that I have taken on. Life is that way, though, right? As soon as you feel like you have established some type of routine, you get that curve ball that resets everything.

(Type A cringe of grand proportion)

I have been wanting to address my/our decision for me to stay home ever since the decision was made. 

I’m telling you now, this post will be long - like six Word pages long. And, before I jump in, I am gonna say that I am in no way trying to guilt working mothers or convince them to stay home. I think you are amazing and I am in awe of you every day. I have been blessed to be both a working mother and a SAHM. Both are awesome and make me proud to be a woman/mother. As Beyonce would ask, "Who run the world?!"

The first time Heath and I discussed me becoming a stay-at-home mother, I had just had Lucy and was returning to work after an eight-week maternity leave. I struggled putting Lucy in daycare. If you at all read my blog back in 2011, you know how much I struggled. I just couldn’t get over it. But, many other apprehensions won out each time it was discussed and, well, I continued to work. With Olive’s birth, we visited the discussion again. At this point, we had become quite financially “comfortable,” and the idea seemed even further from a reality. I actually liked my job at that time and the people I worked with. The daycare was in my building and since Heath worked at the same place, we rode to and from work together. It really was a great situation for a working mother. It seemed stupid to walk away from something so seemingly ideal.

Then, without going into much detail, I became unhappy in my working role. It became very apparent to me, and every single person around me, that it was time for me to transition to something else. That very difficult point in my life was what pushed me to make the decision that I had been avoiding for many years – five years actually. I was pregnant with our youngest and again, Heath asked me, “Do you want to stay home?”

Every time I heard that question uttered, I immediately became nervous. I can distinctly recall moments in the car, on the way home from work, physically trembling with fear just talking about it. I had several concerns, and fears, and irrational worries. I have decided to share a few with you. Or, maybe ten...

1)      Money

The number one concern was an obvious one – money. We needed to figure out if we could even make it work, financially. I knew that we could, in a grand sense. However, we had certainly become accustomed to a certain lifestyle. Were we ready to take that cut?

Four years later…
I do not take this point of discussion lightly. Honestly, when it comes to a two-income family, having one of them stay at home is sometimes not even an option. The fact that it was even a consideration for us, was and is a blessing.

At first, it was a huge adjustment that we took on as a challenge. It was actually kind of fun. I took my monthly “allowance” and knew that with every dollar saved, I could celebrate with that money – a night out, a new gadget, some type of splurge, and so on. I wasn’t sure if I could keep up the momentum, but was willing to give it a go. Thankfully, we saved a lot of money right away. Daycare for three children was going to be about 30-40% of my salary anyway. So, there was a huge savings. And, I didn’t need to buy work clothes any longer. My dream of living in Target yoga pants and cheap sweatshirts was now a reality. But, most of all, we were no longer using our money to make us happy.

When I was working, I became extremely unhappy. I was stressed, and pregnant, and working in graduate school, and took my anger/sadness/discontentment home with me every single night. We got home at 5:30 PM, unloaded and settled in by 6 PM, and the last thing I wanted to do was put a meal on the table. So, we ordered out a lot. A lot. I mean, A LOT. I think we were spending almost $600 a month on just eating out. We would justify it with working so hard. We had also started justifying big splurges too. When you work your ass off and are unhappy, you buy things to try and fill your cup. You feel like you deserve it; you work all the time and deserve to use some of it on something that makes you happy, right?  Well, we immediately stopped doing that. Mostly because we had to; but, we soon realized that we didn’t need to anymore. With me staying home, we were now happy without the splurging; we were content.

I must also mention that we were very fortunate in our path. It wasn’t long after I started staying home that Heath applied for and received a new job. It has been an amazing blessing in our lives in so many ways. Moreover, it did relieve quite a bit of the financial strain as well. Then, I applied for and received the opportunity to teach online courses as an adjunct faculty member at a local institution. It is sporadic and not a guaranteed income, but it helps financially (and I love it and hope to elaborate more on that another time).

2)      Judgment from other People – Society

I kept wondering what other people might think about my decision. Would everyone think I was lazy? Would they think that I got fired? Would they think that I wasn’t smart enough? And also, for me, I was in the middle of a graduate program. The idea that I might start staying home and not “using” my degree, at least right away, seemed silly.

Four years later…
I still struggle with this. Because, let’s be honest, society is judgmental. SAHMs and working mothers both get judgement. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. For me, I am very insecure about this point in particular. When I thought about people asking me what I did for a living, I would feel sick. How could I say, “I stay at home”? Looking back, I think I may have judged SAHMs a bit too. I don’t even know why exactly; I guess it felt like the “right side” to be on. I blame ignorance. 

The entire idea of being scared of what society might think makes me laugh now. As I have become more comfortable in this role, and found other BA SAHMs out there, I don’t feel embarrassed or apologetic. I feel empowered and ready to fight ‘em on it. I am not lazy. I am educated. I am organized. And, WE ARE HAPPY. Period. That is all that matters. It was right for our family. It isn’t right for everyone. But, for us, it is.

3)      Judgment from other People – Our Family

Thinking about how Heath’s family might react scared me. Would they think that I was “taking advantage” of him? Would they think I should be doing more, financially, to contribute? And, of course, would they think I was just being lazy?

Four years later…
I was absolutely terrified to tell our family that I was going to be staying home. I made Heath tell his parents. I stressed how important it was for him to let them know he was supportive of the idea. Because, that was KEY. If he didn’t support the idea, it wouldn’t work. While I “run the show” at home. None of this is even possible without Heath. I acknowledge that and probably don’t thank him enough for it. 

In the beginning, while everyone was nice about it, I could see the fear in their eyes. They were scared for us. We had a nice home, I was in graduate school, and we had a third baby on the way. No one really knew what our finances were; but, I’m sure it appeared scary from the outside! The fear was again reignited when we decided to take on a fixer-upper, and had two mortgages for a brief period.

You can really only do so much to give family comfort. It took time, I think, before they could see that we are doing alright. And, it took time to see how much happier we became. 

4)      What if I am not meant to be a SAHM?

What if the idea of staying home seems great, but I wasn’t meant for it? I am not much of a “kid person” - really. That sounds terrible; but, I’m not. I ruled out being an Elementary School Teacher many, many years ago. So, what if I was just not built for this? What if I quit my job and hated being at home? It’s not like you can just go back to your old job and be like, “Ooops. Never mind.” And, finding a new job that I liked and was paid similarly was not guaranteed. 

Four years later…
If I said that my first months were easy, I’d be lying. It takes some time to get used to being at home. I felt guilty for any second that I wasn’t doing something. I would basically follow the kids around, picking up anything and everything, making sure the house was spotless. Moments that I now realize are necessary for recharging and sanity, I would fill with multiple activities each day. While Heath never said a word to me about it, I always felt this immense pressure to have the house looking beautiful and have dinner on the table when he came home. That was my new job, right?

Heath has said many, many times that he doesn’t expect anything. And, thank the Lord for him, because you know what? Life still happens. Some days I don’t get everything done. And, sometimes things come up. And, sometimes the kids have bad days. And, sometimes I have bad days. And, sometimes we make frozen pizza for dinner. When I finally embraced that idea, I embraced the reason for staying home. The priority for me was the kids.

Yes, staying home has also allowed me to get more things done during the day, to allow for more family time in the evenings. It allows me to be more involved with the kids’ school lives. And, I could list about a billion other things it gives me the opportunity to do. Bottom line is: I gambled and I won. I love staying at home. And, also, after being at home…I’m still not a kid person. Turns out, you don’t have to be. I just have to be a “my kids” person.

5)      Adult Interaction

Being a working mother, you aren’t necessarily privy to all of the SAHM mother programs or activities, day-time volunteer opportunities, or who to even call for play-dates. Everyone I was really good friends with and all of my family, at that time, worked. I would be at home with a 2.5 year old and a baby full-time; my five year old would be there when not in school. Could Heath carry the entire load of my conversational yearning?

Four years later…
I struggled a lot in the first year. I had a newborn too; so, that may have been a lot of the issue. But, mostly, I was not familiar with the SAHM “scene.” Where do I meet other moms? Is there an app that will match me with them? Swipe left? Right?

It was a blessing that a friend of mine suggested our local MOPs group (Moms of Preschoolers). We meet once a month and I absolutely love it. I look so forward to the meetings; but, it has linked me to other SAHMs in the area. I now have a weekly women’s group I attend, and many numbers to text for impromptu play dates.

SAHM full-disclosure: playdates are totally not for the kids, y’all. They are for our sanity. And, maybe a tiny bit for the kids…I mean, they usually sleep better burning off all that energy...

I also decided to just be more open to social interaction. If another mom started up a conversation at t-ball practice, I welcomed it. I never had a reason to seek out new friendships before. Now, it seems like I have so many, and I have so many people to reach out to for anything. My support system grew considerably! 

I don’t like to give advice, but I’m gonna. (Actually, I love to give advice, but acknowledge, like, who am I to be giving advice? Anyway, here is my advice…) If you are invited to something, go. I mean, if the only thing that keeps you from going is social anxiety and the fear of being awkward, then please try it. I am SO awkward. You have no idea! And, I am so glad I chose to say yes and to go. The first couple of times are scary and weird; but, you WILL figure out who you have commonalities with. It won’t take long before you…dare I say it?... "find your tribe.”

6)      My Husband Might Resent Me

I worried that Heath my start to resent me at some point. The first time we had to say no to a purchase, because it wasn’t in the budget, would he be mad that I wasn’t working? Seeing other people go on expensive vacations or buying this or that, would he be upset with our decision? And, when I was able to sleep-in, or do something fun with the kids, would he be angry that I got to do it and not him? 

Four years later…
Heath truly might resent me. In the depths of his soul, there may be some resentment. I don’t know unless he tells me. And, I check in on it from time to time. Heath consistently tells me that he is happy with our set-up, that I can stay home with our children. He is happy with all of it. And, I believe him. I know that there is always the possibility that he may someday change his tune. So, I just make sure that I remember such. I try to make extra time for him. I try to be thoughtful. And, I say, “Yes, you deserve it,” when he suggests buying something for himself – most of the time that is…

7)      A Resume Gap

I had a big worry that I would have a resume gap, which I wasn’t even sure at that time how big of a gap that might be! I was concerned that when I decided to jump back into the workforce, people wouldn’t respect the gap and my reason for it – especially men. And, was I ready to start out at a base salary again, and being older this time around?

Four years later…
As mentioned, I was fortunate enough to eventually start a part-time gig. But, before that, I decided to keep my resume alive by volunteering. I was able to apply for and get a position on a local board for a non-profit organization. It was something that related to my work experience, was something that I was passionate about, and gave me an outlet for that yearning to work. That last part probably sounds silly. But, after my first couple of meetings, I told Heath, I just liked the strategic thought and being able to use my work experience and degree in some way. It was a nice fulfillment for me. I got to be successful outside the home as well.

I have also become so comfortable in my role at home that I've become quite defiant about it. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. The more you love your decisions, the less you care what other people think about them. So, if you stay home and you have a resume gap, and a potential boss doesn’t respect it, then what does that say about them? It would indicate that they aren’t going to be A) a decent person to work for, or B) understanding when it comes to family needs. So, maybe you don’t want to work for them anyway… 

8)      I Cheated My Older Children

Since I didn’t make this decision earlier, when my girls were born, if I stayed home with the youngest, did I cheat the others? Will this make me even sadder about missing out on the time my girls spent at daycare? 

Four years later…
I don’t know if I can or will ever overcome this insecurity. Because it is just that. It is something that I personally deal with. I know other mothers who did the opposite of me; they stayed home with older children and then worked while the younger ones went to daycare. And, what it comes down to is doing what is right for our families. I believe in God’s plan and His timing. We weren’t necessarily in the position for me to stay home before, and I don’t know if I would appreciate staying home as much had I not experienced what I did. God is in control and I’ll know if and when it’s time to make another shift.

9)      Am I Thickening that Glass Ceiling?

I had previously experienced outright sexism in the workplace, more than once. I won’t go into details; but, I was told that since I was a female and someone else was a male, that [this] is how it was going to be. If I quit, was I just perpetuating the stereo-type? It felt like by staying home, I was telling everyone that I “wasn’t right for the workplace” and “my place was at home.” 

Four years later…
Turns out, my place is at home - but, not for the reasons that sexist turd-bag implied…

I don’t believe that SAHMs are “less-than.” And, maybe I am perpetuating some stereo-type by staying home. But, I believe that I could become the first female president tomorrow, and those stereo-types will still exist. All I can do is continue to fight for women who want to do more, and empower my girls. We don’t have to do ALL things that men do. But, we should be able try, if we want, right? And, it goes the other way too, men. Stay-at-home Dads, are ya with me?!

10)   Independence

If I stayed home, I would be 100% financially dependent on Heath. I trust my husband. I do. Really. But, giving up all independence is kinda terrifying. What if I stay home, face many of the aforementioned concerns, and then Heath finds himself a 20-something-hottie to leave me for? To Heath, this concept is laughable. Literally, every time I have mentioned this idea, he laughs at me. I didn’t, or don’t, truly believe it would happen. But, I mean…I am a realist as well and I am not going to say that it is impossible. I would be trying to jump back into the work-force and adjusting to my own, likely lower than before, female (78 cents on the dollar) salary - all while adjusting to all the other issues a separation brings. 

It was a very small, in the depths of my mind, concern.

Four years later…
I have to trust Heath. I have to let go and let God. There are some things you just can’t obsess about. This, coming from someone who obsesses about everything! But, really, I can’t dwell on an insecurity. If I continue to work on my marriage, and just keep trying, then I can feel content with my efforts. You can only do so much; I am not in control of other people’s actions, and I never will be – no matter how much I would like to be sometimes. So, I try my best and that’s all I can do. And, I respect that.

_____________________________________________

It might be time, or age. But, I am finding comfort and contentment with my decisions. My life. My thoughts. All of it. I know that our life can turn upside down at any minute. I’ve witnessed it. I just continue to have faith in my family, my support system, myself, and most importantly, God. 

And again, working moms, you are killin' it. The grass is green over here. But, your grass is green too. Different greens, but both green. I promise.

Lucy's Love Triangle

Now, Lucy is a little confused about the concept, since she will occasionally refer to boys as her 'girlfriend' as well. Nonetheless, she considers herself to have "boyfriends" at DayCare.

It all started when Lucy was a baby. She has gone full-time to DayCare since she was 6 weeks old. Also at DayCare? Her friend Max, who is also a full-time "go-er." Remember Max? :)

We've given Lucy some grief about Max, her "boyfriend." She actually liked this concept. Well, she loved it. She would even call him that herself. She was even the only, non-family girl that went to his birthday party (she got him a Ninja Turtle - what else?).


 Then, one weekend she started saying things, like, "Let's do this, man." Or, "Yeah, dude."

I knew that there had to be a male influence at DayCare, possibly even Max. Of course there was! Lucy is really the only girl that is full-time. She is surrounded by boys her age; I can count eight boys her age off the top of my head. I know there are more. It results in her talking about Superman, Spiderman, Batman, and Ninja Turtles. It hasn't suppressed her love for pink and princesses, but it definitely broadens her view...

Then, one day when we picked Lucy up, another mother (my co-worker actually) was also picking up her children. Her youngest son, who is about 9 months or so older than Lucy puts his jacket on, turns to Lucy, and says, "See you later, man!"

Ah-ha.

The little boy's name is Bryson. I have noticed that Lucy has referenced him a lot lately. Bryson did this or Bryson did that. She even told me when Bryson was sick. She calls him, "By-sin."

So, the other day, Lucy, Olive, and I are waiting for Heath to come pick us up. Max and his mom come out. Max looks up at his mom and says, "Lucy's my girlfriend." It was adorable.

Lucy shouts, "No - Bryson my girlfriend!"

Max didn't seem to mind too much, he still smiled at Lucy with a big grin. Us mothers just laughed. Oh boy, it begins!

Move to later in the week, we went out to eat. We see Bryson and his family. Lucy stood almost the entire time, to see his table, while grinning coyly. I asked her, "Do you see Bryson?"

She says, "Yeah. I like By-sin. He's my favorite."

Later in the evening she told Heath that, "By-sin is sooooo cute."

I thought the whole thing was hilarious and adorable. Heath, on the other hand, didn't seem to really give it much attention. I think he was kind of thinking that this couldn't possibly be happening already.

So, there you have it - Lucy and her love triangle.

I have a feeling Max will be "her boyfriend" again soon, man. :)

36 & 37 Week Updates

I'm still here and still pregnant, just in case you were wondering. I don't have a picture off hand. Sorry! I am seriously side-tracked lately! I owe you one, or two...

How far along?
I am 37 weeks and 6 days. Olive is full term and I have 15 days until my due date. Or do I?


You see, I have had two doctor's appointments since you have heard from me last. At my last one we officially set an induction date of September 7th! Yay! So, if I make it that far, I only have 9 more days! I go in on the evening of the 6th to start with a treatment (the name escapes me; it starts with a 'C') to thin my cervix. Then, we start Pitocin on the morning of the 7th. So, I feel kind of like I only have 8 days before we get this show on the road! :) I wouldn't be opposed to going into labor naturally though, even sooner...


Baby is the size of...
Dr. B mentioned again at the last appointment that she was "big." Every time she says that it scares me a bit. I sure hope she isn't too big and I can have her naturally, without really hurting myself! :{ I had a dream earlier this week that I had her naturally and she was 9 lbs 9 oz! We will see...I swear with all of this emphasis on size, she is going to be like 7 lbs or something completely average! haha.

Well, according to BabyCenter.com, she is the size of a "stalk of swiss chard" - whatever the heck that is! She is supposed to be still gaining an ounce a day and approximately half a pound each week. An average 37 week baby is 19 inches long and between 6 lbs and 7 lbs 10 oz.

Symptoms:
I have been feeling odd lately. The last two days I've just felt different. I wish that it meant labor was near; but, when you are this pregnant "near" has different meanings. You can have a sign that labor may begin soon, go into labor right away, or still have two weeks. The "signs" are never really that telling. So, I continue to wait. In fact, I'm kind of obsessing at this point. Although I kind of complained about Heath having classes and running around all the time, at least it kept my mind busy! Now, I just sit and wait and anticipate, and am SO READY already...

Things that I've been experiencing that could possibly be signs that labor is near (but could also mean nothing....ugh):

-  Several, several Braxton-Hicks contractions - they are getting pretty painful at times too.
-  Nausea
-  Frequent, loose bowel movements
-  Dizziness/Light headed-ness
-  Exhaustion
-  Lightening (my doctor said she had dropped; she feels like a bowling ball between my legs!)

All of those have other explanations and I haven't had any totally obvious signs yet. I am still waiting.

Anything new?
I've kind of gone over all the new stuff already. But, I wanted to add that at my last two checks I had no progress. I am not dilated at all and I am not effaced. So, in layman's terms that means that my cervix hasn't stretched, thinned, or widened...boo. My doctor did say, in an encouraging tone, "You are soft though and the head is definitely down!" I guess I can celebrate the little victories then.

My next doctor's appointment is this Thursday; so, I will let you know if there is any more progress. Almost 38 weeks!

New with Heath?
He has been playing super dad the last few weeks. He has really allowed me the rest that I need. I am so appreciative. He and Lucy, who are usually pretty inseparable, have been even more so lately. I seriously anticipate some jealousy issues when Olive arrives, particularly with daddy. Everyone else? Meh...

The other night, Lucy ended up in our bed again to sleep. Heath laid on his pillow, facing the outside of the bed. I told Lucy to roll over and close her eyes. She rolled over on Heath's pillow, sharing it with him, facing the same direction, and swung her arm around him. It was adorable. But, there I was, with Olive...left to do my own thing. Foreshadowing? I think so.

New with Lucy?
She goes into Olive's room a lot. In fact, we sometimes shut the door, or block it off with a baby gate. She plays with her stuff, or she will take Olive's stuff out of her room and put it in her own. I feel like I am constantly picking up after her; so, it's easier to just block it off for now.

She also won't stop playing with Olive's swing. I imagine that we will have to tell her not to assist the swing by pushing. She gets a little too excited and carried away. But, overall, I'm excited that she is so interested in babies and the baby items.

Also, she told DayCare the other day that her tummy hurt. Then, she proceeded to pull up her shirt, point at her belly, and say, "Olive kickin'." :) She also tells us the same thing, "Sister kickin'." :)

Anything else?
Well, as some of you have seen on Facebook, two ladies that were due around the same time as me had their babies already. I am jealous. One of them, who said she was also having a "big" baby had a 7 lb, 6 oz baby. I thought that was funny. I tell you Olive is probably going to be little after all! haha. The other woman, who is a reader of this very blog, :) had a 10 lb 13 oz baby. Now, that, I would consider big! :)

Last thing - my sister-in-law had a dream that I had the baby too. She said that Heath emailed everyone to let them know. Haha. It made me laugh. She told Heath, "Don't do that, okay?" Haha. Well, if this is like my last pregnancy, you can watch Facebook for updates. Heath posted statuses the whole time! Keep an eye on his account for breaking news! :)

Talk to you soon. Happy hump day!

Baby Goats at DayCare

I wish this was some type of metaphor or analogy, strictly for comical reasons. But, it isn't. There were really baby goats at DayCare. :)

Lucy, being an animal lover, loved it! I thought I would share some of the pictures with you all.

"Here goat, goat, goat."

Grabbing it's tail....tsk, tsk.

If you are now wondering if I am no longer "banned" from DayCare because of the pictures, the answer is no. I am still "banned." I was given the pictures...

I imagine that Lucy got right in there, and  was perhaps a little pushy looking at the baby goats. :)

Honest or Terror?

I entered DayCare to pick Lucy up the other day. Lucy was nowhere in sight, as I scanned the room. I heard a little commotion in the corner and heard a whine. I knew the whine didn't belong to Lucy; but, when I looked over there I could see Lucy's top-knot ponytail peeking over a playpen.

I walked over to the corner, to see one of Lucy's little friends sitting on the floor, whining. We will call her "Mary" for story's sake. Lucy was standing beside her.

Lucy looked at me, wide-eyed. I opened my mouth to ask what had happened and before I could, Lucy raised her arms up beside her head, palms up, and said, "I push Mary."

It was followed by a shoulder shrug, as she pulled the side of her mouth into her cheek. Then she dropped her arms, letting them slap her thighs, as she stared at Mary.

I was a little stunned at her immediate confession. I asked her if I understood correctly, "You pushed Mary?"

She nodded, just as wide-eyed as before - no remorse.

I, of course, started to tell her that pushing was very bad and to apologize to Mary. She and Mary hugged it out, as Lucy said she was sorry.

I asked, "Is Mary your friend?"

"Uh-huh."

"Do we push our friends?"

[blank stare]

I finally just said, "No. We don't."

As we started for the door, the director told me that Lucy always fesses up to it, "She always tells us what she did."

I thought, well that is good. At least she is honest. But, then, I remembered the wide-eyed look I was given. Is she honest? Or, does she not realize it's bad, so she doesn't think to lie? Honest or just a real terror?

Time will tell...Lucy the self-proclaimed pusher.

DayCare Blues

Lucy has started whining every once in a while, when we take her to DayCare. It makes me sad. At least once a week, sometimes twice, when we pull up to the building she starts whining or crying, "No. No K and J."  (Those are the two ladies that run the daycare.)

It breaks me heart. I wish I could stay home with her. I wish she had the option at least. It makes me sad all over again. To be honest, I have been getting a lot better with the idea of Lucy going to daycare. She is developing wonderfully and learning so, so many things! This kind of takes me back to when she was little and I constantly thought about all that I was missing out on...

After a lot of thought, I'll admit it. If I were a stay-at-home mom, Lucy would probably not be as educationally advanced as she is. I don't know if I would seriously take as much time teaching her songs, the alphabet, dances or skits, shapes, etc. Of course I would put forth the effort to teach her things, as we continue to do even though she goes to daycare. But, her life at daycare is so structured. Everyday she has class time, and singing, and arts and crafts, and so on.

I cannot say that if I stayed home with her that I would do that. I see all these things around the house that I would also like to take the time to do. I want to stay home with Lucy; but, I also want to clean, and organize, and craft, and cook...in addition to the fun projects and activities I could do with Lucy. I'd love to grocery shop during the day (unheard of!), and visit museums, get involved with the community, and go on picnics. While working, it just doesn't seem that there is ever enough time... (insert pathetically depressed expression here).

I am once again on that fence of daycare being a very good thing; but, I sometimes wish I could stay home with her too. I have a feeling that when Olive arrives, it will be even worse.

I see how organized my life is at work and I imagine it like that at home - having a schedule, structured to-do list, meal planning, budgeting, weekly outings with Lucy, actually sending out birthday and anniversary cards on time...etc, etc, etc. Perhaps someday I can figure out the balance that I desire. As of now, I really put all of my organizational thoughts into work. By time I get home, I can't remember what my to-do list consisted of or I lost that note I shoved in my purse, or better yet, I simply don't have the energy anymore.

I am young and perhaps I will get there. I just have to keep trying. I know another child will only add to the mix. Then, we can throw in dieting and exercising too.

Someday...

New Nap Mat

Sometimes I pick Lucy up early from DayCare. We try to work around nap time; however, at 2:30 or 3 pm, sometimes, Lucy is still sleeping. I would usually walk in and take an immediate left into the baby room, where Lucy had her own pack-n-play to sleep in. Well, a few weeks ago I turned left and was halted by one of the daycare providers. "Lucy is over here."

I turned and Lucy was to my right. She was on a nap mat, sleeping with the older children. First, I was thinking, "Wow! How did you get her to lay there and fall asleep?" Then, I thought about how big she was getting, as I approached her. She was on a daycare nap mat.

They look like this. They are red and blue, and they easily fold up for storage. They are pretty cushion-y, actually. However, they are that vinyl type of material.

When I approached Lucy she was so sweaty and her poor little face was sticking to the mat with sweat and slobber. I type that and kind of smile with amusement...but, I knew then that we needed to get her a nap mat of her own. Even if she got a sleeping bag and placed it on top of the mat, it would be a little better for laying on.

I scoured the internet for a comfortable and affordable option. You could literally spend, like, $50 on a mat! I found a winner and we ordered it.

I knew Lucy would love the princess mat, with the crowned frog in the bottom, right-hand corner.

We removed the name tag and the pillow to give it a quick wash. The next morning it was rolled up and ready to go! :) Lucy loved that she could grab the handle and easily carry it with her.

She carried it into DayCare and I was bursting with happiness. She was so proud of her new mat. She started yelling from the door, "Look! New mat!"  Or, for those of you who know Lucy, it was more like, "Gook, New maat!"

She even yelled at one point, "Awesome, new mat!" The phrase she picked up from Heath.

We all walked into the kitchen, Lucy leading the way with her mat. She stopped and lifted it above her head. Her eyes were wide and mouth was dropped open in awe. I was so happy that it made her so happy. I scanned the room of children. Most were holding some type of breakfast item in their hands and they stared blankly at Lucy. Poor girl.

No one was giving her the awe-stricken reactions that mom and dad did. Then, the daycare provider turned from the counter and started to ohh and ahh. :) Lucy lowered her mat in satisfaction. She then got to carry her new mat over to where the others were stored and place hers on top. :)  She was so, so proud of herself and at that point, I wanted to buy her the world. She was so happy...

She turned around and brushed her hands along her legs, as if she had just accomplished a great task. Then, we told her goodbye for the day.

My heart bursts with happiness when I think about her showing it off. She was so proud and excited over a nap mat. A nap mat. It was the best $23 we ever spent! :) She is getting too big!

"It hurt."

This is Lucy's arm. I bet you will never guess what happened there...

 - My Office telephone rings -

Blah, Blah, Blah, "This is Cori."

"Cori, this is K at DayCare." (That always makes me nervous!)

"Oh, hello!" I say all coy and stuff.

"I just wanted to call you and let you know that Lucy got bit today."

I admit; my first thought was, "by what?" But, it dawned on me quickly as I muttered, "Ohh..."

K continued, "We have a biter [in DayCare]. I put a cold cloth on it; but, it didn't break the skin. She just may have a bruise in the next couple of days."

I didn't really know what to say. I don't really remember where the conversation even went after that. We discussed Lucy's own demeanor and apparently she is a "pusher." To which Heath and I both agreed, if she shoved the girl after she was bit, then good for her! I certainly hope she sticks up for herself. :{

I just imagine poor Lucy staring at the girl in confusion, while she bit her arm. Then, slowly starting a silent, gasping cry. :( Poor girl. But, for the rest of the day, I tried to put it out of my mind. I mean, what was I going to do? say?

I know one thing, I wanted to know who did it. K didn't indicate who had. I knew that I would hold a personal grudge on said child...it was killing me.  I figured if I asked Lucy, she would tell me.

When I picked Lucy up at DayCare, I immediately went to her arms. I saw the same red, teeth shaped mark as you did above, with a little bit of swelling too. I said, "Well, someone small bit you." Lucy looked at me with a concerned face and said the name. I didn't understand her at first, until the other DayCare ladies told me who it was. Then, the name became clear to me. Ahhh....it was another little girl, just a bit older than Lucy. The ladies went on to tell me that the little girl bit two other kids that day too. I thought, hopefully her parents have been given some type of warning or something. That is a little out of hand! Three times? Three different children? That is a serious behavior issue.

All night, every time we said "arm" or "hurt." Lucy would say, "[So-and-So] bite me. It hurt."

It was pretty sad. These are the hardest parts of having a child in DayCare. I just want to protect Lucy every second of the day, at least until she's...um, let's say...18...haha. Or better yet, forever!

There really isn't much I can do. I know that the Director was concerned and knew that I'm the psycho mommy that she might want to call and warn. I guess that is kind of nice to know. I just hope Lucy doesn't start biting people now!

"Rough"

Sorry I haven't been around lately. I've been really busy again and really stressed out. Going to work after the holidays sucks - plain and simple.

Anyway, we have been getting back into the routine of things. Yesterday, I picked Lucy up from DayCare to experience another DayCare milestone. Wanna hear about it? It doesn't matter; because, I'm going to tell you anyway. It was far too frustrating.

I walk in to see Lucy dressed up in a cute little outfit. The provider and I start to talk about the outfit as I pull out my phone and snap a picture.

With a poofy hat on, I didn't notice anything different with Lucy. So, I peeled the clothing and headed to grab her coat. While getting Lucy ready to leave, the provider says, "Lucy has another little bruise on her forehead."

I brushed Lucy's bangs out of the way and see that she has a bruise right above her eyebrow; it still looked kind of red and a little swollen. My first thought is: "typical Lucy." She is constantly bumping her head on things. It happens at home all the time.

I waited to hear how she fell or ran into the doorway. Nope. The, the provider started to say something else. This time, she was choosing her word wisely. I could tell by all the stammering.

"She...well, they were...um, they...well,...they were being a little rough with her today."

My first thought was, "Who is they?"

My raised eyebrow of complete un-impressiveness must have made her continue on with her detail-lacking story.

"A lot of kids were in time-out today."

Okay...

While I finished buttoning up Lucy's coat and put her stocking cap on her, my mind was in a whirl. I could feel my face get hot with anger as I scanned the children in the room. Him...yep. I bet it was him. Or, maybe him.

At that moment two older children started to argue over some toys. One was maybe 6 or 7, definitely elementary school aged, and the other was 5. The five year old had walked up and snatched away the older child's toys. The older kid took them back. The five year old started whining. 

"Uhhhh......huh...huh...huh.....oooooo..."

I mean whiny-whining. Like, I wanted to put Lucy down, go over to him, grab him by the shoulders, tell him that he was 5 years old and to act like it...

I needed to exit and quickly.  

That probably sounds really awful to some of you children lovers out there. Sorry. I think I've addressed my total annoyance with misbehaved children.

I grabbed Lucy's bag, snarled at the children, held back something snarky to say, and muttered a "Bye."

As I walked across the parking lot I thought more and more about it. It really bugged me. I imagined poor little Lucy getting picked on. I looked at her and told her that I was sorry. I wished I could have been there for her. Violence is not the answer; but, at that moment, I hoped that she got a hit in too. I hoped that she did something really awful to them, like broke their toy or spit on them at lunch...something to at least make up for the hitting.

I wanted to ask DayCare who did it. Which kid? But, that would only end up with me strongly disliking the child....for, possibly, ever.

Now, I realize that those thoughts are irrational and unforgiving, especially for children. So, I apologize.

I just don't want Lucy to ever be picked on. I want to always be there for her, especially when she is too young to stick up for herself.

I immediately called Heath and vented. Why was she with those bigger children anyway? There wasn't a fight leading up to said bruise? Should we ask exactly what happened?

To be honest, maybe I shouldn't know. Again, maybe ignorance really is bliss. :[

She Works Hard for the Money

Too hard sometimes. :(

I am very often reminded at work, when I look at Lucy's pictures on my desk, that I only spend approximately four hours with Lucy every weekday.

How sad is that? Does it make you want to cry? Well, it does me sometimes...I am missing out on so many things! I could start naming off all of the wonderful things about DayCare (teaches social skills, independence, sharing, etc.). However, I could also name a few, sometimes selfish, reasons for her to be at home (bonding time, individual attention, consistent potty training, day trips, etc.).

Either way, it seems you can never win...(wahhh-wahhhmp).  That was my Debbie Downer sound, by the way.

I don't want to start a debate; because, obviously there are benefits to both. I just want to know if the grass sometimes appears greener on the other side to all of us. Full-time working moms: do you ever wish you could stay home with your child(ren)? Stay-at-home moms: do you ever wish you had a career and extra money?

"Ahh...Man!"

When your little girl goes to daycare all day and spends the weekend with family, it shouldn't be surprising that she comes home with a new phrase. However, Lucy has clung onto, "Ahh...man!"

Heath and I have decided that we say it, but only sparingly. She had to of picked this up from daycare or her cousin, Alex. The amazing thing is, she uses it in the right context. It's hilarious. Heath and I enjoyed the other evening when Lucy's personality was really starting to shine through!

She was wound up. I don't think it was from sugar, but that we were all together playing. She was all over the living room. On one pass, she cut the corner too sharp and hit her arm on the coffee table.

"Aowww....aowww....aowww...," she repeated looking at us.

"Did you hurt your arm?" Heath asked.

"Aowww," was the only response.We both laughed.

"You're okay," I told her.

Seeing that we weren't going to come running to her little arm's rescue, she gave herself a kiss on the arm. We laughed, as we continued to watch her roam the room. She started to run a little too fast and past the ottoman. Her toe caught the carpet and down she went. She just disappeared behind the ottoman as we heard a light thud.

Silence.

We waited to hear if she was going to get upset.

"Ahhh....man!"

We laughed until we almost cried. I can't wait to see what she'll say next!

Stalker?

You may call it stalking. I call it being lonely.

Wait, that is still pretty stalker-ish to say.

I call it talking pictures of someone when they don't know you are there.

Wait.

Well, I guess I am a stalker. I'm a Lucy stalker. :)

Since I can't go visit Lucy as DayCare anymore (sad), I still walk by occasionally and peak in windows. Alright, alright. That is the epitome of stalker.

Who knew I had an inner creeper this entire time?

I just sometimes wonder what she is doing, if she is having fun, if she misses me, and so on. It's tough being a full-time working mom. I miss her lots of days.

Taking pictures and peaking are my only fix. Creepy or not.

Do you think of your kids all day, while at work? Would you creep too?

The Winds are Changing

The Lucy household is in for some changes in the coming months. We are approaching the age of potty training and binkie removal. I cringe as I type those.

Potty training? I assume it is a lot harder than it seems. I, for one, have always been that person who would be shocked when older children weren't potty trained and would ask other people, "Shouldn't they be potty trained by now?"

Now, I just might have been putting my foot in my mouth all of that time.

I'm nervous.

What if Lucy has a hard time with it? What if it takes forever? She is in daycare, as you know, so the consistency will be a little difficult. And, to be honest, TMI, she has become a little inconsistent in the timing of messy diapers.

I've been told by several people:

"It isn't a big deal."
"Girls are easier than boys."
"I had mine potty trained before they were ___(insert unbelievably early age here)__."

It is a lot of pressure. I just don't want to start too early or start too late. Because according to my Granny, a cousin of mine was started too early, was potty trained for a while, and then reverted back to messing her pants. (haha - no, it wasn't Hannah.)

BabyCenter.com says that you shouldn't start until they are at least 18 months; but, people keep asking me when we are starting and why we haven't started yet. :{ I have to sadly say...I'm a "going by the book" kind of gal, for the most part. I was the youngest in my family, so I didn't really get to experience all of this stuff first hand. All I have are the answers from different mothers (which are always different), or references, like my doctor, BabyCenter.com, or What to Expect....

For Lucy's 18 month "birthday"? She is getting a big'ol potty chair. :) If for nothing else, then to sit on...naked. :)

We'll see how it goes. I'll be sure to let you know how hard or easy the transition is for Lucy and us. Watch - it will be really easy and then our next child will be super difficult (as my mom claimed it was with my sister and me).

As for binkie removal? Ugh...we really need to start weaning her. We've been trying. In fact, a couple of nights ago, I almost put her to bed without it! When I gave it to her, I realized that she hadn't had it the entire night! It was a small achievement. :) Perhaps it will be easier than we thought too...

My biggest worry with it? Is that we use it for this:

Is that awful? haha. Heath calls it "the plug."

Screaming in the grocery store? Oh, just get "the plug."

If you are interested in this particular pacifier, they sell it on Amazon.com for a decent price. :) I think it's great. haha.

The winds are changing...I just don't know if I want to put up my sail up yet or not. :{

Play-Date Gone Selfish

Last night we had a play date. My friend, Crystal, and her son, Ty, came over for dinner. It's been ages since we've seen them and really got to sit and talk. So, we invited them over for supper (chicken alfredo with garlic cheese bread - yum!) and to try out the new playroom.

When they were littler, they basically just tried to eat each other. Ty would try to bite on Lucy's shoulder and she would try to poke him in the eye. They were a mess. haha. Therefore, we tried to keep them at a pretty good distance, just sharing toys and/or food.

Now, I was excited! Ty and Lucy were old enough now that they could just roam the playroom. They could just go crazy. Sure, they might poke each other a little bit; but, after seeing Lucy run over by a plastic car, I thought she could handle it. Plus, Lucy is a product of Daycare! She plays with other children all the time and usually lights up around them! She would be super social.

Or, so I thought...

When Ty and Crystal first arrived, Lucy and Ty were super shy. They just looked at each other.  It only took a few seconds after I turned off Elmo's World, for them to warm up. Lucy walked up to Ty, hit him on the shoulder, he turned around, and she said, "Hi!"

I was so proud! Yay! She was being sweet and social.

When it was time for dinner, they sat across the table from each other. They didn't really "talk" to each other; but, they giggled back and forth a lot. A lot! It was like it was contagious.

Again, yay! She is being social and smiley!

Then, we went to the playroom.

She got so upset with almost everything Ty played with. She specifically clung onto a doll stroller and a blow-up ball, trying to hold onto them both at the same time. If Ty would even put his hand on them, Lucy would squeal at the top of her lungs, very high pitched. Then, she would try to pull it away or hit his hand off.

I was seriously shocked. I had never seen her do that before! Of course I have seen the familiar fit, when we take something away from her. But, I had never witnessed jealousy like this! All I could do was apologize. I just could not believe her behavior.

Then it dawned on us. Perhaps she is like that at Daycare! She just might have turned into a selfish, fit-thrower. We made sure to ask Daycare first thing this morning.

"Does Lucy share?"

"Does she take other childrens' toys away?"

Thank goodness they answered, "Yeah, she shares," and, "No, not really."

We realized that it was all about her own toys - toys that we didn't realize at all that she had an, apparently deep, affinity for! Well, she hasn't ever really had another child in her playroom. She hasn't really ever had to share her toys at home, except with us. So, I guess we wouldn't have known until now.

Who would have known Lucy was a little selfish and was in need of a lesson about sharing?

Heath told her, "Elmo wouldn't be very proud of you right now, Lucy."

Hopefully we can work on it and invite Ty over again some time, if he wants to! We'll see how it goes!

Side note:
I got a new blog design, obviously! Our friend Justin did it for us! And, my wonderful husband helped with incorporating it. Didn't they do a great job? What do you think?  

Also, I got a new button! If you have taken the previous one (the very few of you out there), please replace it with the new one! :) It's a lot cuter! Thanks for the support!

Email subscribers: You will have to stop by and see the new look!

Ignorance Really is Bliss

Lucy got run over by a plastic car.

Yep. You read correctly. I watched as Lucy was smashed by a plastic, toy car.

 Let me explain.

As you may already know, I was Banned from DayCare; therefore, I can't go visit Lucy over my lunch hour anymore (which results in more blog posts - yay?). It was pretty difficult at first; but, Heath and I were beginning to manage pretty well. It was getting easier. But now...the children are going out to the playground during our lunch hour. We can hear them outside playing.

What's the harm in peeking out the window? None. Right?

Wrong.

The window in my office looks directly over the daycare playground. Heath is the one who first looked out and called me over.

"Cori - come look. She is walking around."

Of course I took off running for the window. She was so cute, just walking around in the grass, all wobbly. We were kind of surprised that she was unaccompanied. She was just going about her own business. We would never leave her to herself in our back yard. She'd be eating grass or rocks, or something!

She was walking along the sidewalk while the bigger children played on tricycles and big-wheelers. A few even had those plastic cars - you know, the red ones, with the yellow surround? They were some like those. One kid was pushing a car down the side walk. It was like slow motion.

Lucy was standing at a sidewalk intersection, not even looking at the bigger kid charging her way. My heart was begging for Lucy to move.

Lucy turned and bam. The bigger kid hit her with the car, pretty hard I might add. It knocked her down, flat to her belly, her head only about an inch from hitting the cement, as the kid continued to push the car over top of her.

My baby girl just laid there on the sidewalk with a plastic car over half of her body.

I was instantly...pissed.

I wanted to just go running to her rescue and to scold the older child for being so mean and careless. But, I was two floors up, watching helplessly. I waited...

She didn't cry. Whew...once the kid finally realized that Lucy was too big of a speed bump and backed up, she got up. She gave him a dirty look, which I enjoyed. I was so proud that she didn't cry and was very relieved that she wasn't hurt.

Now, where in the H-E-double-hockey-sticks were the daycare people?

Oh, out of all THREE of them out there, one was with the younger babies, in the stroller (rightfully so). The other two? Talking. Talking? Yep - just chattin' it up on the other side of the playground. There weren't even any children in their view! One had a cellphone in her hand too. She wasn't using it; but, I was still annoyed.

The entire thing happened and no one saw it - but, the second floor window parents (us!).

I knew then that an awkward, passive-aggressive conversation would soon be taking place between me and the director. I wondered how I would explain what happened without being a psycho, protective mommy. I mean, the director wasn't even there at the time.  However, I have to say something. If I achieve nothing else, I just want them to know that we could be watching, always.

If they want to ignore children (which they shouldn't be), at least they will know that they should always be watching Lucy. Her momma's a bit on the crazy side.

After discussion with, the also infuriated, Heath, we decided that perhaps it is better not to watch. Ignorance really just might be bliss...

Oh, who am I kidding? Now, I'm going to be at that window like a hawk!

Banned from DayCare

Alright, so I'm not officially banned, per se.  But, you can decide for yourself.

When I first signed Lucy up for DayCare I had a hard time.  And, yes, again, I am typing a word in my own preference, DayCare, as opposed to Day Care.  I think of it as a noun, and not an adjective and verb; so, I put the words together...I'm odd; I know.  You and spell check will just have to look on with red squiggles of disagreement.

Anyway, back to my story: I had a hard time leaving Lucy at DayCare. It just plain made me sad.  I've discussed it before, here and here. I hate leaving her for so many hours a day and I feel like I am missing out on so much of her life. :(

However, the one big plus was that I got to drop in and visit her!  I would go down for at least half an hour at lunch. And, sometimes I would swing by on my way back from the restroom (since she is in my building at work). It was wonderful!  I would sit and hold her or watch her play. DayCare didn't mind if I stopped in every once in a while.

I remember the first conversation I had with them about stopping in to see her.  When I asked they said:

"You are welcome to come by. But, when she starts standing at the door crying when you leave, you can't visit anymore."

Well, that seemed, fair enough. I had watched parents drop off their bawling, kicking, children at DayCare several times. It was understandable that the DayCare women didn't want to deal with that all the time. They were the ones who had to deal with the fit, noise, and nose blowing.

I just never imagined Lucy would be that way. She loved the other children. she loved the DayCare women. She goes there everyday; it's routine. She would surely understand that we stopped by for lunch and that it wasn't yet time to go home.

Nope. I was wrong. I had apparently refused to accept that this developmental stage was unavoidable and completely disregarded everything that I had studied in college (my major was psychology).

Lucy was slowly showing signs that she was moving into this stage. She wanted to be held more. She was getting more weepy and scared of people that she wasn't around all the time.  She had even started whining 'Momma' or 'Dada' when she was upset. Why didn't I see this coming?

Heath and I were walking on eggshells. We knew that she was in a "delicate" state. So, we started skipping Mondays.  We thought that we'd let her get back into routine a little and then go visit her later in the week. That seemed to work for about a month and a half.

Then, I went to see her the other day. (This is where you can add the dramatic 'Bomp, Bomp, Booooomp' of the timpani.)

Lucy did alright at first. She wanted me to pick her up, and I did. Then we played on the floor. When it was time to leave and as soon as I took one step toward the door,…she flipped! I mean head down, grimace, silent gasp, huge tears, and then the ‘growly’ wail. I immediately snatched her back up and begged her to stop. I knew what it meant.

Sometimes when she was upset, I could give her to the Director and Lucy would stop crying. The Director was one of Lucy’s favorite people. This time, when I handed her off, Lucy had accepted the fact that I was, in fact, leaving; but, she didn't have to be happy about it. Before I even said “Bye”, Lucy was blowing me teary kisses and waving, all while whimpering. I continued to beg her to stop. “It’s okay. Please don’t cry, hunny.”

That is when the Director said it. “You know what we have always said; when they start crying when you leave, you can’t come visit any more.”

I just shook my head up and down and then closed the door. I got about halfway up the first flight of stairs when I heard a very familiar outburst. It was Lucy. :{ I then called Heath to tell him about it.

“Do you think that means that I’m banned?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you really think that they would ever just come out and say that I can’t come back?”

“Probably not. But, it probably means that we shouldn’t visit any more.”

That was not what I wanted to hear. However, I knew he was right. And, I totally understand what DayCare is getting at. And, as Heath pointed out, we don’t want to do that to Lucy either. It’s sad.

So, I am being my dramatic self and saying that I’m banned. My glory days of visiting are over…What will I do with myself at lunch now?! :(


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Paranoia, Paranoia...

...every body's comin' to get me.

As I have previously confessed to my blog readers, I am a paranoid person. The worst. Annoyingly paranoid sometimes.  To boot, my cup often remains half empty. (I'm working on it though! We'll call it somewhat of a New Year's Resolution.)

Any-who, instead of channeling all of my paranoia toward Lucy, I've moved to illnesses. I've never been a hypochondriac; it is the whole idea of, 'it couldn't happen to me.'  Well, lately, I have had these eerie feelings like, "You know what? It could happen to me!" Perhaps now that I am moving out of my young adulthood, into actual adulthood, I am losing my "invincibility."

I had told you about the lump/bump on my breast. And, I strongly encouraged everyone to get questionable things check out.  Well, I didn't exactly listen to my own recommendation...

I have had a weird mole on the back of my leg, more specifically a place that touches the tanning bed. Yes - I tan in a tanning bed occasionally (I know; I know). It has bothered me for years.  Semi-recently, I read another blog about a young mother who had a mole on the back of her leg, put it off, and when she finally went in, she had stage 4 lymphoma.  Yikes!

The mole never seemed to fit into a conversation with my doctor or I would forget about it at during the appointment.  As more time went by it started to really bother me. I would be feeling sick and I would start to blame the mole.  Or, I would be achy and I would blame the mole.  Everything that was wrong with me was somehow related to that thing!  (This may sound somewhat familiar. I used to think everything I felt meant that I was pregnant.)

I had the flu and it passed. I had a sinus infection, gave it to the entire family, and it has almost passed too.  Then, the bumps. I was itching my hand one night watching TV, looked down and I had red bumps all over my thumb.  They itched and then began to hurt and even sting a little. I let it go for a week and a half, and three fingers, before giving in and going to the doctor. Don't fret; they weren't gross or I would have gone sooner.

Ends up, I have a form of Eczema. Joy!  Since when did I become such a medical case?  Good news is: it isn't contagious, isn't a big deal, and it will come and go.  Also, it should stay on my hands and not really move to other areas of my body.

And, I finally had the mole looked at!  It doesn't need to come off right away; but, my doctor wants to remove it next month, just in case.  Whew. That will be nice!

My level of paranoia has gone down; but now, something new happened...

Today, I was sitting on the floor, holding Lucy, and along came a little boy.  He calls Lucy his girlfriend, although she is a year and a half younger. It's cute. He will even come up to her and give her kisses on the cheek sometimes.

Anyway, today, he was super affectionate. He bent over, gave her a kiss, very close to her mouth. This time, he kept his eyes open, unlike before (haha). He then stood back up, smiled at me, put his finger in his nose, pulled out a booger, ate it, and ran away.

"Hmmmm......gross"...that was about the reaction I had. I don't know what to think. How am I supposed to feel about this one?  Technically my paranoia should be off the charts. Why isn't it? He ate his own booger less than 2 feet away from me. 

I guess I figure with DayCare this type of thing happens all the time.  Plus, the little boy is clean, he just apparently eats his own boogers...

I should be freaking out right?  Or not? Should I worry about Lucy getting sick and germy?

Heath laughed when I told him. I don't think he's too concerned. 

What do you think? Is my paranoia radar broken today?

I Want My Mommy...

Ah, how many times have we been holding some one's child and they utter those words.....or worse, the child just lets out a gigantic wail. Both result in a blood-curdling cry that encourages all those in ear-shot to run.

Well, although very uncomfortable for the so-called "stranger" trying to hold the child, it has to be a little nice for the mommy (or daddy). The baby, or tot in some cases, finds so much comfort in their mother's arms. What a wonderful feeling! To know that of all the people in the world, they trust you the most. They rely on you to protect them, to take care of them, they ultimately love you more than anyone else in the world!

I never knew how beautiful the words "she wants her mommy" sounded, until now.

Lucy is a good girl. She lets out an occasional wail or two at people when she is cranky; but, otherwise, she likes everyone. I honestly believe that a bum off the street could walk up, take her out of my arms and she'd just poke at his scraggly facial hair. Alright, perhaps she has a little bit more of a 'stranger-danger' radar than that; but, you get my point.

I'm pretty sure daycare has made her that way. There are the main women who work in daycare that she knows very well and then, there are the other, part-time ladies that are always in and out and changing.

Sometimes I get sad because she doesn't seem to really prefer me. When I walk into a room, she smiles at me; but, then she'll do it to a stuffed animal too. So, my high goes right out the window. A few weeks ago she even started raising her arms for me to pick her up! That felt wonderful! She wanted me to hold her - yay! :) Now, she only does it sometimes.....which usually results in me saying something along the lines of, "Oh come here, ya turd...."

Perhaps when she gets older, bumps her head, or is scared, she'll find comfort in her mommy's arms. And, perhaps 9 months old is just an oblivious age, where she doesn't really care who's around. And, perhaps, I think WAY too much. :) Just perhaps.

I know I mean the world to that beautiful little girl; but, I sure wish she still liked to cuddle, like when she was really little. And, I cannot wait until she knows how to give hugs!

So, next time that you are semi-uncomfortable holding a wiggly child who wants their mommy, remember: it makes the mommy feel great! :)

UPDATE: Lucy is army crawling like crazy! She even sometimes gets herself into a bear-crawl position. She can go from crawling to sitting and wants so bad to pull herself up. Also, she is eating puffs and putting them in her mouth on her own! There are lots of changes going on in our house and more baby proofing has to be done. Exciting times!

Did I mention Christmas is coming soon? :)

DayCare Bullying

Again, last week I was reminded why I never wanted to be an elementary school teacher.

Heath had gone out to lunch with his co-workers; so, I went down to see Lucy by myself. I admit, it’s a bit awkward without Heath. He engages in small talk and plays with the other children. I will flash a smile or goofy face at some of them occasionally; but, I am just not very good with little kids – especially a lot of them.

Each of the daycare helpers had a baby in hand and all the little toddlers were running about. It was Friday; therefore, there weren’t that many children. They were able to all play together, instead of the usual baby-toddler separation. Lucy was in an ‘exersaucer’ just bouncing her little heart out. It was adorable (to say the least). Frankly, I was just pleased that she wasn’t on the floor, getting trampled by the “walkers.”

First, I picked her up out of the saucer and gave her squeezes and told her how much I loved and missed her. Then, I sat down with her in front of the mirror. She loves to look at herself and I get a thrill out of watching her giggle and smile – so, that’s where we landed. We laughed and played in our own little spot when another little girl came over. I am not sure how old the girl is; but, I would guess 2 or 2 ½. Honestly, she may be a little older; let’s just say, she is old enough to know better. She talks in full sentences, clear as day. She is coordinated and plays with dolls like she’s playing house. So, after further review, she is probably 3 or 3 ½. Anyway, you get the picture…

This particular girl, we’ll call her Mary, has always been on my radar. She has been spotted picking on the babies in the past – by me that is. The daycare personnel are constantly hollering her name, “Mary, no. Maa-rry, no. Don’t do that!”

This summer, when there were fewer children, I used to watch her. She’d push the swings too fast, with babies in them. She’d throw blankets on their faces or take away their toys. I even alert one of the daycare providers to break up a ‘situation’ one day, where Mary was hitting another, younger toddler repeatedly on the head with a toy. It was sad to even watch. The other toddler was defenseless.

Other times, it seemed like Mary was trying to play house with the babies, but was just too rough. Regardless, I didn’t want her around Lucy.

Mary was a bully! Take that back, Mary is a bully.

So, on this particular day, sitting with Lucy, minding our own business, I was not amused with Mary.

She came over and kept throwing all the toys off the shelf – even the ones Lucy was playing with. I kept giving her this look, like, “go away, we are playing here.” After reflection, it’s obvious she is too young to pick-up on my snide looks. Oh well, it made me feel better. I stayed calm. I wanted to tell her to knock it off and that Lucy was playing with those toys first. However, that’s not my job and Mary’s not my child. It went unnoticed by everyone else - oddly enough too; she was making a lot of noise.

I abandoned the mirror and shelf toys. I took Lucy back over to the exersaucer. While Lucy bounced I showed her the different toys, surrounding it. Then, there she was – Mary. She started playing with the toys that Lucy was playing with – the ones connected to the saucer that Lucy was in!

Is it horrible of me to not like a little kid?

It’s the parents. She wants attention. It doesn’t happen when I’m gone. Lucy didn’t care. There was no harm done. These are all things I keep repeating to myself. But, seriously, Mary looks at me and my first thought is – troublemaker! I am surrounded by complete and utter annoyance.

Dramatic overreaction – got it!

It just makes me realize that Lucy is going to get picked on and I won’t be there to protect her. Mary is the first of probably several. I hate it. I want to protect her, especially now, since she can’t even comprehend the whole ‘sharing’ idea or stick up for herself and tell Mary to get lost.

Have you ever experienced this? How should I react when I am witnessing this behavior? I feel like a jerk telling daycare, “Mary keeps taking Lucy’s toys away.” What am I? Four?

Help! I have a daycare bully!

Mommy Confessions and Possible Ramblings

I’ve decided that I’m my own worst critic. I judge my ‘mothering’ skills way more than anyone else does – or so I think. Although, I did offer to change Lucy’s diaper at Daycare the other day (since she went while I was holding her) and the one woman stood next to me the whole time I changed it. I completely felt like I was in some type of diaper changing contest. I think I only scored a 5 on speed and maybe a 6 on technique. It was crazy how it had me all sorts of rattled. I know it seems stupid, but I am a first-time mother. I can’t help but question myself around ‘older’ moms.

On with my story……

I often visit BabyCenter.com and enjoy the different facets of their site; it was a great lunchtime visit when I was pregnant. They have this one area of polls where moms confess their ‘bad’ techniques and other moms ‘vote’ to admit whether they too had done it. Basically, it makes you feel less guilty when you see that 86% of other moms do it too!

Last night, was a Lucy and mommy night. Heath has been hanging out with his sister’s boyfriend lately. They are on a men’s, slow-pitch softball team. I don’t ask a lot of questions; I just allow the man time he needs. So, it leaves Lucy and me alone for nights of bonding. She wasn’t awake for very long after he left though. Once I laid her down, I quickly grabbed her video monitor, my bottle of water, and a snack. I made my own little ‘veg station’ in our living room, with the Chihuahuas curled up next to me. I had hooked the computer up to the TV and I was officially ready to watch numerous episodes of ‘Greek’ on hulu.com.

I think I watched three episodes before I thought I should peel myself off the couch. That darn show is so addictive (I recommend it to anyone though! :)). I, then, thought I would hurry and clean up before Heath got home and he saw that I was a slug all evening. I cleaned up the living room, got rid of the lazy evidence, and took several items to their rightful homes. The dishes went to the sink, my kicked off sandals went to the bedroom, and my snack wrappers went to the bottom of the trashcan. Alright, I’m lying; I couldn’t hide the finished off box of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch!

It seemed everything was in place – time to nab the laptop and settle into my new lazy spot in the bedroom. Oops, one more stop; the dogs have to go to the bathroom. Hurry up, Chico! Jeez, doesn’t he know that I have some valuable Greek to be watching. We finally made our way to the bedroom; “elevator!” I call to them while standing next to the bed. They know that this means I will pick them up and put them on the bed. They “‘take the elevator”, haha – our family is just corny like that! ;)

I was ready for another episode! I had all my essentials….wait…Lucy. I glanced around the room. Are you kidding me? No monitor. I remembered my water bottle, hair ties, sandals, a magazine, the laptop, the Chihuahuas, and I forgot about Lucy. I left her video monitor in the living room. Wow. I immediately felt guilty. How could I get so wrapped up in television and cleaning that I forgot about Lucy? I felt and still feel so guilty about it. How could I let her leave my mind, even if it was for a second?

I keep telling myself that it is alright. It means that I am finally comfortable and feel like she is safe in her crib, alone. Lots of people don’t even have monitors. I could have heard her if she would have started crying, so it isn’t like she was necessarily ‘unsupervised.’ Are these just excuses to justify bad behavior? I can’t help but doubt myself. Once again – first time mother here people!

At least I didn’t got to Paris for the holidays with the rest of my family and leave her at home, alone. ;) Okay, okay, I better end this post before the corniness gets too out of control!