Numb & Grateful

As I've mentioned in times of sadness, there seems to come a time where you are just numb. I think I am there. I try to talk myself out of reality. Sometimes I feel as if none of this ever happened. The last four weeks didn't really exist; it was a dream turned nightmare.

But, I know it is my reality. We did lose a baby. It happened. I want to forget. I want to remember. I am torn.

I am in a bit of a limbo right now. I still have not miscarried. So, all day I sit and analyze any pain that I feel in my abdomen. Unfortunately, at this point, I hope that it is my body finally starting this process. I want to get it over with. It is going to be tough. But, I want to get it over with...Then, there is this ridiculously optimistic and stupid part of me that says, "Maybe the tech was wrong. Maybe the baby is okay after all."

I know that isn't true. I can feel it. I don't feel pregnant. The symptoms have faded. I think I knew this before I went to the hospital. In retrospect, it makes sense. I never fathomed this though...

I still battle guilt, tremendous guilt. That seems to be the only time that I cry; when I think of something I said that was ungrateful. I complained that both of the girls' birthdays were on the 7th and this baby's wouldn't be. How ridiculous is that?! Or, when I was upset that I would be fat for a wedding in the spring. Selfish. I was so ungrateful. I have undoubtedly been taken back down to reality.

I do want to thank those of you who have reached out to me. I didn't realize that a few of my readers have also experienced this type of loss. Their words were very encouraging and I am seriously grateful that they shared their story with me. It made me feel like I was "normal." And, that what I was feeling was "normal."

It seems that so often we go through this type of pain in silence. If you are like me, it is easier to type to someone, because if you say it aloud, you will cry. That part makes me sad. So, to all of my readers, just know that I am here for you too.

As I wait, I hope you haven't stopped praying for us. I am afraid that one of the hardest parts still awaits me. Please also pray for Heath. He continues to be so strong for me and I am not sure he has had his breakdown moment. He was more excited than anyone about our surprise baby.

I sometimes feel like I let him down...the thought of this breaks my heart.


As I continue to grieve. I hope you don't mind if I bring up our angel baby now and again. I know many like to avoid the "awkward" topic. But, I've been told that there is no wrong way to grieve. Please support me in that. If I want to mention Baby #3, don't feel the need to change the topic or become silent. I want to remember this moment, when I leaned on God more than ever and asked him to speak to me.

Thank you again for your support, thoughts, personal stories, and prayers. I am so incredibly grateful, numb and grateful.