Sacrifice

We aren’t supposed to talk about the sacrifices we make to be mothers.

Yes – we will acknowledge that we give up our bodies (ugh!), our money, and our free-time. And, of course, we follow up any complaint with, “But, I’d do it all again for those beautiful babies!”

And, that last part is true.

Well, it’s true for me, and I think most mothers. You love those babies so much it hurts. The thought of losing them cuts deep, deep into your soul; it takes you to such a dark place that you can’t even fathom the possibility of it. 

But, at the risk of sounding ungrateful, I’m going to talk about the other sacrifices we make as mothers. 

When I considered having children, people would drop little hints of the unknown sacrifices. But, with a huge smile on their face and a giggle, they would say, “But, it is the most wonderful thing in the world!” Which, it really is the most wonderful thing in the world…Yet, I soon realized that the snicker, that little laugh, that was a tiny concealed glimpse into reality. They giggled, because it’s hell, and you just may lose yourself in the process. 

Let’s talk a little more about how you sacrifice your time. No, not just that the hours you used to spend watching television or going out. You give up every single minute of every single day. If you aren’t with the kids, you are cleaning up after them, washing their clothes, preparing snacks for school, washing jerseys, laying out clothes for tomorrow, and so on. You try to have adult conversations with your husband, but even those will be interrupted with multiple taps on the hip or a billion, “Mamma. Mamma. Mammas.” Even sleeping is not safe. You will find yourself getting angrily shaken awake multiple times a night, and no night’s sleep is ever guaranteed.

And, in your sleepless state, you will sacrifice your mind. The kids have made me a bit crazy, yes. However, what I mean is: you never think the same way again. The world becomes so much more terrifying. The metal slide you once looked at with nostalgia, has become a tetanus nightmare of heat and sharp edges. That weird old man that you’d just walk by with a nod and a half-smile…is a potential child-abductor. And, anytime you watch the news, you get sick to your stomach thinking about raising your children in this world we live in.  And, if your perspectives haven’t changed, then your thoughts have. Because, once you have kids, every second of every single day (broken record!), you think about them. It’s not obsessive. But, everything you do is in consideration of them. Even planning a night out…where will the kids go? Are they all healthy? Will the sleep well? What should I pack? Should I send snacks with them? What time do I have to be back to pick them up? Should we leave their car seats? Will they be able to get ahold of us? Should we not drink, just in case there is an emergency?

Sometimes, instead of the planning, you sacrifice your plans. I think this one is probably pretty taboo to even mention. And, it is very likely that I am just a selfish person, which I wouldn’t completely disagree with…

Not too long ago, we had some friends getting together. It’s the middle of winter; so, we all have a bit of cabin-fever. Heath and I were feeling overwhelmed with the house, our work, the kids’ winter craziness, and so on. Going out with some friends and having a laugh sounded great. But, we couldn’t find a sitter. We had to bow out, while other friends still got together. And…it made me mad. I was mad that we couldn’t go.

I was ever madder that no one ever told me that I would feel that way. I knew that I had to give up going out, unless I found a sitter. But, no one said, “You are really going to need a break, and sometimes you just won’t be able to do anything that you want to do, and it sucks.” Because, that’s true. There are days, weeks even, that I don’t do anything that I want to do. Most days I can squeeze in some of my garbage television programs or some Pinterest surfing after bedtime. But, other days I do nothing “for me.” 

And, as far as Heath goes? Ha! Heath who? Oh, the guy I wake up every night, when crawling into bed late, because I insist on staying up to have five seconds to myself? Oh, yeah, that guy. I wouldn’t know, because I have sacrificed my relationship too – or, at least parts of it. That may be a bit dramatic. But, I believe it to be mostly true. We have to literally work on ways to connect. We have to make effort to even have conversations! We have to have date nights, and daily texts, just to feel like we are doing more than co-parenting as really great roommates. And, full-disclosure, sex becomes this quiet, rushed thing, which happens in the same place, behind a locked door. Anything more is just gonna have to wait until the kids are out of the house, or we’re 50…

Now, this isn’t supposed to be a “don’t have kids” post. Because, they are wonderful and they make my heart so incredibly full, and I seriously would do it again. But….we have to stop making it seem easy. I feel like our generation is the first to stand up and be like, hey! WTF? This is way harder than anyone said it was going to be and anyone else made it look. Everyone has been hiding the work, the difficulty, the struggle. It isn’t realistic, and exactly who are we hiding it for?

It is hard. It is so hard. It’s time. It’s money. It’s work. It’s patience. And, it is a lot of sacrifice.

I’d do it again. Yes. But, I’d be lying if I wasn’t mad sometimes about how much I have to give. I give, and I give, and I give. And, sometimes, I just want to do what I want to do. And, sometimes, I get mad that I can’t. And, that’s okay. It is okay to feel selfish. We signed up for this, yes. But, we didn’t decide to bottle our feelings and pretend they don’t exist.

So, let’s stop pretending that we’re all happy to give our everything. Because, I for one, struggle with it sometimes. And, I can’t be the only one…

(Oh, and, a little thank you from the kids would help too. That should happen sometime…hmmm…never.)

The Decision to be a Stay-At-Home Mom

I have been a stay-at-home mother (SAHM) for almost four years. That seems kind of crazy to even type. Four years. Wow. While I feel like I am finally getting the hang of being a SAHM, I also am not at all getting the hang of it. I am convinced that I may never be used to this ever-changing role that I have taken on. Life is that way, though, right? As soon as you feel like you have established some type of routine, you get that curve ball that resets everything.

(Type A cringe of grand proportion)

I have been wanting to address my/our decision for me to stay home ever since the decision was made. 

I’m telling you now, this post will be long - like six Word pages long. And, before I jump in, I am gonna say that I am in no way trying to guilt working mothers or convince them to stay home. I think you are amazing and I am in awe of you every day. I have been blessed to be both a working mother and a SAHM. Both are awesome and make me proud to be a woman/mother. As Beyonce would ask, "Who run the world?!"

The first time Heath and I discussed me becoming a stay-at-home mother, I had just had Lucy and was returning to work after an eight-week maternity leave. I struggled putting Lucy in daycare. If you at all read my blog back in 2011, you know how much I struggled. I just couldn’t get over it. But, many other apprehensions won out each time it was discussed and, well, I continued to work. With Olive’s birth, we visited the discussion again. At this point, we had become quite financially “comfortable,” and the idea seemed even further from a reality. I actually liked my job at that time and the people I worked with. The daycare was in my building and since Heath worked at the same place, we rode to and from work together. It really was a great situation for a working mother. It seemed stupid to walk away from something so seemingly ideal.

Then, without going into much detail, I became unhappy in my working role. It became very apparent to me, and every single person around me, that it was time for me to transition to something else. That very difficult point in my life was what pushed me to make the decision that I had been avoiding for many years – five years actually. I was pregnant with our youngest and again, Heath asked me, “Do you want to stay home?”

Every time I heard that question uttered, I immediately became nervous. I can distinctly recall moments in the car, on the way home from work, physically trembling with fear just talking about it. I had several concerns, and fears, and irrational worries. I have decided to share a few with you. Or, maybe ten...

1)      Money

The number one concern was an obvious one – money. We needed to figure out if we could even make it work, financially. I knew that we could, in a grand sense. However, we had certainly become accustomed to a certain lifestyle. Were we ready to take that cut?

Four years later…
I do not take this point of discussion lightly. Honestly, when it comes to a two-income family, having one of them stay at home is sometimes not even an option. The fact that it was even a consideration for us, was and is a blessing.

At first, it was a huge adjustment that we took on as a challenge. It was actually kind of fun. I took my monthly “allowance” and knew that with every dollar saved, I could celebrate with that money – a night out, a new gadget, some type of splurge, and so on. I wasn’t sure if I could keep up the momentum, but was willing to give it a go. Thankfully, we saved a lot of money right away. Daycare for three children was going to be about 30-40% of my salary anyway. So, there was a huge savings. And, I didn’t need to buy work clothes any longer. My dream of living in Target yoga pants and cheap sweatshirts was now a reality. But, most of all, we were no longer using our money to make us happy.

When I was working, I became extremely unhappy. I was stressed, and pregnant, and working in graduate school, and took my anger/sadness/discontentment home with me every single night. We got home at 5:30 PM, unloaded and settled in by 6 PM, and the last thing I wanted to do was put a meal on the table. So, we ordered out a lot. A lot. I mean, A LOT. I think we were spending almost $600 a month on just eating out. We would justify it with working so hard. We had also started justifying big splurges too. When you work your ass off and are unhappy, you buy things to try and fill your cup. You feel like you deserve it; you work all the time and deserve to use some of it on something that makes you happy, right?  Well, we immediately stopped doing that. Mostly because we had to; but, we soon realized that we didn’t need to anymore. With me staying home, we were now happy without the splurging; we were content.

I must also mention that we were very fortunate in our path. It wasn’t long after I started staying home that Heath applied for and received a new job. It has been an amazing blessing in our lives in so many ways. Moreover, it did relieve quite a bit of the financial strain as well. Then, I applied for and received the opportunity to teach online courses as an adjunct faculty member at a local institution. It is sporadic and not a guaranteed income, but it helps financially (and I love it and hope to elaborate more on that another time).

2)      Judgment from other People – Society

I kept wondering what other people might think about my decision. Would everyone think I was lazy? Would they think that I got fired? Would they think that I wasn’t smart enough? And also, for me, I was in the middle of a graduate program. The idea that I might start staying home and not “using” my degree, at least right away, seemed silly.

Four years later…
I still struggle with this. Because, let’s be honest, society is judgmental. SAHMs and working mothers both get judgement. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. For me, I am very insecure about this point in particular. When I thought about people asking me what I did for a living, I would feel sick. How could I say, “I stay at home”? Looking back, I think I may have judged SAHMs a bit too. I don’t even know why exactly; I guess it felt like the “right side” to be on. I blame ignorance. 

The entire idea of being scared of what society might think makes me laugh now. As I have become more comfortable in this role, and found other BA SAHMs out there, I don’t feel embarrassed or apologetic. I feel empowered and ready to fight ‘em on it. I am not lazy. I am educated. I am organized. And, WE ARE HAPPY. Period. That is all that matters. It was right for our family. It isn’t right for everyone. But, for us, it is.

3)      Judgment from other People – Our Family

Thinking about how Heath’s family might react scared me. Would they think that I was “taking advantage” of him? Would they think I should be doing more, financially, to contribute? And, of course, would they think I was just being lazy?

Four years later…
I was absolutely terrified to tell our family that I was going to be staying home. I made Heath tell his parents. I stressed how important it was for him to let them know he was supportive of the idea. Because, that was KEY. If he didn’t support the idea, it wouldn’t work. While I “run the show” at home. None of this is even possible without Heath. I acknowledge that and probably don’t thank him enough for it. 

In the beginning, while everyone was nice about it, I could see the fear in their eyes. They were scared for us. We had a nice home, I was in graduate school, and we had a third baby on the way. No one really knew what our finances were; but, I’m sure it appeared scary from the outside! The fear was again reignited when we decided to take on a fixer-upper, and had two mortgages for a brief period.

You can really only do so much to give family comfort. It took time, I think, before they could see that we are doing alright. And, it took time to see how much happier we became. 

4)      What if I am not meant to be a SAHM?

What if the idea of staying home seems great, but I wasn’t meant for it? I am not much of a “kid person” - really. That sounds terrible; but, I’m not. I ruled out being an Elementary School Teacher many, many years ago. So, what if I was just not built for this? What if I quit my job and hated being at home? It’s not like you can just go back to your old job and be like, “Ooops. Never mind.” And, finding a new job that I liked and was paid similarly was not guaranteed. 

Four years later…
If I said that my first months were easy, I’d be lying. It takes some time to get used to being at home. I felt guilty for any second that I wasn’t doing something. I would basically follow the kids around, picking up anything and everything, making sure the house was spotless. Moments that I now realize are necessary for recharging and sanity, I would fill with multiple activities each day. While Heath never said a word to me about it, I always felt this immense pressure to have the house looking beautiful and have dinner on the table when he came home. That was my new job, right?

Heath has said many, many times that he doesn’t expect anything. And, thank the Lord for him, because you know what? Life still happens. Some days I don’t get everything done. And, sometimes things come up. And, sometimes the kids have bad days. And, sometimes I have bad days. And, sometimes we make frozen pizza for dinner. When I finally embraced that idea, I embraced the reason for staying home. The priority for me was the kids.

Yes, staying home has also allowed me to get more things done during the day, to allow for more family time in the evenings. It allows me to be more involved with the kids’ school lives. And, I could list about a billion other things it gives me the opportunity to do. Bottom line is: I gambled and I won. I love staying at home. And, also, after being at home…I’m still not a kid person. Turns out, you don’t have to be. I just have to be a “my kids” person.

5)      Adult Interaction

Being a working mother, you aren’t necessarily privy to all of the SAHM mother programs or activities, day-time volunteer opportunities, or who to even call for play-dates. Everyone I was really good friends with and all of my family, at that time, worked. I would be at home with a 2.5 year old and a baby full-time; my five year old would be there when not in school. Could Heath carry the entire load of my conversational yearning?

Four years later…
I struggled a lot in the first year. I had a newborn too; so, that may have been a lot of the issue. But, mostly, I was not familiar with the SAHM “scene.” Where do I meet other moms? Is there an app that will match me with them? Swipe left? Right?

It was a blessing that a friend of mine suggested our local MOPs group (Moms of Preschoolers). We meet once a month and I absolutely love it. I look so forward to the meetings; but, it has linked me to other SAHMs in the area. I now have a weekly women’s group I attend, and many numbers to text for impromptu play dates.

SAHM full-disclosure: playdates are totally not for the kids, y’all. They are for our sanity. And, maybe a tiny bit for the kids…I mean, they usually sleep better burning off all that energy...

I also decided to just be more open to social interaction. If another mom started up a conversation at t-ball practice, I welcomed it. I never had a reason to seek out new friendships before. Now, it seems like I have so many, and I have so many people to reach out to for anything. My support system grew considerably! 

I don’t like to give advice, but I’m gonna. (Actually, I love to give advice, but acknowledge, like, who am I to be giving advice? Anyway, here is my advice…) If you are invited to something, go. I mean, if the only thing that keeps you from going is social anxiety and the fear of being awkward, then please try it. I am SO awkward. You have no idea! And, I am so glad I chose to say yes and to go. The first couple of times are scary and weird; but, you WILL figure out who you have commonalities with. It won’t take long before you…dare I say it?... "find your tribe.”

6)      My Husband Might Resent Me

I worried that Heath my start to resent me at some point. The first time we had to say no to a purchase, because it wasn’t in the budget, would he be mad that I wasn’t working? Seeing other people go on expensive vacations or buying this or that, would he be upset with our decision? And, when I was able to sleep-in, or do something fun with the kids, would he be angry that I got to do it and not him? 

Four years later…
Heath truly might resent me. In the depths of his soul, there may be some resentment. I don’t know unless he tells me. And, I check in on it from time to time. Heath consistently tells me that he is happy with our set-up, that I can stay home with our children. He is happy with all of it. And, I believe him. I know that there is always the possibility that he may someday change his tune. So, I just make sure that I remember such. I try to make extra time for him. I try to be thoughtful. And, I say, “Yes, you deserve it,” when he suggests buying something for himself – most of the time that is…

7)      A Resume Gap

I had a big worry that I would have a resume gap, which I wasn’t even sure at that time how big of a gap that might be! I was concerned that when I decided to jump back into the workforce, people wouldn’t respect the gap and my reason for it – especially men. And, was I ready to start out at a base salary again, and being older this time around?

Four years later…
As mentioned, I was fortunate enough to eventually start a part-time gig. But, before that, I decided to keep my resume alive by volunteering. I was able to apply for and get a position on a local board for a non-profit organization. It was something that related to my work experience, was something that I was passionate about, and gave me an outlet for that yearning to work. That last part probably sounds silly. But, after my first couple of meetings, I told Heath, I just liked the strategic thought and being able to use my work experience and degree in some way. It was a nice fulfillment for me. I got to be successful outside the home as well.

I have also become so comfortable in my role at home that I've become quite defiant about it. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. The more you love your decisions, the less you care what other people think about them. So, if you stay home and you have a resume gap, and a potential boss doesn’t respect it, then what does that say about them? It would indicate that they aren’t going to be A) a decent person to work for, or B) understanding when it comes to family needs. So, maybe you don’t want to work for them anyway… 

8)      I Cheated My Older Children

Since I didn’t make this decision earlier, when my girls were born, if I stayed home with the youngest, did I cheat the others? Will this make me even sadder about missing out on the time my girls spent at daycare? 

Four years later…
I don’t know if I can or will ever overcome this insecurity. Because it is just that. It is something that I personally deal with. I know other mothers who did the opposite of me; they stayed home with older children and then worked while the younger ones went to daycare. And, what it comes down to is doing what is right for our families. I believe in God’s plan and His timing. We weren’t necessarily in the position for me to stay home before, and I don’t know if I would appreciate staying home as much had I not experienced what I did. God is in control and I’ll know if and when it’s time to make another shift.

9)      Am I Thickening that Glass Ceiling?

I had previously experienced outright sexism in the workplace, more than once. I won’t go into details; but, I was told that since I was a female and someone else was a male, that [this] is how it was going to be. If I quit, was I just perpetuating the stereo-type? It felt like by staying home, I was telling everyone that I “wasn’t right for the workplace” and “my place was at home.” 

Four years later…
Turns out, my place is at home - but, not for the reasons that sexist turd-bag implied…

I don’t believe that SAHMs are “less-than.” And, maybe I am perpetuating some stereo-type by staying home. But, I believe that I could become the first female president tomorrow, and those stereo-types will still exist. All I can do is continue to fight for women who want to do more, and empower my girls. We don’t have to do ALL things that men do. But, we should be able try, if we want, right? And, it goes the other way too, men. Stay-at-home Dads, are ya with me?!

10)   Independence

If I stayed home, I would be 100% financially dependent on Heath. I trust my husband. I do. Really. But, giving up all independence is kinda terrifying. What if I stay home, face many of the aforementioned concerns, and then Heath finds himself a 20-something-hottie to leave me for? To Heath, this concept is laughable. Literally, every time I have mentioned this idea, he laughs at me. I didn’t, or don’t, truly believe it would happen. But, I mean…I am a realist as well and I am not going to say that it is impossible. I would be trying to jump back into the work-force and adjusting to my own, likely lower than before, female (78 cents on the dollar) salary - all while adjusting to all the other issues a separation brings. 

It was a very small, in the depths of my mind, concern.

Four years later…
I have to trust Heath. I have to let go and let God. There are some things you just can’t obsess about. This, coming from someone who obsesses about everything! But, really, I can’t dwell on an insecurity. If I continue to work on my marriage, and just keep trying, then I can feel content with my efforts. You can only do so much; I am not in control of other people’s actions, and I never will be – no matter how much I would like to be sometimes. So, I try my best and that’s all I can do. And, I respect that.

_____________________________________________

It might be time, or age. But, I am finding comfort and contentment with my decisions. My life. My thoughts. All of it. I know that our life can turn upside down at any minute. I’ve witnessed it. I just continue to have faith in my family, my support system, myself, and most importantly, God. 

And again, working moms, you are killin' it. The grass is green over here. But, your grass is green too. Different greens, but both green. I promise.

Loss

I debated a few times whether to title this post "Loss" or "Lost."

I guess I should first tell you that this is not a fun story. It is in no way exciting or upbeat. Please do not expect it to be so.

A few weeks ago I was late. And, by late, you know what I mean. I haven't been keeping track of my cycle, so I wasn't exactly sure how late I was. But, Heath and I were fairly certain that there was no need to consider the alternative to having a period; because, we had been careful. As days passed, Heath finally woke me up in the middle of the night one early morning. He insisted that I take a pregnancy test the next morning. I agreed.

I woke up early the next morning and thought about what Heath had said. It got into my head and I couldn't get back to sleep. So, I hopped out of bed and took one. I was shocked. I have taken these many times before. I usually pee, wait, try to decide if a line is showing or not...not this time. As soon as the wetness hit that line, it immediately read positive. I was, well, shocked. I guess Heath and I hadn't been as careful as we thought.

I ran to the stairs and yelled at Heath. He said he just knew it; he was so excited. I was still shocked and well, overwhelmed. I am a planner. It was not in sync with my plan. I had just started graduate school. Olive wasn't even one year old yet. We didn't have a vehicle that could fit three car seats. All three of them would be in high school at one time. I was just overwhelmed.

Heath had a golf tournament that day. So, I was home alone. I literally just sat around all day, freaking out. My heart would race. I was so worried about being able to handle it all. I was afraid that people would call us crazy.

As time passed, we told more and more family and friends. I was excited. Babies are miracles and the best blessings! However, I was not at all prepared for the responsibility and was still worried about it. I kept telling myself that by April, we would be ready. Heath was so excited. I'll be honest; he didn't seem this excited with either of the girls. He just knew this one was a boy. Since it wasn't planned, it was so much more exciting to him. Since it wasn't planned, I was having a much harder time wrapping my brain around it.

I went to the doctor to have it confirmed. I had another freak out moment at the doctor's, when she told me congratulations. I just couldn't believe it was all real. Could I do this?

We weren't really sure when exactly I got pregnant. And, my last period was really light. So, Dr. B suggested that I get an ultrasound. Then, we could know how far along I was. I was excited at the chance of this. I had never had one this early. So, around, what I would guess was at 8 weeks or so, I went in with Heath for an ultrasound.

Checking in was normal. We joked around about twins and wondered if I could really be 12 weeks along or so. We guessed a due date of around April 25th.

"What pregnancy is this for you?"

"My third."

"Two live births?"

"Yes."

"Any miscarriages?"

"No."

We started with a normal ultrasound of my stomach. I had no idea what we were looking at. It was all blobs to me. I did see a blob once that I was guessing might be a little baby spec. But, the tech didn't say anything. She measured stuff. She looked at the colors, which if I recall correctly was blood flow. I felt really uneasy about her demeanor. She wasn't talking us through it at all. I was then asked to go to the restroom and wrap up in a sheet for an internal ultrasound. Once in the bathroom, I could hear her ask for someone else to come into the room.

I tried to talk myself through my uneasiness. I was being paranoid. You know me. I was always worried about this stuff. I came back out and another woman had joined us. They just stared at the screen. They didn't turn it toward us. They didn't say, "Here is your baby." Nothing. I tried to read their faces. It was just stone-cold silence.

I looked at Heath and mouthed, "Is everything okay?"

The tech caught me and asked if I was comfortable. I said, "Yes; I am just worried about all of this."

She didn't respond.

The other woman left the room.

I was fairly certain that I knew at that moment. This wasn't good.

The other woman came back into the silent room.

She asked if I was going to see Dr. B after the ultrasound. I was going to. She said that Dr. B wanted to talk to me about today's results.

I asked, "You can't tell me anything?"

The tech looked at me, curled her mouth downward and said, "We aren't picking up a heartbeat. There was a pregnancy. The baby is measuring 6 weeks and 4 days, but that is as far as this baby got."

I started to sob, hard.

Heath rubbed my arm. He was so strong for me. He kept telling me that everything was going to be okay.

They asked if we needed a moment and I just cried on Heath's shoulder. I had done this. I was overcome with guilt. I had worried about it too much. I had treated this baby like an inconvenience in "my planned out life." I had acted like it didn't fit into my story. The guilt came rushing over me. This was my fault.

They had asked if I wanted ultrasound pictures. I did. I got two pictures of our baby - Baby Christiansen #3. I had already started taking pregnancy photos and filling out a belly book. We had already made plans for this baby - the car seat, when to buy his or her crib, and so on. It wasn't something that we could just ignore and pretend didn't happen or exist.

I took my photos and a book they gave us, "Dealing with Miscarriage," and walked out into the hallway. I quickly tucked the purple book into my bag. I didn't want everyone to see the woman with the purple book and know what had happened.

We got to the car and cried some more. Heath told me that it wasn't my fault. He was just so incredibly strong for me. He kept it together for me and allowed me to sob on his shoulder uncontrollably. I really couldn't ask for a better husband or father for my children.

We finally met with Dr. B. She echoed Heath's comments to me. "This is not your fault. It is nothing you did."

She said I had a bleed. That is fairly common. But, it was too close to the baby and the baby wasn't able to develop. We didn't really ask questions at that point.

I felt so guilty. I had sat in her office less than a week before, crying because I was so overwhelmed. Now, I was sitting here, babyless. How ungrateful am I?! What a terrible person I was. I did want that baby! I did! I loved that baby. I prayed for it.

We discussed the actual miscarrying. I still haven't miscarried. I am carrying around our baby. I am still carrying it with me. The thought of this, just breaks my heart.

I chose to miscarry naturally if I could. I hear that it can be quite emotional and traumatic. I can't bear to think of it. I just want to get it over with and start to feel closure with this loss.

Right now though, I am lost. I don't really know how to move forward. I can't sit still for too long or I start to think about it. I get upset. As quickly as I knew this baby was here, it was gone.

I am just trying to keep busy in the meantime. Heath and I don't really know how to move forward while something like this is still looming. Please just pray for us. We need all the support we can get. Despite what Heath tells me, I still have moments of incredible guilt. How dare I question God's plan? But, again, this must have been his plan. I am still trying to figure out why we were to experience this. I hope he speaks to us soon.

Thank you for all of your prayers. We will make it through this. We are a strong family. Please, if you see me, do not ask me how I am doing. I may just break down into tears. I prefer not to do this in public. I hope that isn't a selfish request...

I hope I can feel "normal" again soon. Before now, I thought that miscarriages were commonplace. I felt sad for them, but I didn't realize how a loss such as this can make you feel so lost.

I debated sharing our story. I thought that it might help me in some way. I like to know that I have a support system out there, praying for us. I am also so forthcoming with you guys about my pregnancies and our life changes. I felt that I needed to share this too, in a way. I thought too that perhaps writing it down might make it feel a little more real to me...I don't know. I just don't know...

Thankful Calendar

After yesterday's post about Halloween, I thought I should "get up with the times" and discuss Thanksgiving. What a wonderful time of year, right?

This year, I saw on Pinterest.com a 'Thankful Calendar.' Every day until Thanksgiving, you would write down what you were thankful for and put it on the calendar. It is a countdown I guess. Although we really should be thankful every day, it's hard to stop sometimes and just thank the Lord. We are so incredibly blessed in our lives, or at least I feel like I am. I try very hard not to take it for granted. We all forget sometimes though. I recently saw a pin that said, Only in the U.S. would we spend a day being thankful for what we have, then spend the entire next day trampling over each other for new stuff. True story! But, I still love Black Friday. :)

Anyway, I want to just state right now that I am not crafty. I do not have the patience and I don't have a lot of craft items on hand. For example, I've never owned a bottle of Mod Podge in my life. I just got a glue gun a couple of years ago, from my mom, and I burn myself incessantly!

So, I thought that when Lucy and I made this, we were doing pretty well:

We decided to hang it on the fridge, at least this year. As you will also notice, I created the calendar for up to the 24th, rather than the 22nd that Thanksgiving is on this year. I hope to reuse this calendar in the future and added a couple more days. Each day, we all say what we are thankful for. Since 'family, friends, four-legged family members and friends, food, shelter, faith, and a few others, are already written on our calendar (not in the picture; I added more after I took it), we try to think of other things - small things in life that often go unappreciated.

Heath has been thankful for daycare, technology, football, stuff like that. I've been thankful for cell phones, cars, and baking. We usually explain them a little bit to each other, but just write down a word or two. Lucy's are great! They make me laugh. She always says, "Mommy, Daddy, and baby Olive." It makes my heart melt with love, while wanting to burst with pride! But, she has also said, Aurora (her baby doll), Bonnie (her stuffed horse), her blankey, pumpkins, and really anything in the general direction she is looking. haha.

We have also decided to be thankful in other ways. We have started to say grace before meals. And, we decided to be better church goers. This last weekend, we decided on which one and would like to start going consistently.

It feels great to stop asking for forgiveness, when I take this life for granted. I still complain about stupid, stupid stuff; but, I'm getting better...

Tonight, I think I will put down that I am thankful for...my blog readers. :) Thank you for always supporting me and telling me that I'm not the craziest momma on the block! Have a great hump day!

Birth Story: Part 2

After finally getting to the surgery room, I felt great. I was a little scared of the spinal and I was still having contractions. But, to know there was an end in sight felt wonderful. Also, I had been to that surgery room before, when I had my gallbladder taken out; so, there was some familiarity to it all.

The spinal had a little sting to it, and I would say was very comparable to an epidural. It took a while, so I asked a few questions of the anesthesiologist. How much will I feel? Will this make me nauseous? How does it only numb me from the arms down?

I had drank some tart, grape drink before I went down to surgery. It was supposed to help with the nausea. I was hoping so. I had heard horror stories about women throwing up during their entire surgery. Nothing sounded worse than throwing up while laying on your back. Plus, talk about a moment ruiner...

I was on my back, arms strapped down, and the sheet was up before Heath was escorted into the room. They had already asked how much I could feel. It was the most bizarre feeling. With an epidural, it was somewhat scary to me. I felt completely out of control and almost paralyzed. I hated looking at my leg, trying to move it, and being unable to do so. It truly freaked me out. With the spinal, I could feel. But, I couldn't feel everything. I could feel them rubbing stuff on my belly, which I was told would normally seem cold. I only felt the movement and not the coldness. Then, she started to make the incision. I remember knowing that she was about to cut, when Heath came by the sheet. I thought for sure that he would see the blood and pass out on the spot.

When he got to me, he was feeling pretty good. He had popped a Xanax upstairs and was what I would describe as three-beer-Heath. He was invincible and when they told him that he could stand to watch, he did! I kept asking him, "Are you sure? Are you okay?"

Getting Olive out only took a few minutes. This is what I heard:

"Okay, get ready to meet Baby Olive."

"Oh, she has hair!"

"Heath, get the camera ready."

"She's no peanut."

"Here she is!"

Heath stood up the whole time, snapping pictures with the camera in one hand and video recording with his phone in the other. The video is great! :) It is kind of gross though, and so are the pictures. I thought I would spare you.

She was born at 6:42 pm.

As soon as I heard her let out her first wail, I broke down. I just cried and cried. It still wasn't quiet real to me. Nothing quiet prepares you for hearing your baby cry for the first time, or seeing them either. While I was blubbering, unable to wipe away my tears, Dr. B leaned Olive over the sheet for me to see. In her gross, bloody, crying state, she looked like Lucy. Then, as quickly as she was there, she was gone. They took her across the room to check her. Heath followed, snapping pictures like crazy.

 

We all anticipated the weight. I overheard a conversation between Dr. B and the nurses on how much they thought she'd weigh. Dr. B was pretty close, saying that she thought she would be close to 9 lbs. She was 8 lbs and 11.5 ounces. She was 2.5 ounces more than Lucy and a week early! The shocker for me was, she was 21 inches long! That was 2 inches longer than Lucy. I just kept repeating it over and over. "21 inches? Wow, really? 21 inches?"

Olive cried and cried, until Heath said something to her. It seemed as though she recognized his voice, because she immediately stopped. It was so sweet. It warmed my heart. 

Olive and Heath were off to my right and a little over my head. After about ten minutes of watching, my neck and eyes started to hurt from straining. So, I stopped and laid flat again. Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks the 36 hours of little to no sleep. I was so tired. It was like my body knew that it was over and Olive was okay. I let my eyes close a few times as I jerked them back open. Finally, I called Heath over. "I'm going to close my eyes and I might fall asleep, is that okay?" 

I felt like a jerk; but, I literally couldn't stay awake. He of course told me that was alright, as he went back to Olive. I then fell in and out of sleep for the next hour or so. I woke up once because I was nauseous. I thought I might throw up. When I told the anesthesiologist, she got me a "throw-up sleeve," as I like to call them. Dr. B heard me and said that she was pushing on my stomach and that was probably what was causing it. Thank goodness the nausea passed and before I knew it the sheet was pulled down.

While they were moving me to a bed, Dr. B went to check on Olive. She is such a caring person and you can tell that she loves her job!

Funny story about the nurse in the maroon, over Dr. B's shoulder. She was a student when I had Lucy. I remembered her, only because her name is also my middle name. When she came in for the surgery and introduced herself, I immediately asked if she was a student back in February 2010. It was her. She was present for both of my girls. :)

Once settled, I finally got to hold her too. :)

She still looked a lot like Lucy to me.

We were taken to the recovery room, where I was able to have a few guests. I asked for Heath to go tell my sister to bring Lucy down. Little did I know, Dr. B had already went to get Lucy! haha. :) I think she was excited too.

Lucy was pretty excited and surprisingly not freaked out at all by the hospital. She rubbed Olive's head and talked to her. For the first time that evening, Heath cried. My sister did too. It was a special moment.

We finally got back upstairs around 9:30 pm. Good thing we have our babies on the weekend. :)

Everyone was thrilled. I have to say though, do you see Heath's sister's boyfriend over in the corner with his arms crossed? Haha. I have a picture similar to this one, when Lucy was born. Except, then, my cousin was keeping him company. I just don't think men/boys are into this stuff as much, unless it's their baby or grand-baby.

Everyone stayed only for a while and left to let me sleep. I was able to breastfeed her downstairs in the recovery room. So, I waited until the next feeding and then let the nurse take her to the nursery. We learned from Lucy, that for us, it was better for her to go to the nursery. I didn't have any trouble sleeping and was excited each and every time they brought her in to feed.

- To Be Continued -

It's a...

GIRL! :)

Just in case you didn't catch that, we are...

I am so excited and love being able to say, "she..." Saying he/she was getting kind of old.

The first question I asked and I'm sure you are all thinking, "How sure was the ultrasound tech that it was a girl?"

Well, she was pretty confident. We have two separate photos that she labeled "girl parts," see below.

I will be honest; I am not very good with these things. I don't necessarily see "girl parts"; however, I know that I don't see boy parts.

It is absolutely crazy though, when everyone thought it was a boy....well, 23 of my readers, Heath, and I were all convinced. Again, my intuition is way off! haha. If we ever decide to have a third, I know that it will be exactly opposite of what I think or feel. ha.

Watching her kick and swing her arms (a ton!) was so joyful! :) I could watch it all day. I love watching her be so active. However, she is feisty! She kept kicking at the ultrasound...wand? monitor? You know what I am talking about. She kept hitting it and causing me some discomfort. If her movement and feistiness is any indication of what she will be like in the future, we may be in trouble! :)  Or, as Heath said later, "If she is even half as dramatic as Lucy, we will have our hands full!"

As soon as the technician said it was a girl, I looked at Heath and smiled. :) I was truly overjoyed and almost to tears. I love girls and another one is fine with me. :)  Heath smiled and said, "We'll have a house full of girls."  I wanted to remind him that he still had Chico, who has enough male dominance and testosterone for 3 males.

On the way home he commented on how expensive girls are. haha. I know girls can be expensive with their makeup, clothes, jewelry, hair products, shoes, etc. However, boys can be just as bad with all of their "toys." And, if they are as metro-sexual as Heath, they can have just as expensive shopping trips too!

It was a wonderful day! :) I couldn't have asked for a better one.  All of my family members were excited too! Oh, and I also got a call from the hospital that said all of the blood tests came back normal and all looked good! No abnormalities at all! Whew! :) More good news!

I am literally on a cloud this week. Hopefully work won't get me down. It's almost the weekend! :)

Surprise!

Yep. I am the one who urinated on that stick. :)

If you are still somehow missing it, I'm pregnant! :)

I have been dying to tell you all! After my close family and friends, I wanted you all to be the first to know - my loyal readers! Almost every post that I am "loving" I want to tell you about the pregnancy. Or, I want to mention how tired or nauseous I am. You remember all of that, right?

The truth is, we were scared to tell right away. I had a really bad urinary tract infection at the beginning of my pregnancy. They can cause miscarriages. Scary! So, we kept the news to ourselves for a long time. Then, I continued to have bladder issues. Although I probably do have a condition called Interstitial Cystitis (IC), the pain that I was feeling was probably only amplified by my growing uterus laying on top of my bladder. As my uterus lifts out of my pelvis, I am getting some relief. The good news is that the Cystitis won't affect the baby! Perhaps I will tell you more about the IC later...

I bet you want to know how far along I am and when I'm due. Well, I am 11 weeks along and due September 14th. I know two other ladies due the same week. :) It'll be crazy!

I feel like my tummy is starting to "pop" though and I simply won't be able to hide it anymore. As the warm weather peels my baggy jackets and sweaters, it will only become more obvious. I seriously do feel like I am bigger with the second one. My abs...or lack thereof...did nothing to keep my uterus under control this time.

Here I am after I found out, at 5 weeks.

I was already about 10 pounds up from when I got pregnant with Lucy. I'm a statistic!!!  Oh well, nothing I can do now. My arm placement isn't the most flattering either. :{ Hopefully I won't gain as much this time...

I can't wait to share this pregnancy with you all. It is still unbelievable, as the beginning stages of pregnancy often are. Wish us luck with #2! :)

Happy Birthday Lucy!

Sometimes Lucy's birth seems like years and years ago. Sometimes it feels like yesterday.

The pain seems long gone and I hardly remember it. But, the time that I've spent with Lucy doesn't seem like enough to fill two years! I guess this is parenthood...

How my little girl went from this -

 

To a toddler, I'll never quite know.

But, one thing I do know is why she looks like she does. Her daddy.

I tried to tell myself over and over again that she looks like me. She has blonde-ish hair. She has big brown eyes. There is some of me in there! Plus, it had been a while since I had seen Heath's baby pictures. But, then...I saw some of him when he was two years old.  It's Lucy....in boy clothes.  Even Lucy thought it was herself! She pointed and said, "That's Lucy!"

My arguments are all down the drain with a shear glimpse of the images that I will lay before you -

 

 

I rest my case. Heath's genes are apparently WAY more powerful than mine - except that big toe! :)

As the day continues, and the weather calls for a light snow, I will be thinking of the Super Bowl Sunday that Lucy was born. At 1:12 pm, it was snowing then too. :) Seeing her face for the first time was amazing. I dreamed of what she would look like. Now, I know that all I had to do was look to my right and she was staring back at me, with freckles. :)

Ahhh....the miracle of life.

Slow Dance

It was a Friday night and the whole family, all three of us, were in the kitchen. I don't remember if I was cooking or cleaning, or just being idle. I was standing in the doorway, leaning up against the side, dishtowel in hand, watching Heath and Lucy run around.

I had changed the radio station to one of my favorite "oldies" station. Fleetwood Mac's "Dreams" came on - one of my favorites. I immediately began to sing the lyrics, or what I knew at least, aloud.

Heath picked Lucy up, setting her bottom on his forearm. With his free hand, he grabbed Lucy's hand. They began to dance. Heath swayed back and forth mouthing a word here and there. Lucy looked into her daddy's eyes and giggled in between smiles.

I loved that moment. Although I was just a somewhat emotionally involved bystander, I know how special it was. I thought to myself. In 20 years or so, I will probably be watching this again. But, instead of in our kitchen, they will be having their father/daughter dance at Lucy's wedding.

I closed my eyes tight and tried to file that moment into my memory bank. I wonder if I will think of it years from now...and if it will warm my heart just the same.

"Don't cry over the past; it's gone. Don't stress about the future; it hasn't arrived. Live in the present and make it beautiful."

Here Comes Santa Claus

This is going to a positive and exciting Christmas-themed rant. So, if you are one of those people who refuse to acknowledge Christmas until after Thanksgiving, you may want to exit your browser.

For those of you who are still here, thank you for sharing in my Christmas madness! :)  Is it just me or is Christmas somewhat intoxicating? It really is. The way I feel at Christmas time easily surpasses any other time of year. Even going to work I am jolly.  Haha.....okay, maybe not AT work; but, you get the point. Everyone becomes a little less selfish. You wish, and hope, and pray a little harder. You believe in miracles a little more. Faith in mankind is at its all time high. Time slows. Reflection of your life no longer involves your house, your income, or your weight. You are just thankful...

Which brings me to another point that we probably shouldn't bypass like that old, high school acquaintance that you pretend not to see - Thanksgiving. Being thankful is a good thing. We try to teach our children about it; so, why not practice what we preach?

I am so thankful for the life I've been given. I am truly blessed. Thank you to all of my friends, family, and four-legged friends and family for taking part in it! :)

Now...what started this Christmas rant? Why, Santa Claus ofcourse! He is coming to our town tonight!  We are taking Lucy. She is going to freak! And when I say "freak," I don't mean the way I would react to an encounter with the gorgeous Matthew Lawrence. I mean the type of "freak" reaction I would have to a real-life Michael Meyers (that's the Halloween killer to those of you who aren't up on your pop-culture - tsk, tsk).

I expect a reaction similar to this:

Yep. That is a little Cori, clutching onto what we can only assume is some type of candy bribe to stand by this creepy stranger. Imagine the confusion in that tiny, blonde, mushroom hair covered head of mine...

"Don't talk to strangers? Unless they have a beard covering their entire face, they wear red, and give you candy? Sit on his lap? Whaaa?"

Just a shout out to my parents - those jeans are awesome. Thank you.

I lied. I think Lucy's "freak out" will be much, much worse than this. I expect the picture to be with her eyes closed, face red, limbs flailing, and doing the stiff leg. What is the stiff leg you ask? Oh, you know - when a child doesn't want to sit down, they stiffen their legs, and are no longer able to bend at the waist. It's very board like...and frustrating as hell.

I won't be upset tonight for a few reasons. 1) I've had time to mentally prepare for said "freak out". I deal better when it isn't in the middle of DSW and she flops on the floor. 2) I totally freaked out too. I don't want to be a hypocrite. 3) The pictures we will take will be hilarious when she is older. 4) If the picture is good enough, it could be Christmas card material. 5) I didn't properly prepare her for Santa.

I told myself that I would show her pictures and tell her how awesome he is. I planned to even give her candy whenever I introduced the picture of Santa - some real positive conditioning. I failed. Santa snuck up on me, to tell you the truth! Before I knew it, he was making his way to town.

So, tonight officially marks the beginning of the "festivities" and I couldn't be more pee-pants excited! Bring on Santa, bring on the fit, bring on the pre-Christmas (otherwise known as Thanksgiving)...haha..., and bring on Christmas!

Happy Thursday everyone! Be thinking about us at around 5:30 pm tonight, when we see Santa! Yippee!

Scary Times: Part 6

Let's all cross our fingers that this will be the last installment of the "Scary Times" posts. Deal?

When you last heard from me about Lucy being sick, we had just gotten out of the hospital for the second time. Lucy had an incision about 3 or 3.5 inches long in her groin area. Two stitches were holding it together, loosely, and a tube was sticking out of the top. The tube looked just like a McDonald's straw, minus the red or yellow stripe. It was held in by one stitch.

We also had to give her antibiotics and probiotics throughout the day.

Oddly enough, we were able to put her in the bathtub with the tube in. Won't water get inside her? No idea. But, that is what they told us to do. "Cleanliness is close to Godliness," Dr. A said.

The idea of the loose stitching was that the "sore", if you will, needed to heal from the inside out. Dr. A said that he couldn't sew it closed, or the abscess would just come back. That made sense. One week went by. We went in to get the tube out. The cultures of the abscess had come back - more staph infection. We weren't surprised; that is what we had all expected.  He cut the tube stitch and pulled it out in, like, two seconds and we were on our way.

In the next few days the incision continued to kind of ooze. Gross - I know. Then, where the tube was, some skin started to emerge out of the "hole". When we went to get the stitches out, Dr. A said it was scar tissue. He took the other stitches out and told us that we would have to burn Lucy's scar tissue off. Now, doesn't that sound fun?

Sorry - can you sense my annoyance through my sarcasm?

We took home some liquid nitrate sticks. They looked like long Q-tips. Any skin it touched, it would burn. Daily, Heath and I had to hold Lucy down (it seriously took us both!) and would burn some of this scar tissue off. Lucy hated it. When I asked Dr. A if it hurt her, he said it would cause "mild pain" and "sting a little"...whatever that meant for a 21 month old. I dreaded that time of day. Bandage changing and "burning" was the worst.

The good news was that we no longer had to go see Dr. A! As long as the incision looked good in two weeks, we didn't have to follow up! Music to our ears.

Next thing we knew, the incision looked really odd. "The skin isn't touching anymore, right?" I asked Heath. After further staring and thought, we made an appointment with our regular doctor, Dr. B.

It had popped open. You could tell Dr. B hated telling us this. She went on to tell us, "All children aren't all this bad! I promise!" Then she told the nurse, "At this rate, they aren't going to let me deliver any more!" 

Then, she left to call Dr. A from across the hall. Heath stood by the door, trying to hear the conversation. We were nervous that she would be sending us back to Children's. "Please no," we both pleaded. We heard the conversation end. Dr. B conversed with her nurses and they started gathering supplies. The nurse carried in gauze, sterile water, and bandage tape. Whew! No needles or thread!

Dr. B said that Dr. A shared her same regret with this entire situation. It just never seemed to end! My thoughts were, "You're telling me!?"

We did a week of wet to dry gauze changes, while continuing the burning of scar tissue. Fun times. These dressing changes had to take place twice a day and they were more challenging to get in place. The tape made Lucy's groin so red and it started to actually scab in some places. We tried our hardest to move the tape around and not tape in the same place. There just weren't that many options. We looked for a better tape to use than what the doctor gave us. We found a paper tape; but, it still irritated her leg, if we could get it to stick at all. Ugh!

A week later, I took Lucy back to Children's. We had just finished the burning and the incision was looking better. Dr. A said it looked good too. I was worried; could you blame me?

The outcome - no more dressings! No more tape! No more burning! Just neosporin and a band-aid. I was excited! Oh, and no more Children's Hospital! Yay! Nothing personal; I just don't care to see any of them ever again...

I used all of my excitement to go shopping. It was therapeutic to say the least! :) I even splurged a little and got Lucy the cutest brown, suede boots.

Everything is going well and we are both impressed with how much better the incision looks. Now that Daycare is able to see it, without a dressing covering it up, they didn't think it looked too good. I had to kind of laugh to myself, because it was so much worse before.

Now, please join in my excitement (and prayers that it's true) as I type these two little words...

The End.

Traveling Heart

I'm sure you've noticed; I'm in a funk.

Not a good funk, like The Commodores. A bad funk. My head is in the clouds. My brain is in a fog. My mind is...well, you get the idea.

A piece of my heart has traveled to Texas. And, I'm having a pretty rough time with it.

As most of you know, my dad recently got married and decided to move to Texas. Family, and specifically my dad, is very important to me. I'm sure you've realized my emphasis on family throughout the last year of posts. To add to the problem, I'm not that big on change. Sorry Obama.

When my dad decided to move, I was angry. I consistently fought my sarcastic, surly side; I wanted to say something hurtful or smart alecky. I knew that saying something mean wouldn't make him stay; but, perhaps it would remain in his mind forever. And, that is the reason I held a lot back. I didn't want him to have another reason to leave, like me being mean.

I didn't just hold the anger back. I held the sadness back. It's a common trait among my family members. We're not big on giving into painful emotion. It's much easier to pretend those feelings don't exist. Unhealthy? Absolutely. I have tried to work on it though. My psychology degree forces me to.

The day my dad left, I cried; however, I refused to let it sink in. He's not really moving. He'll be back soon. This is all temporary. My heart and my brain were in constant battle that day, trying to allow the truth in, while avoiding the emotion.

The first week he was gone, I did alright. We had gone a week without seeing each other; so, it was easy to pretend. The second week, it started to really set in. Things I normally held on to, to show him or to tell him about, I realized I would have to do over the telephone or Skype. He wouldn't be stopping by again after work.

Look at me. I talk like someone passed away, right? Whoa is me. But, it seriously is a big deal to me.

I was already feeling down about my dad leaving, then September 11th came and I watched all the horrible coverage, things that I tried to avoid and forget years ago, and then, my brother-in-law got into a terrible accident.  It was all a bit too much for my emotion.

I slowly fell into a funk - a deep, sad, funk.

We had a good weekend and somehow, today, I feel uplifted. I am not even sure why. I just am. Perhaps it's a turning point for me. Let's cross our fingers.

With the, hopefully steep, incline of my mood, there should be some more blog posts. Perhaps it's fall quickly approaching (heck - it might already be here!), that has me smiling. The leaves are falling, the windows are open, and I'm listening to the sweet sounds of football fans and broadcasters. Halloween is near. I have lots of plans for the next month and I'll be sure to share them all with you.

Sorry about the funk. And, I promise to get back with it soon. I will also include the final videos of my running challenge - like I've promised.

Happy September 19th! Smile everyone. It only gets better.

Important Things

The room was quiet. The only sound was Lucy's tennis shoes tapping the wood floor. She raised her eyebrows to me as she clamped down onto the plastic fork. Chili and cheese smeared over her lips as she dramatically started chewing. She then began to raised her head up and then lower it with each chew. It didn't take long before the movement made it to her little, pink converses, and she began dancing.

I sat on the floor next to her, leaning up against the kitchen cabinets. I listened to her off-beat humming and the clap of her flat, rubber soles hitting the wood planks.

I, too, had a mouth full of chili-cheese tater tots from Sonic. Without thinking, I began to sway my head back and forth to Lucy's beat.

In that moment I realized how thankful I was. I realized how much I take things for granted. I realized how blessed I was. It was perfect.

How is it that work will break you down, you feel tired and sore, you get irritated with trying to unload Lucy and the million bags and things you've accumulated from the car, the house is such a mess you want to pull your hair out, the humidity outside makes you yearn for just one cool breeze, and then,...a moment like this happens...and it all just fades away?

I love moments like that. You can't plan them. They just happen. Life is good.

Heath - yes. Lucy and I got a chili-cheese tots from Sonic Monday night. They were good. :)

Baby Boom!

Two of my best friends are pregnant.

Also, I know at least three other women who are pregnant.

Four of the five women I've mentioned are due in January! Can you believe that?

My first thought is: what happened in April that I missed? :) No one can say that it was the long, cold winter. :)

I am so excited for my friends. Being pregnant, while sometimes nauseating and scary and irritating, is so wonderful. Bringing babies into the world seriously might be the most touching and miraculous thing ever! :) I am so excited to take part in their journeys.

The big question now that two of my best friends are pregnant?

"Cori - when are you going to have another one?"

I'll be honest - I had baby fever as soon as Lucy turned one year old. However, Heath and I knew that it just wasn't right for our family. I had to think rationally. That would just be too much for Heath and me. We want Lucy to be out of diapers (crossing-fingers) and in a big girl bed before we have another one. Having two babies in diapers and/or cribs, just isn't for me.

Seriously, no offense to anyone who likes children that close. I get it.

But, as most of you know, Lucy isn't even close to potty training yet. She did sit on the potty chair the other night though...with a diaper on. Small steps! :) And, we still need to lower her crib one more setting, because she is starting to monkey-climb.

We have a while. And, does all of this make me want to have a baby more? Or sooner? No - not really. This is their time. I will just share in their happiness and Lucy will get a sibling soon enough.

In the mean time I get to buy baby stuff! :) Yay! It is so fun to buy; I can't wait. I hope that one is having a boy and the other is having a girl; then, I could buy some of both!

I'll be sure to let you know how it goes and if my baby fever raises at all. :)

What do you think is the perfect age difference in children?

I Wear Lipstick Now

Are there ever times in your life, where you just take a moment to just step back for a second? To just halt your mind and look at where you are, what you are doing, and what got you here?

I do that a lot.

The other day, I was listening to music on my iPhone and had my entire library on shuffle. It ranges from Dolly Parton, to The Beatles, Motley Crue, JaRule, New Kids on the Block, Bruno Mars, and even to Alanis Morissette (to name just a few) - pretty much a ridiculous mix. Needless to say, I wasn't shocked when "I Need You Tonight" by Backstreet Boys came on. I was, however, pleasantly surprised. It had been a while since I've heard and listened to the song. It immediately took me back to a time when life was "simple".

I had just finished 7th grade and the summer had just begun.



First, let's all take a moment to appreciate that rockin' skort, with matching butterfly top. Then, I'm going to take a moment and be sad that I was once that blonde and am not any more. :( And, finally, I will close with some thoughts about how large my head/facial features seem in regard to my body. haha. Not my best moment...

Anyway, on with the story -

It was early in the morning and I was somehow already awake and around at 7:30. (It was probably because I had stayed up half the night before!) My parents had already left for work and my sister wasn't home. So, I did what any thirteen year old girl would do. I stuck a CD in the player and cranked it. At that particular time, I chose the Millennium CD by Backstreet Boys, (before they had the cool acronym, BSB). I think it was track number 5...

"Oooopen uuuup....your heart to me...mmmm....."

I remember folding clothes, cleaning up my room, belting out lyrics alongside Nick Carter. I of course was obsessed with a boy too.  Want to know who? This punk...

This was taken while we were in high school. Yes - I was blinking.

I know you probably don't believe it; but, I was crushing on Heath back when I was 13. We even "dated" or whatever that means at that age, for like three months.

What can I say? I guess we just couldn't keep away from each other and after love and marriage, God blessed us with this bundle of beautiful, sweet, awesomeness -

Anyway, I remember thinking how boring and lame my life was. I didn't have enough 'cool' clothes and I didn't live near any of my friends. I had to help with laundry and dishes. I had it rough...

Not!   <----- Was that reminiscent of the late 1990's enough for you? haha.

I didn't worry about my weight and think about every single piece of food I put in my mouth. I didn't stress about the house not being clean or unorganized. I wasn't thinking about how important it was to spend time with the family. Money wasn't even something I considered. I took sleeping-in for granted, as I did with all of my free time. I was too busy making a "Girls I Don't Like" list on my closet wall to worry about that stuff.

Isn't it crazy? Those days are long, long gone. I have "big people" problems now. Heck, I'm an adult, a wife, a mother.....I wear lipstick now. No more Bon-Bon lip gloss for this gal...

Changes happen too fast. If you blink, you'll miss them.

Serious Side-Note: I barely made it through writing this post because of the news coverage of the tornadoes. I have such a heavy heart. I complain about the stupidest things and there are people out there who are really hurting, aching, and unsure of how to go on. My heart sinks when I think about the Hamil family from Piedmont, OK. I am so very, very blessed. I just want to hug my family and never let go. Please, God bless those affected by these storms...