Lucy-isms: Big Girl Edition

Lucy is such a big girl! Time is flying and it makes me sad. But, that is why I cherish the conversations that I have with her while she is still 3 years old (for only about a month more). Here is a conversation we had before bedtime...

"Momma, is God proud of us?"

"I'm sure he is, if we are nice and caring to others."

"I will see God in Heaven. I will see Chico too. He will lick, lick my face. I will be all swobbery. He be happy to see me."

(Laughing) "Yes. He will be! But, that won't happen until you are really, really old."

"Old like you Momma?"

(Laughing) "No. Hopefully, much older!"

"Old like Daddy?"

"No, I hope and pray that you are old, and gray, and have lots of wrinkles."

"Am I going to be a giant or what?"

"No. You will stop growing. But, we continue to age. Our skin gets wrinkly and our hair turns gray. We get old."

"Hmmmm....I will get married and have grandchildren."

"Yes. I pray that you do get married, have children, and grandchildren."

"Momma, who will I marry?"

"We don't know. It may be someone you know, or it may be someone you haven't met yet."

"Ask me who I will marry..."

"Okay, who are you going to marry?"

"No. Ask me who!"

"Oh, will you marry Max?"

(Finger on her chin) "Hmmm.....maybe."

"Will you marry Bryson?"

"That's a good one, Momma! I pick that one."

She makes me laugh so much. I love our conversations. After that, she rolled over and asked me to turn out the light. :) I love that little girl so much.

The Mother & the Teacher

The mother and the teacher. No, not the daughter. You see, Lucy is teaching me sometimes much, much more than I am teaching her. When you see yourself or hear yourself through your child's eyes, well...it is humbling, amazing, heart-warming, a bit terrifying, and sometimes seriously upsetting.

You know those typical stories of the parent who pushes their child to be like them or follow the path that they want? You know, Varsity Blues, Ice Princess, She's All That - that kind of stuff.

"I don't want your life." - Dawson Leary, or whatever his name was on Varsity Blues

or

"You can't quit. This is your dream!" - Mother
"No, mom. It's your dream." - Daughter

I watch those and think, "Pssshhhh...silly parents. Who is so blind that they push their kids like that?"

Well, I may not be that extreme. But, I do see myself pushing Lucy to do things a certain way, say things a certain way, and so on. Then, I am somehow brought back to reality....usually with a metaphorical punch to the gut that leaves me reeling.

What do you see when you look at this photo?

I imagine that most of you will note the pure pride and joy that is plastered across that beautiful face of Lucy's. She is so happy. I bet she really was! She loves crafts and especially painting. I even chuckle a bit when I think about that goofy grin of hers. But, when I see it, I am struck with guilt. My stomach does one of those flips and my heart sinks a bit. I feel a small failure pumping through my veins.

You see, Lucy brought this particular piece of art-work home with her. She was proud. I told her that I loved it; but, truly, I was a bit concerned. It was a blob of black on construction paper. It had bits of green and purple too. But, together, the three colors created a dark, border-line creepy picture. When I looked at it, I saw sadness. I acted happy for Lucy, and well, I really was proud that she painted it herself. I couldn't help myself though; I told her that next time she could use happy colors, like yellow or red - bright and cheery. She completely shrugged me off...like the complete jerk that I was. Good for her.

Then, about a week later, this picture was posted on her preschool's Facebook page. I am a jerk. Look at the colors she had to work with...green, black, purple, and orange. No yellow. No red. I sunk into the awful lesson that I had just learned. I had judged. I had judged my own child. Here I am, thinking that she has some type of deep-seated sadness that came out through 10 minutes of painting time. But, does that child look sad to you? She had no other color options. I bet she didn't even mind. She did what she could, with what she had. Shame on me for assuming anything else...

Today I looked at Lucy and realized that she is growing so fast. There are so many things that I was not and am not prepared for as a parent - things I didn't even think about! But, I am learning and trying my best. I guess that is all we can do...

I forgave myself. The guilt remains; but, I'm okay with that. It's a good reminder...

Lesson learned.
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Whomp, whomp. I know. Sorry to be a downer. I think it is a nice reminder to take things lightly. But, most importantly, I want the girls to know that I recognize that I am making mistakes. I get it. They will also make parenting mistakes. It's inevitable to fail in life in multiple ways. The most important thing is to recognize it, learn from it, and move forward. :)

I will try to continue with the blog posts as much as possible. Occasional posts are better than none, right? My thoughts exactly. We are doing better. I still have my sad days. I have a lot of stressful days (grad school). Overall, though, we are doing well. We are happy and healthy and I couldn't ask for anything more. Welcome 2014! I hope you all have a wonderful year, filled with love and happiness!

Update of Us

Well, how have you all been? It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, here I am. Still trucking along with at least one blog post a month...I hope I haven't completely abandoned all of my readers....I still continue to strive for more posts per month, but I am also trying to be realistic. I'm struggling.

Do you remember how I used to whine and complain that I didn't have enough time? Time for being a mom, wife, full-time employee, homemaker, etc? Yeah, well, what made me think adding "student" to that list of roles would be seamless? It's not! I spend approximately 1 or 2 hours on my homework at least 5 nights a week. Now, I have a big project coming up, that is due on December 5th.That is truly my light at the end of this course tunnel. I think after that, I will be able to breathe again...at least until January when courses start again. Wish me luck!

I guess I should give you some other updates on our life, before I just jump right back into the swing of things. Last time you heard from me, besides the Halloween on TV schedule, I still had a pretty "open wound," from miscarrying. I can now say that I grieved properly and can now talk about it without losing myself. To be honest, it all just kind of seems like a dream, like it didn't really happen. I am still having minor issues in the "women's health" department, and will be going to give another blood sample later today; but, otherwise, I feel like this chapter is coming to a close. The miscarrying was awful. I had a couple of really, really hard days. If you follow this group on Facebook, you probably already knew that. But, with grieving comes comfort.

Through the awfulness of miscarrying, I thanked God. I thanked him for sending us to the hospital that day for the ultrasound. I am so thankful I found out that way. I can't imagine finding out in any other way. Plus, we now have ultrasound pictures of our angel baby - something I will treasure always.

When it rains, it pours in our house for some reason. I will continue on my Debbie Downer discussion and tell you that just a few weeks ago we lost our sweet, Chico Bandido.

 

He was 9 (the same age as Co-Co, when we lost her). We found out that he had congestive heart failure and a few days later, he passed in his sleep. I am sad; but, he was an older dog, who lived a wonderful life that other dogs dream of. He was spoiled rotten! We miss him; yet, I know he is with Co-Co now and they are having a ball...or playing with a ball...or something like that. ;)

Halloween came and went, all in a complete blur. Now the other holidays are upon us. I am prepared to put this awful fall behind me and take a nosedive right into Thanksgiving, Black Friday, winter, and our beloved Christmas. Don't get me wrong, not all of this fall, thus far, was terrible. I had some great times. Perhaps I will go into those more sometime.

Lucy is growing like crazy and has become a little kid, rather than a toddler. :( Bummer. Olive, is not a baby anymore and is a toddler. Crazy how time flies. I'll share more about their crazy, nerd sister antics later. :)

Have a happy Thursday. I hope I didn't bum you out. That was not my intention. Before I could really move on, I needed to fill everyone in on the bad and the ugly...now onto the good!