Stop and Smell the Roses

I recently had an epiphany: All stages of life are wonderful.

As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, I have a real big problem living for tomorrow. To be honest, I could not wait to start a family and start taking part in family activities (t-ball, school plays, Santa Claus, random questions, and birthdays). I imagine it perfectly!

When I was a child, I just couldn’t wait to get to high school. I could then drive a car, get a locker at school, stay out later, and have boyfriends! I took for granted all the wonderful things about being a kid. I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain a pound. I wasn’t old enough to feel ridiculed yet or to be able to judge people. I didn’t realize how wonderful summer vacations were and I was completely oblivious to how hot it actually got outside. Finally, I didn’t realize that my best friends wouldn’t always be my best friends and that my Grandparents wouldn’t be around forever. I wanted to speed up time, thinking about myself alone and no one else.

In high school, I had so much fun. I had found some of the funniest friends, a great boyfriend (Heath), and a love for volleyball. Heath graduated before me and then my friends and I fell apart. Soon, it seemed like all I had was two friends and volleyball. I became unmotivated and volleyball started to move to the backburner as well. All I could dream about was “growing up.” College was going to be so fun. Heath and I would be together and I would make new friends. Living in a dorm and making my own rules would be amazing.

Even in college, I started to get the engagement itch and started imagining a family. It seemed like the next stage in life was always just a bit more appealing. And now, I could finally get to the point in my life that I wanted to be in. We graduated, bought a house, got engaged, moved our Chihuahuas in, and bought a family vehicle. It seemed like we were only two, well-meaning and wholesome boys short of my ‘Leave it to Beaver’ vision. Oh alright, I don’t wear dresses and pearls and I work full-time; but, we were close anyway. I could totally pull off June Cleaver.

On a serious note though, Lucy is the best thing to ever happen to me and Heath. I am sure our other children will also rock our worlds. :) Nonetheless, here I am. I am in the beginning of my dream. When we complete our family, then we will officially start the family activities (t-ball, Santa Claus, etc.). Then it happened – the epiphany.

I was sitting with my family and started thinking about my cousin going to college this fall. I felt sad for my aunt and uncle. That chapter, or stage rather, was almost over for them. They only had one more child at home. What would they do now?

EPIPHANY!

They would watch their daughter get married and have children of her own. Then, they’d watch their son get married and have a family. Many changes were in store for them. They would become grandparents and then great-grandparents. They could look forward to retirement and taking months of vacation at a time.

All stages of life are wonderful. I wish I could have realized this as a child. It is something that I want to instill in Lucy. You should never be in a rush to skip chapters in your book. Enjoy family, grandparents, sports, naps, cookies, and take on responsibility slowly.

I do remember, a few times in the past, looking at a clock and thinking, “I only have two more hours of this.” I was referring to whatever I was doing at the time. Perhaps it was a sleepover, a high school dance, or supper with my grandparents. But, I can’t tell you the last time I looked at the clock and thought that. It’s a sure sign for me to slow down.

I don’t regret any of my life decisions, by any means; however, sometimes I wish I just would have stopped to look at the clock, stopped to soak it in, and stopped to smell the roses.

All stages of life are wonderful. Stop and smell the roses.

My Little Blondie

Or perhaps, not so much. The verdict is still out on this one folks.

When I imagined having a sweet, beautiful, little girl, I always pictured brown eyes and blonde hair. Well, the brown eyes are there and the hair? Well, we will see. Not that Lucy isn’t absolutely beautiful the way she is, but I secretly (or not so secretly now) hope her hair turns blonde.

Side note – why are both ‘blond’ and ‘blonde’ acceptable spellings in Microsoft Word? I swear it is just to screw with people when they fill out forms (more specifically me). Everywhere else I look 'blonde' is incorrect. Well, that is what I prefer; so, there ya go.

Anyway, yes, I understand the ridicule that comes with being blonde. I, myself, was blonde from age 2 to 12. Then, unfortunately my hair turned to this dirty, brownish, blonde color you see at my roots today. I just feel that if her hair turns blonde that she will have a little bit more of me. :) More? She is already half, right? No, not right. She may be half of me and I may have given birth to her, but she looks just like her daddy. Some days it makes me laugh and others it makes me sad.

People are constantly saying, “I can see you in her, but mostly I see Heath.” Or, they say, “Lucy looks just like her daddy,” and they skip me all together. My sister sometimes says, "She looks like a Lucy." haha...I think it is to please me! :)

I ask Heath all the time, "What is it like to look at her and literally see yourself?" I can see myself a little bit, but I think it's more of the connection and bond that I'm feeling.

This weekend Heath held Lucy up to his face and then looked in the mirror. I stood next to them as well. Oh boy….she looks like a little, female version of him. I know what you are thinking. Be thankful that she is healthy and who cares what color her hair is or who she looks like. I understand that and those are valid points. I know I’m being selfish; on the other hand, these are honest feelings that I have. I do sometimes feel left out of our threesome. The two of them look so much alike! And I know Heath loves it. You can see him beaming when I talk about it. He makes me feel better by saying he hopes she looks like me when she gets older, because I am beautiful. Aww…I really did marry one of the sweetest guys!

I better change the subject though and not get all lovey-dovey on you readers or I will lose followers!

Again, I realize these are selfish thoughts; but, I have them anyway. Did you or do you ever wish your child looked more like you? Or, do you hope that they don't get certain attributes of yours? Like dark hair follicles or a permanent double chin? :{ Either way, I'll help her through it all.

Deep down, I know it doesn't matter. But, I sure would like to hear, "She looks just like her mommy."

Anxiety? PPD? Or just Crazy?

Perhaps it’s doubt –as in: I doubt they have my symptoms in the DSM IV. Unless the ‘D’ in PPD stands for dramatic, I doubt that I have that either. And lastly, I doubt I can handle this situation without tears. :(

I tend to overanalyze, overcompensate, overdramatize, and just plain overdo it. I feel like I can get my point across much better that way. So, here we go: I am semi-freaking out. I am not really sure what the ‘freaking out’ part means. That is why I have been trying to self-diagnose myself.

I am going to be away from Lucy for 4 ½ days! Once again, I am going to be away from Lucy for 4 ½ days!!! Notice the three exclamation points, which stands for the resounding echo in my head.

I coyly told myself initially that I could totally handle this situation. Lucy is almost 6 months old, eating cereal, and is so close to sitting up on her own. She will be with family and more specifically, her daddy. She will be in good hands and no one will want to leave her side for a second. Being around family will be good for her. Then why am I semi-freaking out?

Let me fill you in. Heath’s family has a lake-side timeshare near Branson, Missouri. He is one of six children and by some miracle all of the kids are able to attend a family vacation. Of course, we will be there and of course, the only grandchild, Lucy, will be there! Oh wait, I have hardly any vacation time built up (maternity leave, gallbladder surgery, and a family cruise scheduled for late fall).

Rock – Cori – Hard Place

It is only right if Heath and Lucy go with his family for the entire week. I am not going to be the wicked daughter-in-law who the family hates and keep them from doing so. The solution was simple. Heath and Lucy head down with the family early and I head down later, taking only two and a half days off of work. I can finish out the week in the sun, along the lake, and with the family. It sounds amazing. But, you know what isn’t amazing? Having your baby away from you for 4 ½ days!!! Once again, three exclamation points!

What am I going to do to ease my mind before I go to sleep? Repeatedly check on an empty crib?

I can’t begin to name all of the things that I will miss and obsess over in just four days. I am hoping that some mothers out there understand what I am saying. I know it is semi-irrational, but I am having some serious anxiety about it. So much so, that I haven’t slept well the last couple of nights. I just lie in bed obsessing over the idea.

Many older mothers just tell me, “well, it was going to happen sometime.” Yes, but it feels so soon and please don’t compare your child going to college to me and my baby.

Since I know I won’t be able to come full circle in this post and somehow find a resolution or comfort, I’ll leave you with this quote. I feel it now more than ever.

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” – Elizabeth Stone

Rice Cereal

Lucy recently started rice cereal! She is getting so big, so fast (5 months, 2 weeks).

We didn't start her on cereal earlier, because the doctor's office told us to wait until she wasn't content with formula alone. Also, they said the earlier we started her, the more likely she would be to have allergies. So, a month later, Heath fed her 8 oz. of formula and an hour and 45 minutes later she wanted more and ate 7 oz. That was when we decided it was time for cereal.

We started last Sunday with a very runny helping of cereal. Initially we tried to give it to her on a spoon, just to get used to the idea of a spoon. It worked for about 4 out of the 50 spoon fulls. She would spit out and re-eat the same bite over and over again. Somehow we managed to get most of it down, but had to resort to bottle feeding her the rest. Even Heath's sounds and dancing the spoon around didn't interest her.

After a week of thin cereal, we decided to thicken it up a bit. Last night's feeding was very successful! She is figuring out to open her mouth for the spoon and somewhat chews, or gums rather, the cereal.

I cannot believe she is getting so old and so big. I imagined some day feeding her in the highchair with a spoon; but, it got here a lot sooner than I imagined. I feel like it was just the other day that I was pregnant with her!

(Comments & Video Removed for Privacy)

Mommy Confessions and Possible Ramblings

I’ve decided that I’m my own worst critic. I judge my ‘mothering’ skills way more than anyone else does – or so I think. Although, I did offer to change Lucy’s diaper at Daycare the other day (since she went while I was holding her) and the one woman stood next to me the whole time I changed it. I completely felt like I was in some type of diaper changing contest. I think I only scored a 5 on speed and maybe a 6 on technique. It was crazy how it had me all sorts of rattled. I know it seems stupid, but I am a first-time mother. I can’t help but question myself around ‘older’ moms.

On with my story……

I often visit BabyCenter.com and enjoy the different facets of their site; it was a great lunchtime visit when I was pregnant. They have this one area of polls where moms confess their ‘bad’ techniques and other moms ‘vote’ to admit whether they too had done it. Basically, it makes you feel less guilty when you see that 86% of other moms do it too!

Last night, was a Lucy and mommy night. Heath has been hanging out with his sister’s boyfriend lately. They are on a men’s, slow-pitch softball team. I don’t ask a lot of questions; I just allow the man time he needs. So, it leaves Lucy and me alone for nights of bonding. She wasn’t awake for very long after he left though. Once I laid her down, I quickly grabbed her video monitor, my bottle of water, and a snack. I made my own little ‘veg station’ in our living room, with the Chihuahuas curled up next to me. I had hooked the computer up to the TV and I was officially ready to watch numerous episodes of ‘Greek’ on hulu.com.

I think I watched three episodes before I thought I should peel myself off the couch. That darn show is so addictive (I recommend it to anyone though! :)). I, then, thought I would hurry and clean up before Heath got home and he saw that I was a slug all evening. I cleaned up the living room, got rid of the lazy evidence, and took several items to their rightful homes. The dishes went to the sink, my kicked off sandals went to the bedroom, and my snack wrappers went to the bottom of the trashcan. Alright, I’m lying; I couldn’t hide the finished off box of Peanut Butter Captain Crunch!

It seemed everything was in place – time to nab the laptop and settle into my new lazy spot in the bedroom. Oops, one more stop; the dogs have to go to the bathroom. Hurry up, Chico! Jeez, doesn’t he know that I have some valuable Greek to be watching. We finally made our way to the bedroom; “elevator!” I call to them while standing next to the bed. They know that this means I will pick them up and put them on the bed. They “‘take the elevator”, haha – our family is just corny like that! ;)

I was ready for another episode! I had all my essentials….wait…Lucy. I glanced around the room. Are you kidding me? No monitor. I remembered my water bottle, hair ties, sandals, a magazine, the laptop, the Chihuahuas, and I forgot about Lucy. I left her video monitor in the living room. Wow. I immediately felt guilty. How could I get so wrapped up in television and cleaning that I forgot about Lucy? I felt and still feel so guilty about it. How could I let her leave my mind, even if it was for a second?

I keep telling myself that it is alright. It means that I am finally comfortable and feel like she is safe in her crib, alone. Lots of people don’t even have monitors. I could have heard her if she would have started crying, so it isn’t like she was necessarily ‘unsupervised.’ Are these just excuses to justify bad behavior? I can’t help but doubt myself. Once again – first time mother here people!

At least I didn’t got to Paris for the holidays with the rest of my family and leave her at home, alone. ;) Okay, okay, I better end this post before the corniness gets too out of control!

Mommy Works to Buy You Toys

I was visiting Lucy again yesterday during my lunch break. I was running a little earlier than usual and caught the children at lunch time. So, I nabbed Lucy, and her bottle, and headed for a rocking chair. While I was walking out of the kitchen, I heard a young boy, perhaps 2 or 3 years old, ask, “Where is she going?” The Daycare provider said, “That’s Lucy’s mommy.” I immediately smiled. I really never get sick of hearing that. It still hasn’t quite sunken in; but, yes, I am Lucy’s mommy. :)

Anyway, being reminded that he too had a mommy, the little boy became upset and started a whining mantra, “Mommy, mommy, mommy…I want my mommy.” The provider said, “Your mommy is at work.” This of course triggered the inevitable question: “Why?”

“Do you like toys?” she asked him.

The boy was probably thrown by this question. It didn’t really make sense when he was just talking about his mom and not toys, but he mumbled out a “yeah.”

“Well, your mommy works, so she can buy you toys.”

Hmmmmm…….I just sat in the rocking chair with Lucy and thought. I’ve often asked myself what I would answer to that very same question, when Lucy asks it. “Why do you have to work? Why can’t you stay with me?” There is no doubt that my heart will break when that day comes. When I tell her my reasons, will they be good enough? Or, will she grow up thinking, ‘my mom chose buying toys over me’? I don’t want her to ever think that money is more important than family.

So, I have started a mission. I am going to find a children’s book that discusses Daycare and what it is like to have parents who work full-time. I want it to help explain to Lucy. Also, the book would be something we could read often; it would help reiterate that although we work, we love her very much.

Anyone know of such a book? If not, I’ll write one myself – haha. I will just use clipart and print some pages to staple together. For longevity though, I need a hardcover. Any help is welcome!

I am not sure how children perceive these types of things or if they even give it much thought at all – besides the 10 minutes after mom drops them off. I grew up spending every day with my mom until I went to school; so, I am at a loss........

A “Wall” Ago

They say if you do something 12 times, then it becomes a habit.

First off, I think when I refer to ‘they’ I am really referring to my husband, Heath. When he relayed the message to me, I am not sure who the ‘they’ was. Who knows really? He is kind of sketchy on that type of stuff. For all we know, he could have heard something totally different. Sometimes his “telephoning” skills are mediocre, at best.

Anyway, let us pretend, for this posts’ sake, that this statement is true. Heck, we’ll even pretend that if you do something 60 times, it becomes a habit. That means that if you do something every day for three months, it becomes habitual. Hmmmm…….I really, really, want to believe this. But, sometimes I feel like there are certain things that you have done for SO long, it is hard to revert.

One time I did do this though! In 7th grade, I decided that I wanted to write the letter ‘a’ differently. I wanted to write it like you see here, with a little top curve – adorable! Plus, you know how you are always doodling at that age. - Mrs. Cori DiCaprio - Haha. I doodled so much, I changed. To this day, I write my a’s with a top curve.

And, I want to add, to my credit, I did teach myself to like diet pop, green olives, and mustard. Weird, I know; don’t ask.

Every since then, I have been completely unable to make changes. There are so many things I do not want to accidentally pass on to Lucy. Heath and I talk about all the things we want for her and things we don’t want for her.

“I don’t want to cuss in front of her.” – says the pregnant version of me.

“Thanks a lot for the blinker, asshole.” – says the road-raged version of me, with Lucy in the backseat.

“Aw, she’s too young still. I have at least 3 more months to stop cussing.” – says my inner voice.

The fact is: I did stop cussing once. I am not sure it lasted an entire three months (especially with how often I accidentally stub a toe or burn myself on the stove). Hey, don’t judge me. Mythbusters proved that people can withstand more pain when they cuss, rather than yelling random words. Alright, alright, judge away…...but, I swear I will not be that one parent, in the parking lot, shoving their 100 kids into a Geo, cussing about who dropped their ice cream.

“I want Lucy to eat healthy.” – says Heath to a pregnant me.

“Yeah, let’s never introduce her to hotdogs and she won’t know what she missing out on.” – I say, with a slight sarcastic chuckle.

“We will only get turkey-dogs though.” – says Heath.

“Whaaaaat?! She has to know what Fairbury, red hotdogs taste like! She has to be able to enjoy a good, sporting event hotdog! They’re the best!” – cries my inner voice.

Okay, so I guess I just proved that there are some things we may need to change, but are unwilling to. I avoided hotdogs during my pregnancy – 9 months! I made it, somehow, through football season too! But, I just ate one last week. Darn it. (See that, no cussing! :))

“I am going to do crunches every night before I go to bed. Help remind me.” – I say to Heath.

Two days later, “Hey! I haven’t done them the last two nights. I thought you were going to remind me!”

And sometimes we can’t even get to the 12 days on our own, nonetheless, three months! Do you like that though? How I convinced myself that it was, in fact, HEATH’s fault that I didn’t do the crunches?

Finally, that brings me to my childhood embarrassment caused by my parents. Here is an example: My dad, probably because of his parents (it’s a vicious cycle), says a phrase wrong. He says, “a wall ago” instead of “a while ago.” Ugghhhhh!!! I, for the life of me, cannot stop saying this either! “Oh, I just stopped by a wall ago and you weren’t there.” A WALL AGO? That doesn’t even make sense. The only thing I can think of is that my dad was in the south too much as a child. Their ‘while’ kind of sounds like ‘wall.’ He was too impressed upon at 12 years old I guess! He doesn’t speak with a southern accent though – weird.

Growing up, my keen ear picked up on said ‘wall’ and I’m now cursed with the idiotic phrase. I say it aloud and immediately say to myself… “WHILE.” This includes me tightening my brow line and clenching my teeth and right fist. Even when my dad is around and says it I ask, “when did that happen, dad?” His only reaction is, “Shut up.”

I wish that I could make those changes before Lucy is old enough to catch on. I also wish that I could make exercising and eating healthy a habit. I am just not convinced it can become one. I think it has to be a conscious decision you make every day. And as far as our turkey-dogs and weird, family quirks, I guess that will help build her personality. I just have to face it; she is going to gather lots of my traits while she grows up – good and bad.

Or wait, is it ‘wall she grows up?’ Just kidding, dad – I love you! Haha. I only make fun because you gave the habit, or misunderstanding rather, to me.

Lucy, the Dog

When naming Lucy, we never considered another girl name at all. We joked what we would name her twin (that my mom knew was undoubtedly there, since I was so huge). But, honestly, we had been talking about names long before pregnancy. It was a fun pastime and I liked to dream about our future together, as a family.

I grew up watching ‘I Love Lucy.’ To this day, it is still my number one show. Hilarious! If you haven’t seen it, shame on you. It is not only hilarious and well written, but it is a piece of our pop-culture history! I love Lucille Ball and have collected many items based on the show. So, for me, it seemed pretty obvious to name my daughter Lucy. It was adorable and classic. It seems like older names are coming back too – even more reason! When I told Heath, he liked it too. Then, he watched the show and found a love for Lucille Ball as well (except for her crying, “Whaaa”- haha). It was a sure thing at that point.

Today, roaming blogs and the usual social networks, my sister-in-law turned me onto another blog. It was about getting in shape; sending me there was stemmed by my post yesterday about my momma body. I read it and enjoyed it greatly. I even started following it! But then…I read about the blogger. She was adorable, inspiring, straight-forward, had a great husband, and then…..bum, bum, bum,….her dog’s name is Lucy.

Uggghh…..I literally raise my eyebrows and curl my mouth at the side in disturbance when I think about it.

Lucy isn’t a dog’s name….oh, alright, it isn’t the worst dog name I’ve ever heard; but, it is my baby girl’s name! Have you ever had that happen to you? A dog has the same name as your child? I don’t even know what to think. When people hear ‘Lucy’ do they think, “Oh that’s a dog’s name?”

At least it was a cute dog.

A Momma’s Body

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Strike a Pose

I was recently asked to…wait for it…be on the cover of a textbook! Yes, I truly was. An instructor that I had in college asked if I would supply him with a picture of me and Lucy for his newest book. At first, I didn’t really take him too seriously. Yeah, the cover of a book- ha. But, after more discussion, I realized that he might actually be serious. I apparently look like a “typical mother in my age group” and Lucy is “a beautiful baby.” :) I like the beautiful baby part, but not so much the typical mother part. All I can do is picture mom jeans and a minivan – both, I do not have!

My sister is a photographer, so it was soon planned that my sister would take photos and I would give them to him. He is a psychology instructor and wrote the book on the Attachment Theory. In the photo, Lucy and I would display that special bond between a mother and her baby. All is well that ends well.

It sounds easy enough right? I mean, a picture is worth a million words. Surely, getting a picture to say, “the baby (Lucy) has created a relationship with her mother (me) and will more than likely develop normally, emotionally and socially,” should be pretty easy. Whew, alright so maybe we had our work cut out for us.

“Act natural,” people would tell me. Uh-huh. I doubt they want a picture of me wearing my husband’s boxer shorts, an over-sized ‘Hard Rock Café’ t-shirt, with my hair in a questionable – at best – pony tail, holding Lucy in her gilder. Better yet, let’s just get me doing some middle-of-the-night feedings in a large t-shirt and my undies. It will be the most ‘unstaged’ photo you could ever get!

After deciding that I was in fact NOT going to act natural, we ventured to the lake in town. There were a few fishermen to work around, but no big deal. We took several pictures, trying to get the lake in the background. Lucy continually looked at the water, conveniently located away from the camera. Basically, everything was more interesting to look at than mommy – oh a bug, oh water, oh a car started, hey there is a guy over there, my fist sure tastes great…. This went on the whole time.

Thank goodness my sister is tremendously talented and snaps photos like lightning. We ended up with some pretty great shots. It became more about pictures for Lucy and me to cherish years to come and less about the book. Some will remind me how I felt at that very moment. It was sweet and, at times, hilarious. Lucy drooled, giggled, and drooled some more.

Although not a natural setting or natural clothing for sure, we ended up capturing that bond perfectly. It is very obvious how much love I have for that little, bundle of wonderfulness. So, here are some of the photos. Enjoy! As far as Lucy developing normally – it’s in the bag! Haha. :)

*Note: not all the pictures were of me lying down; they just happened to be the ones that worked best.