Stop and Smell the Roses

I recently had an epiphany: All stages of life are wonderful.

As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, I have a real big problem living for tomorrow. To be honest, I could not wait to start a family and start taking part in family activities (t-ball, school plays, Santa Claus, random questions, and birthdays). I imagine it perfectly!

When I was a child, I just couldn’t wait to get to high school. I could then drive a car, get a locker at school, stay out later, and have boyfriends! I took for granted all the wonderful things about being a kid. I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain a pound. I wasn’t old enough to feel ridiculed yet or to be able to judge people. I didn’t realize how wonderful summer vacations were and I was completely oblivious to how hot it actually got outside. Finally, I didn’t realize that my best friends wouldn’t always be my best friends and that my Grandparents wouldn’t be around forever. I wanted to speed up time, thinking about myself alone and no one else.

In high school, I had so much fun. I had found some of the funniest friends, a great boyfriend (Heath), and a love for volleyball. Heath graduated before me and then my friends and I fell apart. Soon, it seemed like all I had was two friends and volleyball. I became unmotivated and volleyball started to move to the backburner as well. All I could dream about was “growing up.” College was going to be so fun. Heath and I would be together and I would make new friends. Living in a dorm and making my own rules would be amazing.

Even in college, I started to get the engagement itch and started imagining a family. It seemed like the next stage in life was always just a bit more appealing. And now, I could finally get to the point in my life that I wanted to be in. We graduated, bought a house, got engaged, moved our Chihuahuas in, and bought a family vehicle. It seemed like we were only two, well-meaning and wholesome boys short of my ‘Leave it to Beaver’ vision. Oh alright, I don’t wear dresses and pearls and I work full-time; but, we were close anyway. I could totally pull off June Cleaver.

On a serious note though, Lucy is the best thing to ever happen to me and Heath. I am sure our other children will also rock our worlds. :) Nonetheless, here I am. I am in the beginning of my dream. When we complete our family, then we will officially start the family activities (t-ball, Santa Claus, etc.). Then it happened – the epiphany.

I was sitting with my family and started thinking about my cousin going to college this fall. I felt sad for my aunt and uncle. That chapter, or stage rather, was almost over for them. They only had one more child at home. What would they do now?

EPIPHANY!

They would watch their daughter get married and have children of her own. Then, they’d watch their son get married and have a family. Many changes were in store for them. They would become grandparents and then great-grandparents. They could look forward to retirement and taking months of vacation at a time.

All stages of life are wonderful. I wish I could have realized this as a child. It is something that I want to instill in Lucy. You should never be in a rush to skip chapters in your book. Enjoy family, grandparents, sports, naps, cookies, and take on responsibility slowly.

I do remember, a few times in the past, looking at a clock and thinking, “I only have two more hours of this.” I was referring to whatever I was doing at the time. Perhaps it was a sleepover, a high school dance, or supper with my grandparents. But, I can’t tell you the last time I looked at the clock and thought that. It’s a sure sign for me to slow down.

I don’t regret any of my life decisions, by any means; however, sometimes I wish I just would have stopped to look at the clock, stopped to soak it in, and stopped to smell the roses.

All stages of life are wonderful. Stop and smell the roses.

My Little Blondie

Or perhaps, not so much. The verdict is still out on this one folks.

When I imagined having a sweet, beautiful, little girl, I always pictured brown eyes and blonde hair. Well, the brown eyes are there and the hair? Well, we will see. Not that Lucy isn’t absolutely beautiful the way she is, but I secretly (or not so secretly now) hope her hair turns blonde.

Side note – why are both ‘blond’ and ‘blonde’ acceptable spellings in Microsoft Word? I swear it is just to screw with people when they fill out forms (more specifically me). Everywhere else I look 'blonde' is incorrect. Well, that is what I prefer; so, there ya go.

Anyway, yes, I understand the ridicule that comes with being blonde. I, myself, was blonde from age 2 to 12. Then, unfortunately my hair turned to this dirty, brownish, blonde color you see at my roots today. I just feel that if her hair turns blonde that she will have a little bit more of me. :) More? She is already half, right? No, not right. She may be half of me and I may have given birth to her, but she looks just like her daddy. Some days it makes me laugh and others it makes me sad.

People are constantly saying, “I can see you in her, but mostly I see Heath.” Or, they say, “Lucy looks just like her daddy,” and they skip me all together. My sister sometimes says, "She looks like a Lucy." haha...I think it is to please me! :)

I ask Heath all the time, "What is it like to look at her and literally see yourself?" I can see myself a little bit, but I think it's more of the connection and bond that I'm feeling.

This weekend Heath held Lucy up to his face and then looked in the mirror. I stood next to them as well. Oh boy….she looks like a little, female version of him. I know what you are thinking. Be thankful that she is healthy and who cares what color her hair is or who she looks like. I understand that and those are valid points. I know I’m being selfish; on the other hand, these are honest feelings that I have. I do sometimes feel left out of our threesome. The two of them look so much alike! And I know Heath loves it. You can see him beaming when I talk about it. He makes me feel better by saying he hopes she looks like me when she gets older, because I am beautiful. Aww…I really did marry one of the sweetest guys!

I better change the subject though and not get all lovey-dovey on you readers or I will lose followers!

Again, I realize these are selfish thoughts; but, I have them anyway. Did you or do you ever wish your child looked more like you? Or, do you hope that they don't get certain attributes of yours? Like dark hair follicles or a permanent double chin? :{ Either way, I'll help her through it all.

Deep down, I know it doesn't matter. But, I sure would like to hear, "She looks just like her mommy."

Anxiety? PPD? Or just Crazy?

Perhaps it’s doubt –as in: I doubt they have my symptoms in the DSM IV. Unless the ‘D’ in PPD stands for dramatic, I doubt that I have that either. And lastly, I doubt I can handle this situation without tears. :(

I tend to overanalyze, overcompensate, overdramatize, and just plain overdo it. I feel like I can get my point across much better that way. So, here we go: I am semi-freaking out. I am not really sure what the ‘freaking out’ part means. That is why I have been trying to self-diagnose myself.

I am going to be away from Lucy for 4 ½ days! Once again, I am going to be away from Lucy for 4 ½ days!!! Notice the three exclamation points, which stands for the resounding echo in my head.

I coyly told myself initially that I could totally handle this situation. Lucy is almost 6 months old, eating cereal, and is so close to sitting up on her own. She will be with family and more specifically, her daddy. She will be in good hands and no one will want to leave her side for a second. Being around family will be good for her. Then why am I semi-freaking out?

Let me fill you in. Heath’s family has a lake-side timeshare near Branson, Missouri. He is one of six children and by some miracle all of the kids are able to attend a family vacation. Of course, we will be there and of course, the only grandchild, Lucy, will be there! Oh wait, I have hardly any vacation time built up (maternity leave, gallbladder surgery, and a family cruise scheduled for late fall).

Rock – Cori – Hard Place

It is only right if Heath and Lucy go with his family for the entire week. I am not going to be the wicked daughter-in-law who the family hates and keep them from doing so. The solution was simple. Heath and Lucy head down with the family early and I head down later, taking only two and a half days off of work. I can finish out the week in the sun, along the lake, and with the family. It sounds amazing. But, you know what isn’t amazing? Having your baby away from you for 4 ½ days!!! Once again, three exclamation points!

What am I going to do to ease my mind before I go to sleep? Repeatedly check on an empty crib?

I can’t begin to name all of the things that I will miss and obsess over in just four days. I am hoping that some mothers out there understand what I am saying. I know it is semi-irrational, but I am having some serious anxiety about it. So much so, that I haven’t slept well the last couple of nights. I just lie in bed obsessing over the idea.

Many older mothers just tell me, “well, it was going to happen sometime.” Yes, but it feels so soon and please don’t compare your child going to college to me and my baby.

Since I know I won’t be able to come full circle in this post and somehow find a resolution or comfort, I’ll leave you with this quote. I feel it now more than ever.

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” – Elizabeth Stone