Type A, for Anxious

Let’s talk about something…

As I’ve mentioned before, I am a Type A person. I have a Type A personality - To. The. Core.

Most of the time, I speak those words with confidence and pride. It is directly related to my organization, problem-solving, and planning skills. I feel like it allows me to simplify things – processes, plans, even thoughts. I believe it pushes me to be more assertive, and passionate, and strong-willed. It’s what makes me chant, “Girls!” right along with Beyoncé, when she asks, “Who run the world?”

But, medically speaking, a Type A person is not the most desirable of personalities. We are uptight and particular. Things, like straying from our plans or outlines, can upset us - physically. We get stressed easily and wear it longer. We have high blood pressure and a prevalence of heart issues. We are more prone to anxiety disorders, and thank God we find people to put up with us…

Our laid-back counterparts, with Type B personalities, live much longer. They can go with the flow and let things roll off their backs. They have simply mastered the “subtle art of not giving a f*ck.” In so many ways, I am envious. I want to let go of things. I want Heath to put a cup on the back of the sink and for my brain to tell me, “that’s alright; it’s no big deal.” Instead, I have a little itch in the back of my mind that continues, until I move that stupid cup. Ugh…

The particularity was certainly something that I was gifted by my father. I once made fun of how he stacked the mail, next to the toaster, biggest envelopes on bottom and smallest on top. Or, how he would neatly fold his paper towel, to set underneath his cup of iced water. Or, how all the items in the center compartment of his truck have a place, and are not to be touched. Today, that is me. And, thankfully, over time, I have watched some of my father’s particularities fade; there is hope for me yet!

Nevertheless, this personality of mine has always made me a bit, what I lovingly call, “crazy.” I assess things, I over-think, and I base my decisions off all of these emotions. This has made me a bit overwhelming, for lack of a better word, in the past. As you might remember from previous ramblings of mine, I have frequently obsessed about being away from my kids, the risks of SIDS, and many other things. I would dump those concerns on anyone with ears who made eye contact with me. Spewing my apprehensions made me feel comforted and more in control. That was really what my obsession was about – having control. Kids seemed to take that concept away from me. Once you have children, you quickly learn how not in control you are. You think things will go a certain way, and HA! Yeah….no, kids have their own agendas. And, ultimately, God runs the show.

For several years, I tried to explain to Heath how anxious I could get, over seemingly not very big things. I mean, everyone around me was telling me that I was over-thinking. I would agree, but couldn’t stop. 

“I’m just an uptight person.”

“It isn’t hurting anyone, by taking extra precautions.”

“I just get nervous.”

“I can keep it under control.”

"I can control it."

I seriously could control it, for several years. That is, until I couldn’t.

Almost two years ago, we made a very impulsive decision to buy a new home. We walked into a home, not planning on buying it, and then made an offer on it just three days later. The whole thing was a whirlwind, and so very much not like me. Many nights, I cried, thinking we made a huge mistake. We had three kids, and then we added another mortgage. We spent about six months showing our previous home. That meant, to this Type A woman, I spent six months cleaning the house like a crazy person, limiting the kids’ activities, and keeping them contained to particular rooms. We simplified, and organized, and planned for our uncertain future. And, I cried. I cried a lot. Honestly, I didn’t know what else to do. I was, to put it bluntly, “freaking out.” I like plans. I like knowing what the next step is. I like familiarity. The lack of control was draining me. Several evenings I would sneak out of bed, go to the living room, do fire-breaths, write in a journal, and cry. I tried so hard to control it. If I could just have a good cry, I would be fine the next day. 

One particular night, I was sitting on the couch, writing in my journal about my neurosis. I had tears streaming down my face. I was just…worrying…about nothing, and everything. I didn’t know what to think about our future. I was overwhelmed, and stressed, and tired. Heath came out from the bedroom and saw me. I tried to dismiss him, telling him that I was just a bit overwhelmed. 

This was the first time that Heath suggested that I talk to my doctor.

“I can control it,” I told him. “I’m fine.”

More months passed by. We sold our home, and decided to move into the fixer-upper that we bought. When I say fixer-upper, I can’t even begin to explain to you what that meant. We set up a temporary living situation in the lower-level of the home, with a very make-shift, but functioning kitchen. The upstairs living area, we gutted down to the studs. The environment was unorganized, hectic, and…made me crazy. I hated living in such an unorganized mess. Even better, I work part-time from home, so I got to be in this mess all day, every day – just looking around at all the things that needed to be done.

Within all of this, my brain decided to focus my worry, anxiety, and apprehensions on the safety of the kids. I mostly blame it on the unfamiliarity of the house, the walls, the layout – it didn’t feel like “home.” I still believe I have a somewhat rational fear for the safety of my kids. I mean, what mom doesn’t worry about her children constantly? But, it got to be too much. I started obsessing over it. I tried to control it. I tried to vent my way through it. One morning, I couldn’t stop my thoughts, and I actually became physically ill, worrying about the kids. Just worrying…

I couldn’t control it after all...

I called Heath and told him, “I need to talk to Dr. B.”

I imagine he was silently praising the Lord, thankful that I finally swallowed my pride.

When the words poured from my mouth, and into Dr. B’s ears, she immediately responded with, “I knew it was only a matter of time before you talked to me about this.” Unlike me, she wasn’t dismissing all of my rants. She was taking note, knowing that one day I would be ready for, well, help.

I was prescribed anxiety medicine. I was told that it may just be this season of my life, and I may find a time in my life that I can stop taking it – once again being able to control my thoughts a bit. But, for now, why fight it? Why suffer? Why cry my eyes out with worry?

So, I left the doctor’s office to go pick up my prescription. I was, ironically, anxious. Ridiculous, right? I called Heath, doing what you ask? Crying. Of course, I was. I’m going to be on meds. I was going to be taking a pill daily. There would be side-effects. What if they changed me? What if I could never go back off of them? What if? What if? What if?

I drove right passed the pharmacy that evening and didn’t fill my prescription.

The next day, I called the doctor’s office, basically asking the nurse to talk me into taking the medicine. And, she did. I went and bought them, and took them, and prayed. 

Then…I felt better. I felt so much better. I didn’t realize how “out of hand” it had gotten, until I was no longer dealing with it. That was when I decided that I wanted to talk to my family about it. It wasn’t until after I spoke about my experiences that I found out - both sides of my family have a history of anxiety. One family member, never really knew why she had anxiety and fought it her whole life (back in the “olden days,” before we understood). It made me sad.

So, I started talking about it to everyone who was willing to listen.

I once shied away from the topic, or felt the need to justify it. I know how important mental health is (obviously! Psych background!). But, having to be on this side of it, when you feel like the spotlight is on you, is not as easy as it is taught. Nevertheless, as time goes on, I become more confident in myself. I feel this weird sense of responsibility to talk about my anxiety. I hope I can make others feel more comfortable with their own struggles, and perhaps encourage them to talk to their doctor. It is not uncommon. It is not weird. It isn’t something that we all need to whisper about behind closed doors.

I know, for some, me talking about this makes them feel uncomfortable. Sorry, but really…I’m not sorry. This is the reality for some of us – more of us, I think, than you realize. 

I wanted to tell you all, because if you want to know much more about my journey in this life, you have to know this integral part of who I am. 

I have anxiety. And, I take medicine for it. And, that is okay.

Pregnancy Update

Later this week I have decided that I will start a weekly pregnancy update. I am waiting until Thursday, when I actually switch weeks - Week 12! :)

Today, I am just going to do some random babbling, as I'm sure you have become quite familiar with...that is, if you actually read my posts completely. :) Don't worry, it will be somewhat focused babble about the pregnancy. Don't be surprised though if my uncontrollable and unpredictable mood-swings and sleepiness rear their ugly heads. Boy, I'm pleasant these days! haha. Just ask Heath,...or Chico.

Well, I have popped.

I am only 11 weeks and 5 days and I have popped! I think I was approximately 14 weeks with Lucy before a teeny, tiny baby belly appeared. This time? My abs did nothing for me. I got pregnant, they turned into goo and bam, a belly protruded. I do have to say, it is a high belly again. With Lucy, I had several comments about how high I was carrying her and well, this one is no different. Old wives tales would suggest this one was a girl as well...

The Chinese Birth Chart my Aunt Amy gave me suggests that it is a boy though. And, it was right with Lucy. Who knows?  Ahh, the sex debate. I'll admit, I'm much less antsy about this one than with Lucy. I kind of feel bad about that. I look at it in a good way though. I just wanted at least one girl, just one! I got her! :) So, I could have a boy and that would be great. But, I know that I would also be fully content with all girls. :) I will be fully through the moon either way. I can honestly say that. I seriously don't have any secret hopes one way or another. Heath, on the other hand, I know kind of hopes it is a boy; but, he will take healthy over anything else.

Sorry, but my thoughts are racing back to this bump that is currently fighting my waist-band. It is getting uncomfortable...in my normal clothes that is. I may have to bust out the belly-bands. Surely other moms out there know what those are, but just in case - here is a photo of them.

They 1) allow you to unbutton your regular pants or jeans, while still helping to hold them up, and 2) let you lotion up your belly without your shirt getting clingy. I used them a lot with Lucy.

I feel like I should warn everyone though about my tummy. It's big. Or at least I feel like it is. It's kind of shocking to me. I keep randomly making Heath look at it and rub it - just waiting for the shock that I am currently experiencing. He gives me nothing...

With Lucy, I was big. I was really, really big. I was often accused of being pregnant with twins. Random strangers kept telling me that I looked like I was "ready to pop," starting at like 30 weeks! Apparently, I even had family members who were secretly concerned with how big I was and thought something was wrong.

I was just big. My doctor says that I have a short torso and that my legs create an illusion. So, many people expect the baby to spread out more, rather than just jutting outward. So, prepare people; prepare your minds. I'm gonna get huge! haha.

Prepare for the next time you see me as well. Since we waited so long to tell everyone, I have been hiding my belly with baggy clothing. Now, it is starting to somewhat show through the baggy sweaters and Columbia jackets. The next time you see me, I'll have a little belly. Or, a big one. I guess it depends on the next time you see me. ;)

Well, that is enough ranting for one day. I will be back tomorrow with What I'm Loving Wednesday! And, then hopefully again on Thursday or Friday for a Week 12 Update! :)

Thank you for all of the well wishes and support. This is going to be a fantastic experience. I can't wait to continue our journey to four.

Baby Boom!

Two of my best friends are pregnant.

Also, I know at least three other women who are pregnant.

Four of the five women I've mentioned are due in January! Can you believe that?

My first thought is: what happened in April that I missed? :) No one can say that it was the long, cold winter. :)

I am so excited for my friends. Being pregnant, while sometimes nauseating and scary and irritating, is so wonderful. Bringing babies into the world seriously might be the most touching and miraculous thing ever! :) I am so excited to take part in their journeys.

The big question now that two of my best friends are pregnant?

"Cori - when are you going to have another one?"

I'll be honest - I had baby fever as soon as Lucy turned one year old. However, Heath and I knew that it just wasn't right for our family. I had to think rationally. That would just be too much for Heath and me. We want Lucy to be out of diapers (crossing-fingers) and in a big girl bed before we have another one. Having two babies in diapers and/or cribs, just isn't for me.

Seriously, no offense to anyone who likes children that close. I get it.

But, as most of you know, Lucy isn't even close to potty training yet. She did sit on the potty chair the other night though...with a diaper on. Small steps! :) And, we still need to lower her crib one more setting, because she is starting to monkey-climb.

We have a while. And, does all of this make me want to have a baby more? Or sooner? No - not really. This is their time. I will just share in their happiness and Lucy will get a sibling soon enough.

In the mean time I get to buy baby stuff! :) Yay! It is so fun to buy; I can't wait. I hope that one is having a boy and the other is having a girl; then, I could buy some of both!

I'll be sure to let you know how it goes and if my baby fever raises at all. :)

What do you think is the perfect age difference in children?

24 Hours?

Sometimes I just don't believe that there are 24 hours in my day.

I'm a momma.
I'm a wife.
I'm a family person.
I'm a friend.
I'm a full-time employee.
I'm a house cleaner.
I'm a cook.
I'm a chauffeur.
I'm a lover of television.
I'm a sleeper.
I'm a night person.
I'm a wanna-be exerciser.
I'm an on-again/off-again weight watcher.
I'm a lover of junk food.
I'm a shopper.
I'm an organizer.
I'm a coupon clipper.
I'm a blogger.

I sometimes just can't get the hang of things.

At work I am very organized. I mean it is borderline OCD ridiculous. I have two calendars, an electronic one and a paper one. I will plan time to "map out" my schedule, several times a year. I am always adding items to my 'To-Do' list and if I don't get them done that day, it moves to the next. Nothing ever goes undone.

At home? Sunday - fold the laundry. Didn't get it done. Monday - fold the laundry. Tuesday - fold the laundry. Nope. Let's just say - it still needs to be done and it's Thursday. Ugh!

Our bedroom looks like a small bomb went off in my closet. The laundry room and den are in serious need of organizing/cleaning. The closets are to a point where I am afraid items may fall on me when I open the doors! And, don't even get me started on the master bathroom. :{

The good thing is that from the "outside" it all looks good. :) The rooms that visitors see are pretty clean and organized! Kudos for that, right? Maybe...

I've been thinking about making a calendar/to-do list for home. I could plan out my cleaning and activities. Then, I would have more time to do, and less guilt about doing, the things I love!

You are probably thinking that I just need to give up some sleep and some television. I need to make the sacrifice that comes with the responsibility of being a mom and an adult....yada, yada, yada. That is all fine and dandy for a week or so. Then, I am at my wit's end. I get grumpy. I simply need some 'me' time. I have to get another hour of sleep sometimes. I have to just sit and stop moving sometimes. It keeps me sane. So, hopefully a plan or schedule could allow for both my selfish and non-selfish needs.

What do you think? Is this just another thing that will get pushed to the side? Will I stick to it like I did my last five diets? Time will tell. I need a plan first.

Any tips on how to juggle all the many roles we have? And, keep our sanity? I'll let you know how it goes...

I Wear Lipstick Now

Are there ever times in your life, where you just take a moment to just step back for a second? To just halt your mind and look at where you are, what you are doing, and what got you here?

I do that a lot.

The other day, I was listening to music on my iPhone and had my entire library on shuffle. It ranges from Dolly Parton, to The Beatles, Motley Crue, JaRule, New Kids on the Block, Bruno Mars, and even to Alanis Morissette (to name just a few) - pretty much a ridiculous mix. Needless to say, I wasn't shocked when "I Need You Tonight" by Backstreet Boys came on. I was, however, pleasantly surprised. It had been a while since I've heard and listened to the song. It immediately took me back to a time when life was "simple".

I had just finished 7th grade and the summer had just begun.



First, let's all take a moment to appreciate that rockin' skort, with matching butterfly top. Then, I'm going to take a moment and be sad that I was once that blonde and am not any more. :( And, finally, I will close with some thoughts about how large my head/facial features seem in regard to my body. haha. Not my best moment...

Anyway, on with the story -

It was early in the morning and I was somehow already awake and around at 7:30. (It was probably because I had stayed up half the night before!) My parents had already left for work and my sister wasn't home. So, I did what any thirteen year old girl would do. I stuck a CD in the player and cranked it. At that particular time, I chose the Millennium CD by Backstreet Boys, (before they had the cool acronym, BSB). I think it was track number 5...

"Oooopen uuuup....your heart to me...mmmm....."

I remember folding clothes, cleaning up my room, belting out lyrics alongside Nick Carter. I of course was obsessed with a boy too.  Want to know who? This punk...

This was taken while we were in high school. Yes - I was blinking.

I know you probably don't believe it; but, I was crushing on Heath back when I was 13. We even "dated" or whatever that means at that age, for like three months.

What can I say? I guess we just couldn't keep away from each other and after love and marriage, God blessed us with this bundle of beautiful, sweet, awesomeness -

Anyway, I remember thinking how boring and lame my life was. I didn't have enough 'cool' clothes and I didn't live near any of my friends. I had to help with laundry and dishes. I had it rough...

Not!   <----- Was that reminiscent of the late 1990's enough for you? haha.

I didn't worry about my weight and think about every single piece of food I put in my mouth. I didn't stress about the house not being clean or unorganized. I wasn't thinking about how important it was to spend time with the family. Money wasn't even something I considered. I took sleeping-in for granted, as I did with all of my free time. I was too busy making a "Girls I Don't Like" list on my closet wall to worry about that stuff.

Isn't it crazy? Those days are long, long gone. I have "big people" problems now. Heck, I'm an adult, a wife, a mother.....I wear lipstick now. No more Bon-Bon lip gloss for this gal...

Changes happen too fast. If you blink, you'll miss them.

Serious Side-Note: I barely made it through writing this post because of the news coverage of the tornadoes. I have such a heavy heart. I complain about the stupidest things and there are people out there who are really hurting, aching, and unsure of how to go on. My heart sinks when I think about the Hamil family from Piedmont, OK. I am so very, very blessed. I just want to hug my family and never let go. Please, God bless those affected by these storms...

More About Me

If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?Well, as my profile suggests, they are totally members of our family. The Chihuahuas are my fur-children. :) They were an even bigger part of our lives before we had Lucy. Santa would bring them gifts, as did the Easter Bunny, and so on. Santa still brings them gifts; but, Lucy is now the center of our universe. We try to make sure we give them special time and attention when Lucy is sleeping. They are still very special and close to my heart.

If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?My wish would be to see Lucy grow up, get married, and have a family of her own. Materialistically, I would love to be able to help design a home, to be custom built. :)

What would you do with a billion dollars?Design a home to be custom built, with all the trimmings!
Buy a huge Cadillac SUV
Buy a truck for Heath
Buy a snow blower
Go to Disney World annually
Go on a European Cruise
Go on a Disney Cruise
Adopt more Chihuahuas
Start my Masters and Doctorate right now
Visit my distant family annually
Go on a clothing shopping spree for the entire family
Pay off our family’s debt/share with our families
Invest/Save
Donate


What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?Lucy, Heath sometimes (if he didn’t put me in the bad mood, haha), good food, the movie theatre, buying a new movie, holidays, the weekend, shopping for pretty much anything, new clothes, a new purse, decorating, organizing, exercising, family, sleep

What is your bedtime routine, with your kids?It changes with teething. She gets her jammies on, she gets her binkie and her sippy cup of water, and we try to read to her on most nights. On others we snuggle until she is sleepy. I always pray and occasionally sing to Lucy.

If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other?We met in high school. :) It really isn’t that interesting. Haha.

What kind of books do you read?I like mysteries. I am super juvenile and have been reading Nancy Drew Mysteries since I got the entire set for Christmas in 2009. It is a quick and fun read. I have also been reading the Pretty Little Liars Series; I am in the beginning of the third book. Otherwise, I am lame and like reading biographies about celebrities. I finished ‘Miles to Go’ about Miley Cyrus and have read the beginning of Kendra Wilkinson-Baskett’s book, ‘Sliding into Home.’

How do you see yourself in 10 years?Oh boy! Well, I hope we are even more financially secure and perhaps I will be making more money ;). I hope we will be shopping around for or moved into a new home. I am still thinking 3 children. I want to have my Masters degree and hopefully either have or am working on a doctorate. Of course I am still happily married and our family is involved in the community.

Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?Umm….no. This isn’t really even something that I had to contemplate.

What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?Hit snooze as many times as I can. Then when Heath pokes me and says, “You need to get into the shower.” I finally give in. I then gather my undergarments and a brush, then head for the shower.

If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?That he listened more sometimes and that he had the same sleep schedule as me (stay up late and sleep in). :)

If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?I wouldn’t. It is weird to think of a name that fits me. I like my name now too. I used to hate it because it was a boy’s name. But, now that I am older, I like the uniqueness (without the crazy spellings).

If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose?I would probably choose sun; but, I sure do love rain! I just love thunderstorms!

If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?Cheeseburger, fries with ranch, and bosco sticks. I have an addiction! Or, Kraft Mac and Cheese!

What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?The journaling – I think it will be so neat for Lucy to see these blogs when she grows up. It is sort of like writing a book about your life, with really short chapters. Plus I love getting followers, ‘Likes’, and comments about the blogs. It makes me feel like people care, which is really nice. :)

Do you prefer salty or sweet foods?
Salty – bring on the chips, crackers and cheese. When I was pregnant it was all sweets though (Oreos, Sour Patch Kids, and Laffy Taffy).

What items are in your purse right now?My wallet, a coupon book, Ibuprofen, Sucrets, a pen, gum, a compact, chap stick, my keys, my cell phone, my iPod Touch, a small brush, tampon case, lipstick, antibacterial, paint samples, lotion, perfume, Dramamine, and a list of daycare children for Lucy’s valentines

If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?I have been to both and enjoyed the beach more, I think. I was horrible at skiing!

What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t?I don’t think I watch anything that I necessarily shouldn’t. It is more that I shouldn’t watch so much TV! Right now I watch: Pretty Little Liars, Greek, American Idol, American Pickers, Hellcats, Glee, Holly’s World, Saturday Night Live, Tosh.0, and Biggest Loser.

I also watch: Secret Life of the American Teenager, Kendra, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Melissa and Joey, Storm Chasers, the Buried Life, 16 & Pregnant, and Teen Mom.

After some reflection I’ve decided that I probably shouldn’t watch 16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom. They are pretty horrible; they are my guilty pleasures. And, Tosh.0 is pretty offensive. Haha. Lucy is definitely banned from these shows!

Believing

I read another inspirational and thoughtful question recently, "What do you believe?" Well, of course, I felt that this question required some clarification and specifics. Otherwise, the answers could be a number of things...

I believe in God.

I believe in myself.

I believe in love.

I don't believe that 'seeing is believing.' Believing is seeing! :)

I am pretty sure that I believe in ghosts. I've never seen one; but, I've had some weird experiences in my childhood home.

I lean more toward believing in aliens, but am not positive.

I believe anything that my husband tells me, in seriousness.

I believe Lucy is a miracle.

I believe in the spirit of Santa Claus!

I believe the world is a nicer place around Christmas time. I also believe we have the ability to make it that wonderful all the time, if people could remember the important things in life.

I don't believe in the Loch-ness monster; but, I'm totally open to Sasquatch.

I believe in giving hugs and kisses and telling important people I love them every time we part.

I 100% believe eating a sausage, egg, and cheese croissant everyday for breakfast will make you gain weight. Darn!

I believe in exercise; although, it is very difficult sometimes!

I believe that my husband and I will be together 'until death do us part.'

I believe in wearing your seat belt.


I believe in the power of a woman.

I believe in education.

I believe the phrase, "70% of things people say jokingly are serious."


I believe the world is not black and white. There is so much gray!

I do believe that almonds just may be the best tasting nut out there.

Okay, that last one was just a preference. I guess that means it's time to move on. What do you believe in? Do you believe in the same things your parents do?