Responsibility Advice

I recently had a mother of one contact me about going to grad-school and parenting. She wanted to know "how I do it." I laughed. Who the hell am I to be giving any advice? For all she knows I go home, starve the girls, and lock them in their rooms...but, I was humbled. I didn't really know what to say. I let the email sit in my inbox for a couple of days before replying. When I did reply, this is what I said...

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It is great to hear from you. And, when it comes to being a multi-tasking mom, I seriously hear you! I had such a hard time transitioning to my "new life" and that was back when I wasn't going to school. So, having a second baby and then applying to Grad School was basically terrifying. I completely understand your concern! I do have some advice, but I want to make sure I am completely clear - I still fail. I try. I try to be the best at everything that I can. But, some days the house is a complete wreck. Some days I order a pizza and don't cook supper. Some days I am so stressed to the max that I get short with Lucy and Olive, cry in the corner, and then beg for forgiveness. It is tough. I just don't think that we can be "the best" at it all. I've tried several times and I have failed every single time. Just when I think I am getting into the swing of things, I realize that my relationship with Heath is suffering, or my friendships. Or, that I can't find time to just sleep, or think, or be by myself for two seconds!

I digress...

So, here is my advice and feel free to ignore me.

1) Forget your life pre-baby
I think my greatest milestone as a new mom was finally letting go of my "old life." I had a hard time. I kept thinking that everything was going to be the same, just with a baby. It literally took me about 2.5 years to figure this out. Things will have to be adjusted and concessions will be made.

2) Lean on your hubby
Heath is fantastic. But, I like to take a little bit of credit for getting him there. :) I am always an open book with him. I tell him when I am reaching my limit. He has really helped me pick up the slack and has come to know what really bothers me. I can't stand dishes in the sink; but, dust can wait until I have time...That kind of stuff. He has learned that there will be concessions when it comes to housework. So, a few rooms in our house (our bedroom and the toy room) will never be clean. We have finally come to terms with this.

3) Schedule "you" time
When I was a new mom I felt like if I wasn't spending every second of my free-time with Lucy, then I was a bad mother. I was so upset that I was already missing out on so much during the day, with her at daycare. But, I soon realized that I was having major burnout. I would try to do too much and then get short with Lucy. I was with her, but the shared time wasn't good. So, I schedule homework days, or homework nights, or even days away. Don't ever feel guilty for doing this - ever. It's not the quantity of time, it is the quality of time.

4) Schedule "us" time
Seriously, along with the previous one, take time to spend with your hubby. It is amazing how silly "the dishes" or "taking out the trash" can seem when you both are in good graces. But, if you are both stressed, you will end up bickering about something silly, something not even worth fighting about. So, once a week, if possible, take a night to go out, or order a movie, or something with just the two of you. It will make the household chores seem like less of a priority, which really, aren't they?

5) Remember this: When you die, no one will remember you for how clean your house was
You will be remembered as a wife, a mom, and so on. I learned this from my Uncle Matt and it is so true! Pick your battles and try to remember what really matters.

6) Indulge

Get that coffee from Starbucks. Buy those earrings. Every once in a while, we all need something to keep our sanity. Mine is the sweet, sweet flavors of a large diet-coke with vanilla from Sonic. :) It fuels me to get homework done. Seriously.

7) June Cleaver doesn't exist!

I kept thinking I should be able to do it all. But, to be honest, I don't think it is possible. I seriously don't. Something has GOT to give. Mine is the housework and sleep. Yes - I still get overwhelmed with it and hate when people come over and things aren't perfect. But, I have just learned what really gets under my skin and what doesn't, and prioritize accordingly. During the week, no housework gets done. I cook supper, do dishes, and try to pick-up the girls' rooms. The weekend is for housework and maybe not all of it. These Pinterest and Blogging moms are struggling too, they just aren't as honest (or they don't work full-time, or go to school). Sleep? Well, I love it so much. I catch up on the weekends or take naps with the girls. :)

9) Also, remember this: You are not alone. 

And, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Before we know it, our kids will be big and we won't know what to do with ourselves.

10) Having two is not much more work than one, as long as your husband helps out. Keep that in mind for future babies. :) The biggest obstacle is going back to those toddler days, where you can't take them anywhere for long periods of time (grocery shopping sucks, etc.).

I hope I helped in some way. Those are the things getting me by. But, my classes started up again this week and I'm already stressing. That's okay; I will just pick up my Sonic drink on the way home and wait until the girls go to sleep until I start homework.



Heath is also fantastic. He really is. I could never do any of this without him. He is a great husband and father. He supports me emotionally and he supports my education. He picks up so much of my slack. I am forever grateful for him. I hope that everyone has that type of support!

You will do great. If not, you will figure it out. I promise. I am always here to listen.

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Any advice that any other parents would give to a new mother, trying to take on other responsibilities? Besides calling them crazy... :)

Where did Heath and Cori go?

This is a rhetorical question. Don't think too much about it.

However, I do think a lot about it. Heath and I both do. We've reached a point in parenting where we are constantly being thought of as mom and dad; we are always a family. But, where did Heath and Cori go? Where did the couple go? When did 'relationship' become 'co-parenting'?

When we first had Lucy, it brought us so close - closer than we could have ever imagined. It was such a wonderful feeling to share the miracle of birth with Heath - to look at him and know that we created this beautiful baby out of love. Wonderful!

Since Lucy turned one year old and became a mobile, tantrum-thrower, who can't be left alone for two seconds...our relationship has shifted. It is all we can do to have an adult conversation in bed at night before falling quickly asleep.

Lucy goes to sleep at 8:30 pm, you say?

You are right. However, that time is when I can actually use a pen without someone crying and having a fit, trying to snatch it out of my hands. Or, when I can cut coupons without someone thinking they need to shred my papers or steal my scissors. Or, use cleaning products without having someone right behind me, digging in my cleaning bucket or trying to wipe her face with the Pledge towel I just used.

Alright, alright. I know. I can do these things, if I can distract her. However, let me give you a quick example of such a case. I wasn't watching her for a few minutes and left her in the living room. It should have been pretty safe - no exits, no electrical outlets, no heavy items, no swallow-able items. However, Heath found her.....sitting in the middle of the coffee table, watching television. She had moved a couch pillow over to the side of the table and climbed right up.

I wouldn't change a thing in our lives. I love my family so much. However, Heath and I need to find one another again. We need a re-boost of relationship energy.

We often feel guilty for having date nights. We feel super guilty when Lucy stays the night somewhere. And, when you feel rested and good the next day, you almost feel guilty for enjoying yourself so much. It's like you shouldn't be happy, if Lucy wasn't involved...

We recently went to Weston, Kansas and stayed at a Bed and Breakfast with my family. Lucy stayed at her Grandma Jeannie's. It was so relaxing. Heath and I had a great time. We found each other again.

Monday came and we went back to the old routine.

We know that we need to be more active in making date nights a routine. We need to. It's tough; I'll admit. Since we work so much, we don't get to spend as much time with Lucy as we want. Any time we get with her, we cherish. We hate to give up even a couple of hours to go out to eat.

So, perhaps we need to take one night a week to not do chores, not mow, not cut coupons, not work, not do all of the things we just 'have' to do. We could take one night to put Lucy to sleep, pop some popcorn, and just watch a movie, cuddling on the couch.

It's easy to feel guilty about not cleaning or making lists of to-dos. The weeds in my flower bed mock me. The unswept floor really grinds my gears. But, when it comes to our relationships, it's easy to put them on the back burner to these minuscule, unimportant to the big picture, things.

This weekend we are going away for our three year wedding anniversary. Hopefully we can start a trend of date night.

Have you and your significant other ever reached this bump in the road? How did you get over it?

Note: Heath and I are doing just fine. Family - don't freak out like we'll get a divorce or something. haha.