(Type A cringe of grand proportion)
I have been wanting to address my/our decision for me to stay
home ever since the decision was made.
I’m telling you now, this post
will be long - like six Word pages long. And, before I jump in, I am gonna say that I am in no way trying
to guilt working mothers or convince them to stay home. I think you are amazing
and I am in awe of you every day. I have been blessed to be both a working
mother and a SAHM. Both are awesome and make me proud to be a woman/mother. As Beyonce would ask, "Who
run the world?!"
The first time Heath and I discussed me becoming a
stay-at-home mother, I had just had Lucy and was returning to work after an
eight-week maternity leave. I struggled putting Lucy in daycare. If you at all
read my blog back in 2011, you know how much I struggled. I just couldn’t get over
it. But, many other apprehensions won out each time it was discussed and, well,
I continued to work. With Olive’s birth, we visited the discussion again. At
this point, we had become quite financially “comfortable,” and the idea seemed
even further from a reality. I actually liked my job at that time and the
people I worked with. The daycare was in my building and since Heath worked at
the same place, we rode to and from work together. It really was a great
situation for a working mother. It seemed stupid to walk away from something so
seemingly ideal.
Then, without going into much detail, I
became unhappy in my working role. It became very apparent to me, and every single
person around me, that it was time for me to transition to something else. That
very difficult point in my life was what pushed me to make the decision that I
had been avoiding for many years – five years actually. I was pregnant with our
youngest and again, Heath asked me, “Do you want to stay home?”
Every time I heard that question uttered, I immediately
became nervous. I can distinctly recall moments in the car, on the way home
from work, physically trembling with fear just talking about it. I had several
concerns, and fears, and irrational worries. I have decided to share a few with you. Or, maybe ten...
1) Money
The
number one concern was an obvious one – money. We needed to figure out if we could even make it work,
financially. I knew that we could, in a grand sense. However, we had certainly
become accustomed to a certain lifestyle. Were we ready to take that cut?
Four years later…
I do not take this point of discussion lightly. Honestly, when it comes to a two-income family, having one of them stay at home is sometimes not even an option. The fact that it was even a consideration for us, was and is a blessing.
I do not take this point of discussion lightly. Honestly, when it comes to a two-income family, having one of them stay at home is sometimes not even an option. The fact that it was even a consideration for us, was and is a blessing.
At first, it was a huge adjustment that we took on as a
challenge. It was actually kind of fun. I took my monthly “allowance”
and knew that with every dollar saved, I could celebrate with that money – a night
out, a new gadget, some type of splurge, and so on. I wasn’t sure if I could
keep up the momentum, but was willing to give it a go. Thankfully, we saved a
lot of money right away. Daycare for three children was going to be about
30-40% of my salary anyway. So, there was a huge savings. And, I didn’t need to
buy work clothes any longer. My dream of living in Target yoga pants and cheap sweatshirts
was now a reality. But, most of all, we were no longer using our money to make
us happy.
When I was working, I became extremely unhappy. I was stressed, and pregnant, and working in graduate school, and
took my anger/sadness/discontentment home with me every single night. We got
home at 5:30 PM, unloaded and settled in by 6 PM, and the last thing I wanted
to do was put a meal on the table. So, we ordered out a lot. A lot. I mean, A
LOT. I think we were spending almost $600 a month on just eating out. We would
justify it with working so hard. We had also started justifying big splurges
too. When you work your ass off and are unhappy, you buy things to try and fill
your cup. You feel like you deserve it; you work all the time and deserve to
use some of it on something that makes you happy, right? Well, we immediately stopped doing that.
Mostly because we had to; but, we soon realized that we didn’t need to anymore.
With me staying home, we were now happy without the splurging; we were content.
I must also mention that we were very fortunate in our path.
It wasn’t long after I started staying home that Heath applied for and received
a new job. It has been an amazing blessing in our lives in so many ways. Moreover,
it did relieve quite a bit of the financial strain as well. Then, I applied for
and received the opportunity to teach online courses as an adjunct faculty
member at a local institution. It is sporadic and not a guaranteed income, but
it helps financially (and I love it and hope to elaborate more on that another
time).
2) Judgment from other People – Society
I
kept wondering what other people might think about my decision. Would everyone
think I was lazy? Would they think that I got fired? Would they think that I
wasn’t smart enough? And also, for me, I was in the middle of a
graduate program. The idea that I might start staying home and not “using” my
degree, at least right away, seemed silly.
Four years later…
I still struggle with this. Because, let’s be honest, society is judgmental. SAHMs and working mothers both get judgement. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. For me, I am very insecure about this point in particular. When I thought about people asking me what I did for a living, I would feel sick. How could I say, “I stay at home”? Looking back, I think I may have judged SAHMs a bit too. I don’t even know why exactly; I guess it felt like the “right side” to be on. I blame ignorance.
I still struggle with this. Because, let’s be honest, society is judgmental. SAHMs and working mothers both get judgement. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. For me, I am very insecure about this point in particular. When I thought about people asking me what I did for a living, I would feel sick. How could I say, “I stay at home”? Looking back, I think I may have judged SAHMs a bit too. I don’t even know why exactly; I guess it felt like the “right side” to be on. I blame ignorance.
The entire idea of being scared of what society might think
makes me laugh now. As I have become more comfortable in this role, and found
other BA SAHMs out there, I don’t feel embarrassed or apologetic. I feel
empowered and ready to fight ‘em on it. I am not lazy. I am educated. I am
organized. And, WE ARE HAPPY. Period. That is all that matters. It was right
for our family. It isn’t right for everyone. But, for us, it is.
3) Judgment from other People – Our Family
Thinking
about how Heath’s family might react scared me. Would they think that I was “taking
advantage” of him? Would they think I should be doing more, financially, to
contribute? And, of course, would they think I was just being lazy?
Four years later…
I was absolutely terrified to tell our family that I was going to be staying home. I made Heath tell his parents. I stressed how important it was for him to let them know he was supportive of the idea. Because, that was KEY. If he didn’t support the idea, it wouldn’t work. While I “run the show” at home. None of this is even possible without Heath. I acknowledge that and probably don’t thank him enough for it.
I was absolutely terrified to tell our family that I was going to be staying home. I made Heath tell his parents. I stressed how important it was for him to let them know he was supportive of the idea. Because, that was KEY. If he didn’t support the idea, it wouldn’t work. While I “run the show” at home. None of this is even possible without Heath. I acknowledge that and probably don’t thank him enough for it.
In the beginning, while everyone was nice about it, I could
see the fear in their eyes. They were scared for us. We had a nice home, I was
in graduate school, and we had a third baby on the way. No one really knew what
our finances were; but, I’m sure it appeared scary from the outside! The fear
was again reignited when we decided to take on a fixer-upper, and had two mortgages
for a brief period.
You can really only do so much to give family comfort. It
took time, I think, before they could see that we are doing alright. And, it
took time to see how much happier we became.
4) What if I am not meant to be a SAHM?
What
if the idea of staying home seems great, but I wasn’t meant for it? I am not
much of a “kid person” - really. That sounds terrible; but, I’m not. I ruled
out being an Elementary School Teacher many, many years ago. So, what if I was just
not built for this? What if I quit my job and hated being at home? It’s not like you can just go back to your old
job and be like, “Ooops. Never mind.” And, finding a new job that I liked and
was paid similarly was not guaranteed.
Four years later…
If I said that my first months were easy, I’d be lying. It takes some time to get used to being at home. I felt guilty for any second that I wasn’t doing something. I would basically follow the kids around, picking up anything and everything, making sure the house was spotless. Moments that I now realize are necessary for recharging and sanity, I would fill with multiple activities each day. While Heath never said a word to me about it, I always felt this immense pressure to have the house looking beautiful and have dinner on the table when he came home. That was my new job, right?
If I said that my first months were easy, I’d be lying. It takes some time to get used to being at home. I felt guilty for any second that I wasn’t doing something. I would basically follow the kids around, picking up anything and everything, making sure the house was spotless. Moments that I now realize are necessary for recharging and sanity, I would fill with multiple activities each day. While Heath never said a word to me about it, I always felt this immense pressure to have the house looking beautiful and have dinner on the table when he came home. That was my new job, right?
Heath has said many, many times that he doesn’t expect
anything. And, thank the Lord for him, because you know what? Life still
happens. Some days I don’t get everything done. And, sometimes things come up.
And, sometimes the kids have bad days. And, sometimes I have bad days. And, sometimes we make frozen pizza for dinner.
When I finally embraced that idea, I embraced the reason for staying home. The
priority for me was the kids.
Yes, staying home has also allowed me to get more things
done during the day, to allow for more family time in the evenings. It
allows me to be more involved with the kids’ school lives. And, I could list about
a billion other things it gives me the opportunity to do. Bottom line is: I
gambled and I won. I love staying at home. And, also, after being at home…I’m still
not a kid person. Turns out, you don’t have to be. I just have to be a “my kids”
person.
5) Adult Interaction
Being
a working mother, you aren’t necessarily privy to all of the SAHM mother
programs or activities, day-time volunteer opportunities, or who to even call
for play-dates. Everyone I was really good friends with and all of my family, at
that time, worked. I would be at home with a 2.5 year old and a baby full-time;
my five year old would be there when not in school. Could Heath carry the
entire load of my conversational yearning?
Four years later…
I struggled a lot in the first year. I had a newborn too; so, that may have been a lot of the issue. But, mostly, I was not familiar with the SAHM “scene.” Where do I meet other moms? Is there an app that will match me with them? Swipe left? Right?
I struggled a lot in the first year. I had a newborn too; so, that may have been a lot of the issue. But, mostly, I was not familiar with the SAHM “scene.” Where do I meet other moms? Is there an app that will match me with them? Swipe left? Right?
It was a blessing that a friend of mine suggested our local
MOPs group (Moms of Preschoolers). We meet once a month and I absolutely love
it. I look so forward to the meetings; but, it has linked me to other SAHMs in
the area. I now have a weekly women’s group I attend, and many numbers to text
for impromptu play dates.
SAHM full-disclosure: playdates
are totally not for the kids, y’all. They are for our sanity. And, maybe a tiny
bit for the kids…I mean, they usually sleep better burning off all that energy...
I also decided to just be more open to social interaction.
If another mom started up a conversation at t-ball practice, I welcomed it. I
never had a reason to seek out new friendships before. Now, it seems like I
have so many, and I have so many people to reach out to for anything. My
support system grew considerably!
I don’t like to give advice, but I’m gonna. (Actually, I
love to give advice, but acknowledge, like, who am I to be giving advice?
Anyway, here is my advice…) If you are invited to something, go. I mean, if the
only thing that keeps you from going is social anxiety and the fear of being
awkward, then please try it. I am SO awkward. You have no idea! And, I am so
glad I chose to say yes and to go. The first couple of times are scary and weird;
but, you WILL figure out who you have commonalities with. It won’t take long
before you…dare I say it?... "find your tribe.”
6) My Husband Might Resent Me
I
worried that Heath my start to resent me at some point. The first time we had
to say no to a purchase, because it wasn’t in the budget, would he be mad that
I wasn’t working? Seeing other people go on expensive vacations or buying this
or that, would he be upset with our decision? And, when I was able to sleep-in,
or do something fun with the kids, would he be angry that I got to do it and
not him?
Four years later…
Heath truly might resent me. In the depths of his soul, there may be some resentment. I don’t know unless he tells me. And, I check in on it from time to time. Heath consistently tells me that he is happy with our set-up, that I can stay home with our children. He is happy with all of it. And, I believe him. I know that there is always the possibility that he may someday change his tune. So, I just make sure that I remember such. I try to make extra time for him. I try to be thoughtful. And, I say, “Yes, you deserve it,” when he suggests buying something for himself – most of the time that is…
Heath truly might resent me. In the depths of his soul, there may be some resentment. I don’t know unless he tells me. And, I check in on it from time to time. Heath consistently tells me that he is happy with our set-up, that I can stay home with our children. He is happy with all of it. And, I believe him. I know that there is always the possibility that he may someday change his tune. So, I just make sure that I remember such. I try to make extra time for him. I try to be thoughtful. And, I say, “Yes, you deserve it,” when he suggests buying something for himself – most of the time that is…
7) A Resume Gap
I
had a big worry that I would have a resume gap, which I wasn’t even sure at
that time how big of a gap that might be! I was concerned that when I decided
to jump back into the workforce, people wouldn’t respect the gap and my reason
for it – especially men. And, was I ready to start out at a base salary again, and
being older this time around?
Four years later…
As mentioned, I was fortunate enough to eventually start a part-time gig. But, before that, I decided to keep my resume alive by volunteering. I was able to apply for and get a position on a local board for a non-profit organization. It was something that related to my work experience, was something that I was passionate about, and gave me an outlet for that yearning to work. That last part probably sounds silly. But, after my first couple of meetings, I told Heath, I just liked the strategic thought and being able to use my work experience and degree in some way. It was a nice fulfillment for me. I got to be successful outside the home as well.
As mentioned, I was fortunate enough to eventually start a part-time gig. But, before that, I decided to keep my resume alive by volunteering. I was able to apply for and get a position on a local board for a non-profit organization. It was something that related to my work experience, was something that I was passionate about, and gave me an outlet for that yearning to work. That last part probably sounds silly. But, after my first couple of meetings, I told Heath, I just liked the strategic thought and being able to use my work experience and degree in some way. It was a nice fulfillment for me. I got to be successful outside the home as well.
I have also become so comfortable in my role at home that I've become quite defiant about it. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. The more
you love your decisions, the less you care what other people think about them. So,
if you stay home and you have a resume gap, and a potential boss doesn’t
respect it, then what does that say about them? It would indicate that they
aren’t going to be A) a decent person to work for, or B) understanding when it
comes to family needs. So, maybe you don’t want to work for them anyway…
8) I Cheated My Older Children
Since
I didn’t make this decision earlier, when my girls were born, if I stayed home
with the youngest, did I cheat the others? Will this make me even sadder about
missing out on the time my girls spent at daycare?
Four years later…
I don’t know if I can or will ever overcome this insecurity. Because it is just that. It is something that I personally deal with. I know other mothers who did the opposite of me; they stayed home with older children and then worked while the younger ones went to daycare. And, what it comes down to is doing what is right for our families. I believe in God’s plan and His timing. We weren’t necessarily in the position for me to stay home before, and I don’t know if I would appreciate staying home as much had I not experienced what I did. God is in control and I’ll know if and when it’s time to make another shift.
I don’t know if I can or will ever overcome this insecurity. Because it is just that. It is something that I personally deal with. I know other mothers who did the opposite of me; they stayed home with older children and then worked while the younger ones went to daycare. And, what it comes down to is doing what is right for our families. I believe in God’s plan and His timing. We weren’t necessarily in the position for me to stay home before, and I don’t know if I would appreciate staying home as much had I not experienced what I did. God is in control and I’ll know if and when it’s time to make another shift.
9) Am I Thickening that Glass Ceiling?
I
had previously experienced outright sexism in the workplace, more than once. I
won’t go into details; but, I was told that since I was a female and someone
else was a male, that [this] is how it was going to be. If I quit, was I just
perpetuating the stereo-type? It felt like by staying home, I was telling
everyone that I “wasn’t right for the workplace” and “my place was at home.”
Four years later…
Turns out, my place is at home - but, not for the reasons that sexist turd-bag implied…
Turns out, my place is at home - but, not for the reasons that sexist turd-bag implied…
I don’t believe that SAHMs are “less-than.” And, maybe I am
perpetuating some stereo-type by staying home. But, I believe that I could
become the first female president tomorrow, and those stereo-types will still exist.
All I can do is continue to fight for women who want to do more, and empower my
girls. We don’t have to do ALL things that men do. But, we should be able try,
if we want, right? And, it goes the other way too, men. Stay-at-home Dads,
are ya with me?!
10) Independence
If I stayed home, I
would be 100% financially dependent on Heath. I trust my husband. I do. Really.
But, giving up all independence is kinda terrifying. What if I stay home, face
many of the aforementioned concerns, and then Heath finds himself a 20-something-hottie
to leave me for? To Heath, this concept is laughable. Literally, every time I
have mentioned this idea, he laughs at me. I didn’t, or don’t, truly believe it
would happen. But, I mean…I am a realist as well and I am not going to say that
it is impossible. I would be trying
to jump back into the work-force and adjusting to my own, likely
lower than before, female (78 cents on the dollar) salary - all while adjusting to all the other issues a separation brings.
It was a very small, in the depths of my mind, concern.
Four years later…
I have to trust Heath. I have to let go and let God. There are some things you just can’t obsess about. This, coming from someone who obsesses about everything! But, really, I can’t dwell on an insecurity. If I continue to work on my marriage, and just keep trying, then I can feel content with my efforts. You can only do so much; I am not in control of other people’s actions, and I never will be – no matter how much I would like to be sometimes. So, I try my best and that’s all I can do. And, I respect that.
I have to trust Heath. I have to let go and let God. There are some things you just can’t obsess about. This, coming from someone who obsesses about everything! But, really, I can’t dwell on an insecurity. If I continue to work on my marriage, and just keep trying, then I can feel content with my efforts. You can only do so much; I am not in control of other people’s actions, and I never will be – no matter how much I would like to be sometimes. So, I try my best and that’s all I can do. And, I respect that.
_____________________________________________
It might be time, or age. But, I am finding comfort and
contentment with my decisions. My life. My thoughts. All of it. I know that our
life can turn upside down at any minute. I’ve witnessed it. I just continue to
have faith in my family, my support system, myself, and most importantly, God.
