Anxiety? PPD? Or just Crazy?

Perhaps it’s doubt –as in: I doubt they have my symptoms in the DSM IV. Unless the ‘D’ in PPD stands for dramatic, I doubt that I have that either. And lastly, I doubt I can handle this situation without tears. :(

I tend to overanalyze, overcompensate, overdramatize, and just plain overdo it. I feel like I can get my point across much better that way. So, here we go: I am semi-freaking out. I am not really sure what the ‘freaking out’ part means. That is why I have been trying to self-diagnose myself.

I am going to be away from Lucy for 4 ½ days! Once again, I am going to be away from Lucy for 4 ½ days!!! Notice the three exclamation points, which stands for the resounding echo in my head.

I coyly told myself initially that I could totally handle this situation. Lucy is almost 6 months old, eating cereal, and is so close to sitting up on her own. She will be with family and more specifically, her daddy. She will be in good hands and no one will want to leave her side for a second. Being around family will be good for her. Then why am I semi-freaking out?

Let me fill you in. Heath’s family has a lake-side timeshare near Branson, Missouri. He is one of six children and by some miracle all of the kids are able to attend a family vacation. Of course, we will be there and of course, the only grandchild, Lucy, will be there! Oh wait, I have hardly any vacation time built up (maternity leave, gallbladder surgery, and a family cruise scheduled for late fall).

Rock – Cori – Hard Place

It is only right if Heath and Lucy go with his family for the entire week. I am not going to be the wicked daughter-in-law who the family hates and keep them from doing so. The solution was simple. Heath and Lucy head down with the family early and I head down later, taking only two and a half days off of work. I can finish out the week in the sun, along the lake, and with the family. It sounds amazing. But, you know what isn’t amazing? Having your baby away from you for 4 ½ days!!! Once again, three exclamation points!

What am I going to do to ease my mind before I go to sleep? Repeatedly check on an empty crib?

I can’t begin to name all of the things that I will miss and obsess over in just four days. I am hoping that some mothers out there understand what I am saying. I know it is semi-irrational, but I am having some serious anxiety about it. So much so, that I haven’t slept well the last couple of nights. I just lie in bed obsessing over the idea.

Many older mothers just tell me, “well, it was going to happen sometime.” Yes, but it feels so soon and please don’t compare your child going to college to me and my baby.

Since I know I won’t be able to come full circle in this post and somehow find a resolution or comfort, I’ll leave you with this quote. I feel it now more than ever.

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” – Elizabeth Stone