Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Where Cori Begins and Mother Ends

I started out this morning, writing a very introspective piece about the winter blues. But, as the words flowed from my mind to my fingertips, the theme slowly shifted to another battle that I have within myself.

I struggle with being an individual and being a mother. Most of the time, I don’t feel like I can be both at once.

If you were to run into me today and ask me what my purpose in life is, my focus, my end-game, I would say that I just wanted to raise my children to be good people. 

I spend about 90% of my day thinking about, or doing things for, my children. I open my eyes every morning to the face of one of my kids staring back at me, and I go to sleep every night asking God to be with them. Even things that are seemingly for me, I do to make our routine smoother or to make my little family happy or proud. Cleaning the house, cooking, organizing, working, it’s not just for me anymore. And, as I think about my purpose, even if I circle away from being a mother just once, it comes back around to just that. The children are such a huge part of my life right now, embedded within almost every single activity of my day. It’s near impossible not to focus on that aspect of my life.

In fact, how many mothers out there noticed that I didn’t include the role of “wife” within this post yet? If you did, good for you. If you didn’t, I get it! Because, Heath and I, at some point, put our relationship on the backburner and moved the kids right up to the front. It’s not something we discussed or did intentionally. It just happened. Just as, the day I saw two lines on that pregnancy test, “individual Cori” packed up her skinny clothes, expensive shoes, impractical bras and underwear, and waved goodbye. Mother Cori moved in – with her dark circles, mom-bod issues, and quick fuse for things that she can’t control. She may have also brought several pairs of black tights, t-shirts, and sweatshirts. It is what it is…

There have been points in my motherhood, thus far, when I was so wrapped up in the children that I completely lost sight of myself – and certainly lost sight of Heath (unless it was to beckon him for assistance with the kids). One day, however, the kids were slow getting around for the day, came home to just complain about being bored, and then wouldn’t eat what I cooked for supper. Feelings, that I wasn’t quite aware of, or had been ignoring, just came bubbling out. I started in on a lecture about how spoiled they were, how they take everything they have and everything I do for granted, how I give, give, and give some more, and they don’t appreciate it. I quickly realized that I was resentful. To no fault of my children, I put all of my focus and energy in them, and was mad that they didn’t appreciate it. Of course they didn’t. They didn’t even notice that I was pouring my being into them. How could they?

I knew then that I had to start doing things for myself again. It wasn’t just an excuse for “unmotherly” behavior. It was to make me a better mom. I didn’t want to feel resentful. It made me grumpy and irritable, and I wasn’t being a good role model to the kids. What is it that they always say? You can’t pour from an empty cup? Well, yeah, and in my version, my cup was empty and theirs were overflowing onto the floor. Then, of course, I was having to clean up the mess.

It is an active effort to make time for myself. I try to schedule girls’ nights out, try to do an activity each week that is something that I want to do, take at least an hour in the evening to watch TV or read a book. But, it is a constant struggle. There is a lot of guilt involved. And when you don’t feel like you need to be doing something for the kids, you feel like you need to be doing something for your husband. The balancing act is extremely difficult and I suck at it the majority of the time. 

My cycle is this: give, give, give, get angry, be selfish, restart.

And, it is truly no one’s fault but my own. I do it to myself. I keep thinking that I can give, give, give, and then not be affected by it. Until, I am. Then, I’m reminded to focus on me a little too. In fact, when I get my head out of the Lucy, Olive, and Henry clouds, I kind of panic. If I lose sight of myself while raising children, what is going to happen when they’re all out of the house? Will I even know myself? Will Heath even know me anymore?

I have to make time for me. And, to step up onto a soapbox for a second, we have to stop making moms feel guilty about that. 

Take your friend up on the invitation to go out. Don’t feel bad for getting a sitter two weekends in a row. Buy the outfit. Go workout for half an hour. Don’t shame another mom because she is having a beer while cooking dinner. Do the thing, say yes to the thing, enjoy the thing. Focus on you.

If you do it, then I will be reminded to do it too. 

And, if you do it, I will grasp the value in it again. 

And, if you do it, then I won’t feel so guilty choosing me every once in a while as well. 

See how that works? (Stepping down from my soapbox now.)

I’ve seen someone compare motherhood to the oxygen masks on planes. You are supposed to put yours on first. Then, help the person next to you. While I completely understand and respect this concept, I wonder about actually experiencing this scenario. How many of you, in a state of panic, would totally start to put your child’s on first? I am almost certain that I would at least reach for theirs before reminding myself to “follow the rules.” 

I think, for a lot of us, our instincts tell us that our children come first. They are the most important. Who cares what happens to me?! Take care of my babies! Am I right?

But…if you are fighting for air, you can’t help your babies…

I know you wanna pour your cup into theirs, and reach for their masks first, because you love them more than anything in this entire world. But, remember yourself. Keep your eye on her. When you are balanced and happy, your home is balanced and happy.

This is your reminder. This is my reminder.

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Bath-Robe & Slippers

My last post was about using a cleaning schedule. I noted in that post, that sometimes you get behind on things. Some days you miss tasks. Some weeks you miss tasks. And, some months are filled with idle days of recuperation.

That last one is about where I’m at these past few weeks. 

I am actually really great at giving advice on how to plan, organize, adjust, etc. But, I am also inherently lazy. So, sometimes I do not follow through with my own advice. The good thing I have going for me is that I eventually get out of my funk and get back on track. I consider that to be a win. After all, I truly do love to plan, organize, adjust, etc.

Now, let’s address the reason why I am writing today.

I drop my kids off for school in my bath robe and slippers.

To make matters worse, I have my pajamas (read tank top and athletic shorts) underneath said robe. I am not usually wearing a bra. My hair is unkempt, just thrown up into a messy bun or clip. And, I do not brush my teeth. 

If I were to get into a fender bender on the way to or from school drop-off,…knock on wood…I would run, guys. I would wave a sad, apologetic wave, and speed that minivan the hell out of there. Because, the state in which I drop the kids off for school is perhaps my worst look (maybe aside from freshman year photo day in H.S.). 

My “staying-at-home” didn’t start this way. In fact, in those days, I would have judged the crap out of me. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t be the mom in a robe, disheveled and scrambling to get the kids around. Why couldn’t she just put herself together? Why didn’t her vanity, or sense of self for goodness sake, motivate her to at least wash her face or brush her hair? And, a robe? It’s truly just fulfilling a stereotype.

The truth is, some of you are probably still judging me. I get it. From the outside in, I judge me too. I see plenty of stay-at-home moms who do the drop-off, who look fabulous. They stand tall and chit-chat with passers-by, while waving big at other parents. They are a far cry from me, who ducks my head and tries to hide behind anything and everything, as to not make eye-contact with anyone.

How I got here was a slow progression. It took me almost four years to perfect, in fact. And, not to brag, but I am killin’ it.

When I had one or two children to get around in the morning, I was managing to also spend some time on myself. Henry would be the one in his pajamas. He was a baby; it was expected. Some days I would choose to hit snooze one more time and forfeit make-up. And, some days, I would hit snooze two more times, and forfeit my makeup and hair. 

This may be a good time to remind you all that I hate mornings. I am not a morning person. I think my family members and particularly my husband thought that my disdain for mornings was just a juvenile phase in my life; that one of these days, I would grow-up and become a part of the morning society. Well, not so much. I am just a few days into 33, and well it’s looking like mornings are still the worst. Sorry, Husband.

In summation, when you hate mornings, making excuses to sleep a bit more is easy peasy. 

This year, everything changed. Yes, before now, I wouldn’t exactly want to see anyone at school drop-off. I certainly wasn’t ready for a close-up. But, it was manageable – not totally embarrassing. Perhaps everyone would think I was on my way to the gym or something. Then, all three of the kids were in school. 

Early in the year, I quickly realized that I had to get up significantly earlier to get us all around. In our house, it’s not as easy as waking them up, telling them to get dressed, and then going to get myself ready. My kids…they need constant supervision. It sucks to say that. But, it’s true. 

One time, I told Olive to brush her teeth and went to get ready. I checked on her 15 minutes later and she was dancing, half-naked in her room, and had still not brushed her stinkin’ teeth. Ugh. Unfortunately, my kids are only motivated by the continual barking of their mother. I mean, I am pretty damn good at it, if I say so myself.

So, leaving their side to go do other things for any extended period of time is out of the question. If I do anything, it has to be within ear-shot, so I can continue to sing my greatest hits: 

  •  "Get ready!" 
  • "We are gonna be late!
  • "Fine. If you don't get around, you won't have time for breakfast."
  • "If you want to be late, that's fine with me. It's up to you."
  • "Leave each other alone!"
  • "Don't look at each other; get dressed in separate rooms!"
  • "Where are your shoes?"
  • "Go find your shoes!"

While typing this, I had the epiphany to just record myself saying these things. I could get up and play it on a loop throughout the house. Hmmmm...perhaps this could streamline things…

Anyway, these hectic mornings of supervision taught me two things. I would either have to get up super early, before waking my kids, to get around for drop-off. Or, if I tried to get ready at the same time as my kids, I was rushed and cranky, and the mornings were miserable.

To make matters worse, after I do drop-off, I generally come home to sit down at my computer. I pay bills, put things on our calendars, send cards, buy gifts, work on my classes, or write blogs. So, I’d be sitting at the computer, by myself, with makeup on, after having rushed around, yelling at my kids, just to come back home. In those moments, I would reflect on how I’m doing as a parent and the time I had after drop-off to get around. Why did I rush to do it in such a short period of time, when I could just do it afterward, when I was alone?

I had decided that I wasn’t going to worry about my hair or makeup before school anymore.
And, as long as I was staying in the car the whole time…I decided not to brush my teeth either. The thing with that is… I don’t like the way my coffee tastes after I brush my teeth. So, I drink my coffee beforehand. Really, this is just a PSA; keep back at least three feet until after I’ve had my coffee (or am forced to actually go somewhere). 

Then, for Christmas, I asked for a robe and slippers. Letting the dogs out without them was mighty cold. Thankfully, I got both this year! I live in love them. 

But, little did my husband or father and step-mother know, they were enabling me. The robe and slippers became the first things I slipped on in the morning. And, I realized that I didn’t even have to put on a bra! I should…but, I don’t have to…so…ya know…I don’t.

And, so, the evolution was complete. Well, I think it is. I don’t know how it could get any worse, really. So, I think it is complete.

I think it is important for me to talk about this. It’s not because I feel the need to justify my actions. Although, I think it is good for some people to read about how I got this way. Ha ha. But, also, I think it is important for people to know that you choose your battles. I decided, I like the mornings a whole lot more when I don’t stress myself out about getting around. I focus on the kids, and on making coffee while they eat breakfast, and I worry about myself after 8 am. After drop-off, I take a deep breath and remember that I am also a person separate from being a mom. But, until that finish-line of drop-off, I am all-in with the morning routine.

Yes – many, many other parents manage to get all of their kids (more than three sometimes!) to school on time, while looking great, and presentable, and like they have it all together. And, they actually might. And, so many parents manage to get everyone in their house around for drop-off on their way to work – or get their kids to the bus stop. I applaud them. I really do. And, for the record, I was once one of them…

But, mornings were an absolute sh*t show at our house. And, for us, for our situation, I was always angry and lecturing, and it was no way to start the day – for any of us. So, I said, something’s gotta give. I can get up earlier, or worry less about the way I look. And, I chose to hit snooze two more times and say, to heck with my looks! (Secretly praying that I don’t actually run into anyone!)

That’s how I became the stay-at-home mom, who drops her kids off for school in a robe and slippers.

Sorry, kids! Maybe when you listen better, I will be more “put-together,” as to not embarrass you. Someday…

Monday, January 28, 2019

Cleaning Schedules & To-Do Lists

I feel as though I have been a bit negative lately, or perhaps just a bit whiny. So, I’m gonna switch up things a little bit and discuss my extreme, and selective, particularity. I really like lists, and schedules, and anything that allows me to cross something off. Yeah, there are days when I don’t get to my lists; but, when I get back on track, it’s there just waiting for me and reminding me of all the things I still need to do/cook/plan/mail/buy/budget/etc. These days (I am referring to the days of being in my 30s with three kids in school), I cannot rely on my memory for anything. I make more lists now than I ever have. And, well, I love it. I can certainly get by without lists; but, boy, things sure are easier with them.

 One particular topic that I recently discussed with a few moms was a “cleaning schedule.”

I want to preface this with killing any preconceived notions that I have a tip-top-tidy home. I don’t. For instance, I didn’t vacuum the stairs yesterday, because it seemed like too much work. I didn’t clean that glob of toothpaste out of the sink after brushing my teeth. I just gave the console table a quick blow, when I walked by and saw that it was dusty. And, I am avoiding the kids’ bathroom like the plague; it’s going on weeks (shudder).

But, I believe it is all much less overwhelming when I have lists. I can split my chores up, and not wait until someone’s coming over and spend the whole day cleaning! Or, put things off and then regret it later, when it becomes a mounding issue (like the kids’ bathroom! I am waiting Heath out.). If I create a list that allows me to chip away at stuff daily, then it is so incredibly manageable. Plus, it is written down; so, if the family wants to help out in any way, they can see what you were planning to do for the day. :)

With all that being said, I thought I would share information about my cleaning schedule. I had one in the house we lived in before. I even had one when I was working, it was just a bit different than the one I use staying home. Here is the “old one.”
 

I used that schedule every day and loved it. Then, we moved into the house we are renovating. Renovation and “cleaning schedule” do not go together. So, I temporary lost my cleaning path… That was, until my recent conversation brought me back to the right track! And, I hate to say it; but, I’m excited about my new and improved cleaning schedule!

It’s a sad, sad day when that is your excitement.

My new schedule is incredibly detailed with not only cleaning tasks, but with daily, weekly, and monthly to-dos. I thought it would serve me best that way. Plus, with spending over a year in this house, I have gotten a really great idea of what chores I need to do and what I share with Heath (which isn’t much, actually – that’s not a cut to Heath, just an odd flex for me). 
 
 While I share my schedule with you, you must understand, yours will not look the same. No two cleaning schedules, and/or to-do lists, will look the same (not likely, anyway). Thus, I have decided to help you create your own! I have broken it down into steps, as to not overwhelm you.

1)      Make a list of chores that you do.
You may decide to make just a cleaning schedule, like my old one, or a "to-do" schedule like my newer one. Nevertheless, the list needs to be very comprehensive for the particular focus. Anything that you complete within a month’s time needs to be on this list. I used Pinterest to remind me of some of the mundane cleaning tasks I might be forgetting. But, since I wanna help you out directly, I have compiled a list of tasks and to-dos for you! Not all tasks will apply to you, or to me for that matter. It is just to help you compile your own list.
  •  Do the Dishes
  • Wipe Down Kitchen Counters
  • Pick up
  • Wipe out the fridge
  • Make Beds
  • Collect, Sort, Wash, Fold, & Put Away Laundry
    (You can break it up, into multiple days, if you want. For instance, I collect, sort, wash, and fold in one day; I put it away the next day.)
  • Vacuum
  • Sweep
  • Mop
  • Dust (this could be split into multiple days by rooms)
  • Clean sinks, vanities, and showers
  • Clean toilets
  • Clean mirrors
  • Clean windows
  • Complete Correspondence (e.g. pay bills, send birthday cards, etc.)
  • Budget or Update Budget
  • Mow the lawn
  • Pull weeds
  • Weed eat
  • Trim bushes or trees
  • Work in the garden
  • Water flowers outside
  • Water indoor plants
  • Clean windows from the outside
  • Clear expired food or leftovers from the fridge
  • Plan &/or Prep Supper
  • Pick up your kids’ rooms and/or toyroom
    OR
    , a personal favorite, make your kids clean their own rooms and/or toy room
  • Set out kids’ clothes for the next day
    OR, set out the kids’ clothes for the whole week
  • Wash the bathroom rugs
  • Clean the dishwasher
  • Clean the Clothing Washer
  • Clean out the dryer tube
  • Clean the microwave
  • Clean the oven
  • Clean your shower and sink drains
  • Take out the trash
  • Make a grocery list or meal plan
  • Go grocery shopping
  • Declutter certain rooms
  • Go through your kids’ clothes to check for items that are too small or ruined
  • Clean out your car
  • Detail your car
  • Wash your car
  • Vacuum out your car
  • Update your calendar/planner
  • Go through mail
  • Go through kids’ backpacks
  • Sweep out the garage
  • Go through or file important papers
  • Disinfect door knobs and light switches
  • Clean out light fixtures
  • Clean ceiling fans
  • Wipe down heavy traffic-area walls and doors (grimy hands!)
  • Wash your bedding
  • Wipe down walls, or collect spider webs in the corner of rooms (it happens!)
  • Feed and Water the Pets
  • Empty the Litter Box
  • Clean your pet’s bed
  • Clean your pet’s kennel
  • Put your pet’s bowls through the dishwasher
  • Set aside time to work on your side gig (mine is for my classes I teach online)
  • Sweep off the porch
  • Dust off items on the porch
  • Hose down outdoor toys/furniture/etc.
  • Back up your phone
  • Go through the junk drawer
  • Vacuum under the couch cushions
  • Vacuum your mattress
  • Move furniture and vacuum
  • Go through your magazine pile and purge
  • Dust the inside of your china hutch
  • Clean the refrigerator water tray
  • Clean the tiny parts on the coffee pot
  • Wash winter jackets, gloves, and hats
  • Prep Breakfast for the week
  • Prep lunches for the week
  • Prep dinners for the week
  • Make baby food
  • Clean/organize drawers
  • Clean/organize closets
 And, I’m sure there are hundreds more. But, that is all that I could come up with. Hope it helped you come up with a good list that applies to you, your family, and your home. The good news is, if something else comes up, you can just add it on!

Some items that you may spy on my list that could require explanation include: changing out holiday décor, washing blankets, switching out hand towels, replenish TP supplies, clean “sort boxes,” and go through “sort papers.” Let’s take it one at a time.

  • Changing out holiday décor is something that I have always wanted to do and try to do regularly. So, about once a month, I switch mine out for the new, approaching season. 
  • Washing blankets is included because we are a blanket family! We have special “living room blankets” that we use nightly. The kids all have an extra blankey on their beds, and there are several just around the house. I try to wash them regularly, to keep them from getting funky.
  • I sometimes lose track of how long the hand towels have been hanging in the bathroom...so, I put it on my weekly schedule to switch them out. It’s kinda gross not to, right?
  • Replenishing TP supplies means that I will go to our “garage pantry” and get extra toilet paper rolls to put in the designated baskets in each bathroom. If I don’t have this written down, I end up in the bathroom with nothing but Vapor Lotion Kleenexes. Have you been there? Not pleasant.
  • And, the last two are cleaning my “sort boxes” and “sort papers.”
    In my craft closet, and in my desk area, I have spots that are my “throw zones.” I don’t always want to take the time to file a specific paper or put the twine back in the bag/box I have it in. So, I have a throw area. I allow myself to fill up that spot/box/tote, and usually about once a month, I go through it and file or organize it. While I LOVE organization, I am also realistic. We don’t always have the time or energy to put things away exactly where they go, especially when you are in a hurry. So, I would recommend that you also have a “throw zone.” BUT, make sure you come back at least once a month to organize it, or more often depending on what is being put there.

    Also, at my desk, I have two areas, a “to-do” and a “throw zone.” Once I’ve completed something, I put it into the “throw zone.” I never put anything in that zone that I will want access to in the short term. So, don’t just throw your bills or other action items into that spot!
 Let’s move on to the next step of our cleaning schedule creation.

2)      Next to each item on your list, write down how often you do it.
This may change over time. You may see the need to do something more often, or less often. But, again, you can adjust your schedule as time goes on. Some examples of this step are below:

Feed and Water the dogs – every day
Dishes – every day, but Saturday
Dust – once a week
Mop – every two weeks
Wash your car – once a month

Do this with each task before moving forward. If you look at my schedule very closely, please don’t judge me for barely ever washing our bedding. I hate making beds!

3)      Either draw out, or create in MS Word, a calendar.
As you can see with mine, I just did a table with seven columns (days of the week) and five rows (four weeks in a month, with a day header). You may decide, depending on the schedule you want, to only include Monday through Friday. Or, to lump Saturday and Sunday together, to allow for some flexibility. Or, if you really like your Wednesday mornings, you could omit Wednesdays! You can create whatever schedule works best for you. Just make sure you include the header to clarify what day, and four weeks total.
 

The reason that you don’t want numbers on there is to be able to reuse the schedule over and over again, not just following along with the calendar. You certainly post specific dates, if you want. But, you will have to edit your schedule every month, and I just thought that was too much work – for me.

Now that you have your list of tasks, your frequency of completion, and a blank calendar…

4)      Start making your schedule!
Do this by putting all of your daily activities in first, then your weekly, then bi-weekly, and so on. You will likely have to move things around a bit, to make sure you aren’t overloading certain days. For example, I mow in the summer time. It is a time-consuming chore; so, on that day, I try not to do too much other stuff. Or, on the day I go to get groceries, I don’t want to also mop the floors! You get the idea.

You may also just have personal preferences. If you are a go-getter on Mondays, load that day up! If you hate Mondays, give yourself a slow start. You will soon figure out what works best for you. Mine probably changed thirty times!

Here is my first draft...written by hand and then typed and changed some more!
I also included little boxes in my table (in the upper, right-hand corner of each day), to allow for me to write the date. It keeps me from getting lost on my sheet. But, this is not required. As long as you are crossing things off, you should know where you are at in the month.


5)      Finalize and print your new “cleaning schedule.”
Once you feel like all of your days are balanced, you may print your schedule out (or re-write it). You could keep an electronic file to check-off each day too; it is entirely up to you. I prefer having something I can scratch off with a nice, cheap BIC pen. I find it very satisfying. Haha.

If you decide to print it, you now have two options:
  1. Laminate it. 
  2. Print a new schedule each month.
At first, and in the other house, I laminated the sheet. In the other house, I actually covered it entirely in clear tape, and stuck it to the back of the cleaning closet door. This time, I used my laminator (nerd-alert!). 


I tried to use an ultra-fine point, dry erase marker to write the days and to check things off. It wouldn’t write on it…ugh. So, I had to use a regular fine point, dry erase marker, and well…it was fairly sloppy.


Plus, I decided to leave the sheet in the front of my planner, on my desk, rather than hanging it up. I was afraid the marker would smear. So, I decided just to print one each month instead, and not laminate it. (I started this list yesterday.)



It’s so pretty and neat. 

But, Heath’s is laminated and he will probably use his like that – if he uses it at all. You see, I took the liberty of making Heath one too. He sure is lucky to have me…hehe. I’m going to hang his up.


6)      Now, use the schedule!
Once you have it completed, printed, maybe laminated or taped, and you have decided where to put it, you can use it! Each day, you can cross off your tasks. And, whatever you don’t get done, you can work on the next day. So, if things come up, don’t fret. You will know what you didn’t get done and fit it in when you have time. And, if you get really far behind, it’s like taking medication. 

“Take the dose as soon as you realize that you missed it. If it is close to the time of your next dose, wait and take it at that time.” 

What I'm getting at is - if you dust once a week and miss it four days in a row, well, you might as well put the two together and split the difference. Or, just wait until the next time it is on your schedule. What I don’t want to happen, is that you get so far behind that you are carrying over several tasks each day. Give yourself some slack. Some things, like washing bedding, will just wait. Grossly…but, it will wait!

OR, if you get really far behind one month, because it happens, ask for help. It is easier, because you know exactly what needs to be done to relieve you. :)

I hope that this helped you a bit! I truly believe it helps me from getting too overwhelmed with things; even though, my schedule is kinda overwhelming in of itself. I just chose to be very inclusive. This is a process that you may consider completing for or with your spouse too, or for your kids (with their involvement). It may help them with simplifying their schedule as well!

And, on a final note, I must disclose that we do not make our beds every day, even if it is on the schedule. I thought maybe writing it down would motivate me….uh-huh….