I'm Trying...Very Trying

I am currently in the process of reading Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis. I’ve been reading it for a few months now. 

A few months?

 

Yes, it has been a slow process. It isn’t because I haven’t enjoyed the book. In fact, there were times when I didn’t want to put it down.  But, I have been reading it with a group of women that I meet with weekly. I call them my “women’s group.” 

(I am very creative with names, obviously.) 

It is a small group of young, Christian mothers, who are wanting to…well….do better – in life, as a wife, as a mother, and in the eyes of Christ. We want to feel like our paths have purpose and bring us closer to God. 

This group started when we were presented with the book and study guide for The Purpose Driven Life… As a mom, you sometimes lose sight of yourself, and wonder what your purpose is.

Is it possible that being the mother to Lucy, Olive, and Henry is what I was meant for? Am I supposed to be doing something bigger? More grandeur?  

All questions that can sometimes be daunting during my late night, anxiety-driven talks with God. So, one of my friends decided to start this group, asking other women who attend our church to join. We started reading the book and meeting once a week to discuss the study guide questions. Since then, we have moved from book to book, reading and discussing, while finding imperative support in one-another. I absolutely love that group of ladies and I don’t ever want our “women’s group” to end.

With that being said, we recently decided to read Girl, Wash Your Face. While it isn’t necessarily a Christian book, we felt like it would align with our stages in life right now. We found a study guide online and dove in, just before the holidays. As you can imagine, with the holidays, we didn’t meet as regularly. Then, sickness hit, and our meetings have been spottier and spottier. It happened last year at this time and it will happen again next year.  

We started with one chapter a week. Then, we began to double-up. With so many cancelled meetings, I have truly just lost track of the chapters. I have no clue what one we are supposed to be on for our next meeting (when we can all actually make it!). I am considering just finishing the book, to be prepped whenever we meet again. But, there is another reason I am trying not to read ahead.

You see, I think a lot. I am completely fascinated by people, by society, and why we do what we do. I can barely observe anything, or read or hear about anything without immediately trying to dissect the motives, perspectives, effects, etc. It’s a curse, perhaps. And, as I read Rachel’s words, I have so much to say! I have so much to ask, discuss, add to, or even challenge. I think of how I can incorporate her tips, and add my own “things that worked for me.”

When I prepare to write a blog, right after reading her book, my thoughts get clouded and the thoughts that she has provoked creep in. And, I don’t ever want what I put out into the world to mimic or reiterate what someone else has already done. I want to make sure my thoughts are my own, and inspired by my own continual yearning to “do better.”

And…….wasn’t that a long-winded way of getting to my point?

Because, that is my point…I think. 

Rachel Hollis, and about a zillion other authors, have made thousands of dollars on writing books that inspire us or teach us to “do better.” While Rachel makes us feel positive about our efforts, she provides us all with ways to improve certain aspects of our life – tips that require effort. Tips that require trying.

This is a concept that I am still getting used to, believe it or not.

For years, I have expected to have certain things in my life come easily. And, while there are certainly ebbs and flows, most things are difficult at some point. Relationships, jobs, parenting, time-management, cooking, confidence, health, and so on. All things, including Rachel’s tips, need work and require a lot of “trying” on our part.

My last post was about parenting, and that if I just keep trying to do better, then I will be happy with that. And today, as I was driving, I was thinking about marriage.

Sometimes, I get so upset with Heath when he brings up something that he is bothered by, no matter how major or minuscule it is. I will make a suggestion to Heath about something, like, “Hey! Don’t put your cup there. It drives me nuts.”

Very subtle.

Then, he generally apologizes and we move on. But, when Heath make a suggestion to me, like, “Don’t pull so far forward in the garage”…well, I don’t always handle it the best.

And, when Heath makes a suggestion that is even more than just making a conscious effort to park better, like asking me to sit by him to watch a movie or give him more affection, I really don’t handle it well.

(Side note: I am not a very “touchy person;” it’s a work in progress. And, I realize it is likely a character flaw.)

Heath makes very warranted, and by most standards easy, requests. But, for some reason, I get irritated.

As I watched the yellow dashes of the highway quickly disappear beside the car, I came to a conclusion. I get mad because, I know he is right and I know that it will require effort on my part. I realize that I am going to have to try harder.

After a long day of waking the kids, getting them around for school, making sure they have everything they need (snacks, lunch money, book bags, gloves, hats, etc.), grading for my online classes, replying to emails, cleaning the house, starting dinner, picking up the kids, playing with Henry, taking care of the dogs, planning out our week, making grocery lists, sending cards, paying bills, setting the table, helping the kids with their homework, and so-on, and so-on, and so-on…I just don’t know if I have the energy to try even more. I try so hard to be a good mom through my children’s eyes, through Heath’s eyes, and through society’s eyes. I try to keep a clean house and cook well for my family (my love language). I try to keep everything going and running smoothly. I try, and I try, and I try. And, well, when Heath asks me to try some more, I want to pull my hair out.

I know I should. Of course I should! Why should my marriage take a back seat to anything else? It certainly should not. In fact, one could argue that it is more important than parenting, and I wouldn’t completely disagree. But, for me, it is the one thing that sometimes gets put on auto-pilot. We co-exist A LOT. We are constantly having conversations about things we should do to connect; we recognize the importance of working on us. Yet, it is usually the first thing, for us, to lower on the list of priorities.

As I sit in this conclusion of mine, I realize life is so exhausting because there is no end to the trying (on this earth, anyway). It isn’t like I can just decide to be the best wife ever for….let’s say, even a year, and then go back to complacency. It is something I will have to try at my whole life. And, I really should be happy to.

But, I also need to try at a lot of other things, which don’t go away either – parenting, familial relationships, friendships, my relationship with God, my health, and just improving myself. There are certainly days when I can be lazy about each and every one of them; but, overall, I have to put forth effort. I have to try, if I want to find my happiness.

While this entire concept and realization is kind of a hard one to swallow, because I really dreamed of day that I can just be content with my life and have all of the “work” behind me, I think it’s a good epiphany for me to have. Once I accept the true effort required to foster these aspects of my life, I can do better. And, I know that they are all so very worth it.

Practice makes perfect, and I’m gonna give it hell.  Here is to more effort, and to more trying.